It's been three days since the first "Twisted Mac" show and I'm still on a high. I haven't felt this alive in years and it's because it's been that long since I've been on a stage. But there I was, on a stage, with a microphone and maracas in hand. This is what I live for. I love my family more than I could ever express, but performing is what keeps my blood pumping.

The show was amazing. There was so much energy in the room, even though it was a small crowd. Doesn't matter. I'm still happy and now I can't wait to do it all again.

Ready for the next move.

Come on boys, when's our next rehearsal?

Evocative

I didn't realize how much I used to write and blog until I spent some time online today. Everything I felt and everything I experienced was captured in daily journal entries and I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't been keeping up, especially when there have been so many experiences in my life worthy of rememberance. At least I have some valid excuses, like being a mom and working 50 hours a week (60 including travel time). It's no wonder writing has been put on the back burner. But I do miss it. It was always an outlet for me gather and sort my thoughts.

So, let this be a new chapter in my life. A chapter that is actually documented.

I'll begin with what happened last night. I'm still on a creative high from the night. I've sort of started a little band with some co-workers and I'm really excited about it. We had our first rehearsal last night and I'm amazed at how well it went. I work with plenty of talented and creative people, but our little group seemed exceptional last night. So, if any of you are reading this...thank you, thank you, thank you. I had an absolute blast and I can hardly wait to get together again. I haven't performed for so long and I know it's what's been missing in my life lately. I have everything else I need with my beautiful family, but I'll always have the performing gene and I'm never complete without being able to share what's inside me. In fact, it's consuming my thoughts. All I think about is singing, dancing and acting. And I can't deny this overwhelming urge to take up piano again. I was really pretty good at one time and I know it wouldn't take me long to get it all back. So now the goal is to try and get my piano from SLC to PHX. I needed it months ago and it's just sitting there in Salt Lake waiting for me. If only it could grow legs and run down here to meet me. What a happy little reunion we would have.

Brody.

How do I even begin with that little man (which is exactly what he is...a little man). He's not even close to a baby anymore. He's running and dancing and talking and climbing like a madman. Brody, my sweet boy. He needed his mama so badly today it ripped my heart out to leave him to come to work. I said goodbye and he was absolutely devastated, tears streaming down his little cheeks, his arms reaching up to me, "MA MA MA MA". I leaned over to give him a little kiss and he grabbed my neck so tightly I struggled to peel his little arms off.

It tears me to pieces knowing how many little moments I'm missing and how quickly this time will pass.

I vow to do better with everything...being a mother, being a wife, singing, writing, never giving up. I'm done with just getting through each day.

Southwest SUCKS

I took a two day trip to SLC over the weekend.

The airline lost my bag.

No clothes. No make-up. No shoes, underwear, pj's, toothbrush...you get the picture.

They just found my bag today. How convenient.

I have no words to describe how angry I've been, hence the short sentences.

And I'm out.

Anticipation

I'll be in NY for the first time next week since moving to Phoenix. I'm so anxious and excited to go it's killing me. I've missed NY desperately and although I've been adjusting to Phoenix it still doesn't feel like home. I'm sure it will eventually and it will take some time, but I miss all my friends and the city itself. What can I say, I'll always be a big city girl.

So here I am, in Phoenix, surrounded by hay fields and crickets. I guess it's all relative. I could be in NY surrounded by co-ops and roaches. I think the thing that will make the difference for me is performing again and making some friends with substance. Then I don't really think it will matter where I am.

Tyler and Brody are the only things holding me together right now. Ty's helping me adjust and Brody is just the light of my life every day. He's so funny and sweet and I can't believe how much he's grown. He's smarter every day and I'm always amazed. Yeah, I know, mommy stuff. But I never imagined I could love someone as much as I love him. My baby boy.

New York. I'll see you next week.

Gravity

grav-i-ty [grav-i-tee] n.

A natural phenomenon by which all objects with mass attract each other in a way that conserves angular momentum.

The natural force of attraction exerted by a celestial body upon objects at or near its surface, tending to draw them toward the center of the body.


I hear your voice and a force I am unable to control takes over. The magnetism of each syllable and sound resonating from those perfectly formed lips demands my attention and pulls me in. You are the center and although dangerous, I am rendered powerless. Drawn in. Grounded.

Words that even soldiers would lay down their swords for (this one makes me cry like a little girl )

"From the ultrasound we've determined it's definitely not a cyst. It's a tumor and it's slightly larger than a quarter. We only see this abnormal cell formation in your left breast, however, you need to have your right breast checked on a regular basis. We recommend a biopsy removal."

One week later...

"My name is Dr. Corn. So let's take a look at what we're dealing with. Oh, there it is. It looks like there is some abnormal cell tissue surrounding the tumor. We're going to take all of that out, do the biopsy and take it from there."

Yesterday...

I arrive at Thompson Peak hospital in Scottsdale around 8:45AM. The lobby looks more like a 5 star hotel and I am immediately greeted at the front desk, "Please have a seat Mrs. Barton and someone will be by to check you in shortly." I sit and wait with Tyler and Brody. We play with his cars and a baseball. He's just happy to be with Mom and Dad. A grandmotherly type woman calls my name and brings me back to her desk where she proceeds to fill out some paperwork, ask me general health questions including whether or not I have a living will. I answer by saying, "No, my entire net worth is sitting right next to me." Brody smiles and says, "Mama" when I look at him.

We are then escorted to the third floor where we wait until they call me back to pre-op. I kiss Tyler and Brody and leave them in the waiting room. I change into my hospital garb, the usual tie gown, slipper socks and cap to cover my hair.

More blood tests. More questions. An IV.

Everyone has been so nice and I'm strangely calm. I listen to the steady beeping of my pulse through monitors and the rest of the room becomes silent.

I gently brush my fingers over my breast. There it is. The terrorist. How dare you attempt to attack me or my family. A single tear wells up in my eye, but I stay strong. I have to stay strong. I am woman after all, and a mother. And this mother is starting a revolution.

The anesthesiologist comes in to brief me on what's about to happen. I listen intently, but he can see that I'm uneasy. Although babies are not allowed in pre-op, he sneaks in Tyler and Brody and I can kiss them one more time before they wheel me away. I remember the blinding lights of the O.R. and wake up in recovery groggy and sore. The terrorist is gone, but the threat remains.

This Mother revolution and her army will not give up without a fight. So terrorist beware.