This is for my wife

My wife has some amazing blogs and is an amazing writer. She has a shitton of good blogs on MySpace that are just going to disappear so I'm going to transfer them for her.

Hope it all formats and looks ok

When I grow up

Is it just me or do we all feel increasingly confused as to the direction our lives should take the older we get. Here I am in my 30's and I can't help but wonder what I'm going to do when I grow up. Will I be an artist, a psychologist, a singer, an actor, a manager, a mother. I feel as though I'm at a constant crossroad and I could choose any direction and be successful, but which one is right for me? Does this ever get easier? I'm not sure it does. I do know, however that one of these choices is not really a choice at all. Regardless of what I do in my free time, I'm always a mother. And to tell you the truth, it's really the most fulfilling. So why do I feel like I need to do other things? In my perfect world I could spend all day with my son at my side creating music, singing and dancing and acting (the grown-up version of pretending). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think we ever really grow-up. I think we get older and there's a silly number attached to that aging, but I don't think there's an age when we have it all figured out. I may never become a famous actor or singer or artist. But, I'll always be a mom and I guess that's an achievement. Whatever happens from year to year, I want to enjoy every minute of bringing a life into the world and to see all the things he could become as well. We'll make that journey together. Maybe he can help me decide what I should be when I grow up.

It's been three days since the first "Twisted Mac" show and I'm still on a high. I haven't felt this alive in years and it's because it's been that long since I've been on a stage. But there I was, on a stage, with a microphone and maracas in hand. This is what I live for. I love my family more than I could ever express, but performing is what keeps my blood pumping.

The show was amazing. There was so much energy in the room, even though it was a small crowd. Doesn't matter. I'm still happy and now I can't wait to do it all again.

Ready for the next move.

Come on boys, when's our next rehearsal?

Evocative

I didn't realize how much I used to write and blog until I spent some time online today. Everything I felt and everything I experienced was captured in daily journal entries and I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't been keeping up, especially when there have been so many experiences in my life worthy of rememberance. At least I have some valid excuses, like being a mom and working 50 hours a week (60 including travel time). It's no wonder writing has been put on the back burner. But I do miss it. It was always an outlet for me gather and sort my thoughts.

So, let this be a new chapter in my life. A chapter that is actually documented.

I'll begin with what happened last night. I'm still on a creative high from the night. I've sort of started a little band with some co-workers and I'm really excited about it. We had our first rehearsal last night and I'm amazed at how well it went. I work with plenty of talented and creative people, but our little group seemed exceptional last night. So, if any of you are reading this...thank you, thank you, thank you. I had an absolute blast and I can hardly wait to get together again. I haven't performed for so long and I know it's what's been missing in my life lately. I have everything else I need with my beautiful family, but I'll always have the performing gene and I'm never complete without being able to share what's inside me. In fact, it's consuming my thoughts. All I think about is singing, dancing and acting. And I can't deny this overwhelming urge to take up piano again. I was really pretty good at one time and I know it wouldn't take me long to get it all back. So now the goal is to try and get my piano from SLC to PHX. I needed it months ago and it's just sitting there in Salt Lake waiting for me. If only it could grow legs and run down here to meet me. What a happy little reunion we would have.

Brody.

How do I even begin with that little man (which is exactly what he is...a little man). He's not even close to a baby anymore. He's running and dancing and talking and climbing like a madman. Brody, my sweet boy. He needed his mama so badly today it ripped my heart out to leave him to come to work. I said goodbye and he was absolutely devastated, tears streaming down his little cheeks, his arms reaching up to me, "MA MA MA MA". I leaned over to give him a little kiss and he grabbed my neck so tightly I struggled to peel his little arms off.

It tears me to pieces knowing how many little moments I'm missing and how quickly this time will pass.

I vow to do better with everything...being a mother, being a wife, singing, writing, never giving up. I'm done with just getting through each day.

Southwest SUCKS

I took a two day trip to SLC over the weekend.

The airline lost my bag.

No clothes. No make-up. No shoes, underwear, pj's, toothbrush...you get the picture.

They just found my bag today. How convenient.

I have no words to describe how angry I've been, hence the short sentences.

And I'm out.

Anticipation

I'll be in NY for the first time next week since moving to Phoenix. I'm so anxious and excited to go it's killing me. I've missed NY desperately and although I've been adjusting to Phoenix it still doesn't feel like home. I'm sure it will eventually and it will take some time, but I miss all my friends and the city itself. What can I say, I'll always be a big city girl.

So here I am, in Phoenix, surrounded by hay fields and crickets. I guess it's all relative. I could be in NY surrounded by co-ops and roaches. I think the thing that will make the difference for me is performing again and making some friends with substance. Then I don't really think it will matter where I am.

Tyler and Brody are the only things holding me together right now. Ty's helping me adjust and Brody is just the light of my life every day. He's so funny and sweet and I can't believe how much he's grown. He's smarter every day and I'm always amazed. Yeah, I know, mommy stuff. But I never imagined I could love someone as much as I love him. My baby boy.

New York. I'll see you next week.

Gravity

grav-i-ty [grav-i-tee] n.

A natural phenomenon by which all objects with mass attract each other in a way that conserves angular momentum.

The natural force of attraction exerted by a celestial body upon objects at or near its surface, tending to draw them toward the center of the body.


I hear your voice and a force I am unable to control takes over. The magnetism of each syllable and sound resonating from those perfectly formed lips demands my attention and pulls me in. You are the center and although dangerous, I am rendered powerless. Drawn in. Grounded.

Words that even soldiers would lay down their swords for (this one makes me cry like a little girl )

"From the ultrasound we've determined it's definitely not a cyst. It's a tumor and it's slightly larger than a quarter. We only see this abnormal cell formation in your left breast, however, you need to have your right breast checked on a regular basis. We recommend a biopsy removal."

One week later...

"My name is Dr. Corn. So let's take a look at what we're dealing with. Oh, there it is. It looks like there is some abnormal cell tissue surrounding the tumor. We're going to take all of that out, do the biopsy and take it from there."

Yesterday...

I arrive at Thompson Peak hospital in Scottsdale around 8:45AM. The lobby looks more like a 5 star hotel and I am immediately greeted at the front desk, "Please have a seat Mrs. Barton and someone will be by to check you in shortly." I sit and wait with Tyler and Brody. We play with his cars and a baseball. He's just happy to be with Mom and Dad. A grandmotherly type woman calls my name and brings me back to her desk where she proceeds to fill out some paperwork, ask me general health questions including whether or not I have a living will. I answer by saying, "No, my entire net worth is sitting right next to me." Brody smiles and says, "Mama" when I look at him.

We are then escorted to the third floor where we wait until they call me back to pre-op. I kiss Tyler and Brody and leave them in the waiting room. I change into my hospital garb, the usual tie gown, slipper socks and cap to cover my hair.

More blood tests. More questions. An IV.

Everyone has been so nice and I'm strangely calm. I listen to the steady beeping of my pulse through monitors and the rest of the room becomes silent.

I gently brush my fingers over my breast. There it is. The terrorist. How dare you attempt to attack me or my family. A single tear wells up in my eye, but I stay strong. I have to stay strong. I am woman after all, and a mother. And this mother is starting a revolution.

The anesthesiologist comes in to brief me on what's about to happen. I listen intently, but he can see that I'm uneasy. Although babies are not allowed in pre-op, he sneaks in Tyler and Brody and I can kiss them one more time before they wheel me away. I remember the blinding lights of the O.R. and wake up in recovery groggy and sore. The terrorist is gone, but the threat remains.

This Mother revolution and her army will not give up without a fight. So terrorist beware.

Full Moon over Beirut

Just above the silhouetted trees radiates the glow from the city lights. It is not as bright and warm as the rays from the moon permeating the humid fog that blankets the city. Breathing is a little difficult under these conditions, but an occasional coastal breeze brings relief and carries with it the last hint of summer. Under these conditions magic happens. A turtle pond is transformed into the moat of an exquisite illuminated castle whose grandeur is reflected in the dark water. Harmonic chords soar through the air and instantly transport this setting to another place and time. It's hard to believe these conditions can exist in a city polluted with traffic and commerce. But they do, nestled safely amid granite precipices and stalwart trees.



Central Park, an oasis for city dwellers to shake off the stress of survival and simply live. It's here that I first heard Beirut. It's here that I first ventured out for pleasure without my son (although I missed him every second). And, it's here that I first felt the pang at the thought that I might soon be leaving this all behind. Until then, I will allow the city, New York, and all of its magical splendors, to permanently etch itself into my memories. After all, this is my city. And although it's given me tough love at times, it's still my home.

On the Mend

So, I didn't mean to scare everyone with my last depressing blog...just had to get a few things off my chest. I'm doing much better now. My sister moved in with us and she'll be here until almost Thanksgiving. She's been a big help and I certainly feel better about leaving Brody with her than leaving him with a stranger. I know Tyler feels a bit outnumbered (Brody only counts as 1/4) but hopefully he can make it through two more weeks with a couple of girly girls.

Fall is starting to kick into high gear here and I am so excited. I love when the weather changes. It means I can pull out all my cute fall clothes, curl up with a blankie and eat comfort food. Yum. My sister and I are taking a little road trip to Hartford, CT next month and I'm hoping the leaves will still be full of color for the drive.

I know this is all fluff, but at least I'm writing. I need some inspiration. Maybe this block will finally be lifted next month when I get to see Tori. Yippee. Me and my fellow M.I.L.F. Haha. I can say that because I'm finally starting to feel good about myself again. I'm just a few pounds shy of my pre-pregnancy weight and my sister has convinced me that I can wear skinny jeans (although I'm still a little skeptical). Worth a try though, because they will look hot with the slouch boots that I'm determined to buy.

Step by step.



This was step one.

Time to Regenerate

As with every good thing, this too would fade. Isn't that what you say all the time. It's only a matter of time. It's inevitable. I should have known, or seen or reacted sooner, but sometimes it's difficult to see the things right in front of your face. Maybe it's easier to accept things when you're staring 17 lbs. of pure love in the face. But, how many times will I be expected to forgive and forget. I have very little left to give and what little I have is reserved for the one person who I hold completely helpless in my arms. I can't forgive. Not today. And even if I could, wouldn't I have to repeat the process again tomorrow. I need more time than that to heal.

I don't doubt your capacity to love. I've witnessed this first hand. I do, however, doubt your capacity to love me. I mean the kind of love you are willing to sacrifice everything for. The kind of love that will stop you dead in your tracks. The kind of love you would protect with every fiber of your being. That's how I love. Shouldn't I therefore expect the same.

I'm tired.

My heart, marblized with scar tissue, needs to rest now. Even as I write these words I find myself drifting with an overwhelming need to curl up and close my eyes.

I need to hold Brody. I need my baby.

f only my son could say all the things that I want to say to people.


"Please don't touch my hands, I put them in my mouth"

"Please don't ask my mom if she's working"

"Please don't ask my dad if he's babysitting"

"Please be nice to my parents, they don't get a lot of sleep"

"No, my hands aren't cold"

"I'm all boy"

"Yes, I'm circumcised"

"Please resist the urge to comment, my parents are doing a great job"

"Please don't stare at my lunch"

"Please don't ask my mom rude questions"

"I'm not staring at you, I'm pooping"

Chalk it up to sheer exhaustion, lack of interest, or the fact that all my free time is spent being a mommy. Whatever the case may be, I'm back. I know I should have been writing about how amazing each new little experience with Brody has been, but I haven't. There's really no excuse for it. That's not to say I haven't thought about it. I'm constantly running a list in my mind of all the wonderful little things that happen on a daily basis. I guess I've just been enjoying my time becoming a mommy.

And now the flood of experiences…

Twelve hours of labor, 2 ½ hours of pushing, monitors, IV's, ripping, stitches, blood, sweat, tears and I finally hear the sweet gurgling cry of my baby. His little gums quiver in the cold he has never before experienced. He is beautiful and perfect. I'm exhausted, but somehow manage to keep a clear head. Maybe it's just the effect of the epidural, but I'm feeling as though my entire body is engulfed in a soft cloud. Is this what peace feels like? I fall asleep. When I wake up, it wasn't all a dream, and my sweet baby boy is by my side staring at me through plexi glass. The urge to hold him close is overwhelming and I can't resist it. I don't think that will ever change. His little body is bundled tight and together we share each other's warmth. Same as before, only now I can look into his sparkling little eyes.

The weeks that follow are a blur of sleepless nights and days of feeding, changing and holding. But I cherish every moment. How could I have been so selfish for so long. This is what life is all about. This is what brings true happiness.

Brody will be three months old on Tuesday. I'm already missing the sweet moments when he was so little and helpless, but I'm absolutely in love with every new little step. He laughs and smiles and coos and everyday finds something new to do with his hands and feet.

My Baby.

My Love.

Does Humanity exist anymore?

I'm nine months and counting. It's now completely obvious that I'm pregnant, yet somehow people seems to pretend not to notice.

Case in point.

Yesterday there was quite a snow storm that hit the northeast. That didn't stop me. I still needed to get to work for my last two days. Off to the subway I went, waddling as best I can. I've stopped rushing, with the understanding that there are more important things in life to worry about, so slowly I made my way down the subway entrance. Sure enough a train was on it's way into the station and I thought, "Hey, if I make, I make it. If I don't, I'll take the next train." No sooner than the thought passed through my mind, my feet gave way underneath me and I found myself plummeting down the stairs, my hand slipping down the railing despite my best effort to hold on tight. There I was, in shock, and a world of pain. My tail bone, arms, legs and back were throbbing and the tears started to well up. As soon as I caught my breath, I began to whimper a cry for help, "can someone please help me?" I repeated myself, paraphrasing several times, as people entered and exited the train. For nearly 10 minutes I lay there crying and asking for help as people ignored and passed me by. Were they blind, confused, did they not see that I wasn't some crazy person? And what if I was? My cries would have been no less valid. Finally, after some hesitation a teenager asked if I needed help. He assisted me to my feet and up to the platform where I could call Tyler. Panic and pain were all I could feel. Did I hurt the baby. Was I going into labor. I felt pain everywhere. I stood there with my arms clasped around my belly. Just walk by and stare, that's all anyone could do.

What the hell is wrong with people.

I was lucky. Aside from a baseball size bruise on my butt and a few smaller on my arms and legs, I'm okay and so is the little one. He has plenty of padding. But still, a bit of a scare.



Humanity? I'm not so sure anymore.

Any Day now! (Margie)

The anticipation is almost too much to bear.

That's really all I can say about it at this point.

I'm ready!

Let the countdown begin

I'm down to counting weeks now. Not many left. As time draws closer I'm filled with anticipation, excitement and fear. None of which I could ever begin to describe, they are all too intense. I've been so tired lately that I haven't had the energy to do very much. I hardly ever write anymore, and taking care of the apartment in an enormous task (what with my big belly and all). But it's coming together. His little bed is on it's way along with a myriad of additional baby accoutrement, all of which will be completely foreign. I just have to keep reminding myself that instinct will kick in and I'll know how to be a mother. I suppose it already has. I can't wait to hold and care for my little man. I think about it constantly. Every time he moves inside me I imagine what it would feel like in my arms. How his tiny feet will react when I touch them and his little fingers will curl and grasp onto mine. Already the moments we share seem so tender and filled with love. I sound like such a sap. Blame it on the hormones, I guess. I'm not sure when I'm going to stop working, but I'm thinking soon. I'm worried I'll be at work when I go into labor. Wouldn't that be classic. I can make it just a few more weeks...I hope.

Now I'm exhausted again. I'm headed to bed.

Love to all my family and friends.

Rest for the weary

Saturday, I got to work, had a big breakfast and began to prepare for the day. I was feeling a bit off, but chalked it up to getting up early and rushing to work. After a few hours I realized I was having dizzy spells. They started to get worse until I couldn't even stand up without feeling like I would fall over. My vision was blurred as well. I called my doctor and she told me to get straight to the hospital. Ty came to my rescue and helped me get there. I was on monitors for a few hours and the doctor's ran a bunch of tests to check my vitals and check the baby as well. Everything came back fine and the baby was active and going strong. I, on the other hand, was diagnosed with severe fatigue and low fluids. I'll always remember the nurse's reaction when I told her I work 50 hours a week. She immediately snapped a look at me and said, "Not anymore, you don't". Hopefully, my work will be understanding and realize I am pregnant and I am going to have a baby in 7-10 weeks. I'm in the final stretch here and I'm really beginning to feel the weight of this process. I was put on bed rest for a few days and that's where I've been. It's not as easy as it sounds. I'm really struggling to not do more than I'm able. All I ever do is go, go, go. That's what I'm used to, but I'm beginning to realize that unless I start to slow down, my body will do it for me. So, I'm resting and trying not to focus on all the things I could be doing. I just have to remember that I'm doing it for my little guy and he needs me to take it easy.

Baby is very active and already has a personality. He's a mover and he's getting so strong. Every kick becomes more and more pronounced. He reacts to sounds and movements and gets a little fiesty. I can't wait to see him. He already makes me laugh, and not just because his little feet are always kicking on my tickle spots. You can push on his feet and he'll push back. It's amazing how much you can love a little person you've never even seen.

He's gonna be a momma's boy.

Identity Lost

One day after Christmas and my wallet has mysteriously disappeared. I had it in the morning when I went to work and when I tried to get on the subway to go home...it was gone. Stolen? Lost? I have no idea. My guess is it was stolen somewhere at Hard Rock. I can't see how anyone could have taken from my bag on the walk to the subway. Unless they have some kind of stealth mutant power and could run past me undetected, rummage through my bag to locate said wallet and then zip away at the speed of light. In any case, it's gone along with my identity, and I mean ALL of my identity. This truly sucks balls. That's really all I can say about it. I now have to close everything and replace everything. Fantastic! I love it!



Hey, at least it gave me something to write about on myspace. My life would otherwise just be hum drum and monotonous. Well except for the little life that's constantly changing inside me, that's definitely different every day. A new smell that bothers me. A new pain in my hip or leg. A new food that gives me major indigestion. Good thing it's all counterbalanced with a new little kick or movement A new little reaction to sound. A new realization of when he's asleep and when he's awake. A new way to love him more when I discover singing to him calms him down.



Who cares about my wallet.

Always get a seat on the train

I'm so busy these days I barely have enough time to breathe. I'm sure that comes with the season, and the job. But I'm making it through. I'm also growing. Yep, no hiding the fact now. I'm definitely pregnant and I definitely have a bump. It's obvious enough that everytime I get on the train...I get a seat. We almost every time. I think sometimes people aren't sure and then they pretend like they didn't see. It's pretty funny. I'm sure they feel like total assholes when the person next to them offers their seat. Just a little perk.

I don't even remember the last time I took the time to write. And, I think this is the first time I've written about being pregnant. There are times when I still have to let it sink in, but most of the time I'm pretty excited. I feel him move now...yes, it is a him...and he loves to wiggle around and kick. I'm a Momma. How crazy is that!

It's amazing how all my priorities have changed. At least for the time being. Yes, there are times when I still wonder what I would be doing if I wasn't pregnant, but they just don't seem that important right now. In fact, I didn't even feel that bad when I was offered the chance to be in a Theatreworks production of "If you give a Mouse a Cookie" (even though I have been auditioning for them for the last three years). Nice timing, huh. I think I've been cast in the best role of all and I can't wait to see my little guy.

I'm not getting any time off for the holidays, but I am planning on going to Salt Lake to visit the fam the first week of January. I can't wait! They haven't seen my belly yet, or my brown hair...yeah for the time being no more bleach...but I love it and it looks great. That's the last possible week I'll be able to fly until after I have the baby. Then we'll have to see.

Now, my bed is calling, but I'll try to keep everyone updated from now on.

Time for Reflection

Unconnected and out of touch. I've been without an internet connection and cable for the past week. Just me and an empty apartment. I guess I'm not completely alone though. And that is the one thing that is getting me through.

Right now I'm sitting at work, trying to stay hidden so I don't get bothered by all the employees. Not an easy task.

I'm trying not to let myself get lonely, but without warning the feelings start to creep in. I find myself lying in bed with a blank stare and nothing but my thoughts racing around the room.

Change.

It's amazing how quickly life can take a sharp turn and all you can do is hold on for the ride. So here I am, holding on for dear life, and watching the signs pass...curves ahead...boy, do I ever feel that one.

Fear.

I don't know if I can even begin to touch on that subject today. Especially here at work. But it's there, always, in the back of my mind.

So many things I want to say...

Do Flu shots really help?

Or, do they just make you sick?