Now starring...TONI DOLCE

"Mommy...dere's a porcupine in my froat"



I've had absolutely no voice for the last two days. I'm on complete vocal rest today which means not one peep from me. I'm drugged up with cough medicine and feeling quite dizzy even just sitting here. I always have this fear every time I get sick like this that I might lose my voice forever. I think that may be my biggest fear...not being able to sing. It's my life force. But I just say to myself, "Self, get a hold now. You're not dying and you'll get your voice back SO RELAX ALREADY!" My Gramps always used to say "chin up, buck-a-roo" to cheer me up. I liked that and it made me laugh when I thought of it just now.



I was planning on going to church today. It feels like I haven't been forever and I really just wanted to go and listen and enjoy. After taking my cough medicine though, I slept right through it. I guess there are times when your body kicks you in the ass and let's you know when you need to just rest and take care of yourself.



Last night I had the privilege of going to the birthday party for the great Toni Dolce. She's a friend of mine from college and the craziest narcissistic person I’ve ever met. I love her though. She rented out the second floor of Tonic, the bar where she works and invited hundreds of her closest friends and family. There was a guest book, a cake with a picture of herself painted on it, a PowerPoint presentation of Toni Trivia projected on a big screen, and a special guest performance TBA…Toni Dolce. She entertained us with two songs and thanked us for coming to celebrate in her words, “well, ME!” Ah, I love this girl. There’s just nobody quite like her. But, she’s truly sincere and she’s been a great friend. She’s driven and I know she will accomplish anything she puts her mind to. We lunch on Wednesday…it’s already in her Blackberry…and I can’t wait to talk to her one on one when she’s not trying to be the socialite.



I’m kind of spinning now, so this is it for today. Back to my healing process of veggin’ out.



Day’s off RULE!

Yin Yang day

I go from having days off and doing absolutely nothing to completely filling them. Today is a prime example...

~ Wake up at 5:00 and rush to work to cater a breakfast...no fun.
~ Come home and go with Tyler to see the new zombie movie, Land of the Dead
~ Lunch, get ready for the evening
~ Head back to the city to see the Get Up Kids - 1st concert for the night
~ Leave Get Up Kids early and rush to see Alkaline Trio
~ Long trek home on the subway

I wonder when I'll have a normal day. It always seems to be one extreme or the other. I'm better with the busy days. Keeps me happy. I guess I work better under pressure...I always have.

School loans suck

I've been sick the last two days and in a vegitative state. So, I've either been in and out of consiousness on the couch or at the computer. Not very productive. Thank heaven for food delivery. Actually you can get anything delivered around here. There's really no need to leave the home anymore.

That's probably how I got sick in the first place. I was next to some guy on the subway coughing up a lung and I'm putting the blame on him...bastard.

Oh, I have to give credit for the pictures I used in the last two blogs. They are from the collection of the escapeartist. She is an amazing writer and creative force. If you get a chance, check her out. I promise you'll be moved.

For myself...

At times we all feel like we're falling. Spiraling down and everything we know turns to wax and crumbles to pieces. It's during those times that we learn exactly what we're made of. Are we strong? Can we withstand the fall? Will there be someone there to catch us?





When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try and fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try and fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all of my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.


I've learned my lessons well. I'll never stop trying and I'll never stop searching and discovering. If I fall, I know there will be someone there to catch me. Despite his flaws, he's there when it matters most. When I need comfort with warmth that consumes me to the core. A gentle hand placed on my head with tenderness that transcends a mortal love and becomes eternal. That was my choice. He is the one I love and pieces of his presence trickle through from time to time. If distractions from this world and detours have taken me away from that love, then I must make my way back to my chosen path.



If I fall...I will be rescued.





If you fall...I'll be there.

Teach me to be more adaptive

After feeling complete emptiness for the past few days, today I feel happy and peaceful.

I'm making new beginnings and starting fresh. I'm content where I stand and feel very blessed to be living the life I am today. I'm feeling such love for Ty, and my family and my friends. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate them. Ty, I know this hasn't been our ideal life, but we're headed in the right direction. We can make those steps together, we're a team, remember. We can't just keep drifting through life, we've got to get our shit together and do what we love. We have to love and support each other no matter what. We owe that to little Bud...haha.

To my family, I love you and miss you and I'll see you soon. Better get the burb ready and all the camping gear because I'm hittin' the mountains whether you come with me or not. Maybe we could take a couple days and go to Jackson Hole and stay at the cabin...yes???

To all my friends, old and new. I mean all the things I say when I tell you how much you've affected and changed my life. You help me discover my limitations as well as the infinite posibilities that stand before me. I wish for all of you peace and happiness in all the new paths you take. I say this with complete sincerity and love. Thank you.

Now, I'm feeling the need to actually get up and do something. I've been recouping for the past few days and haven't had any energy to move. I'm feeling envigorated and ready to take on the day.

Broken wing healed and I'm ready to fly...

Jumped to conclusions

I have unleashed the Poet, the wanton lust goddess of elaborately woven together words and phrases. She has chaotically smashed open Pandora’s Box and set in motion an irreversible chain of events. She is brazenly honest revealing those hidden secrets promised never to disclose. Without a thought of possible repercussions she carelessly exposed the veiled song of the Lark.



The Poet speaks from the heart, not the head. Her prose transforms through truthfulness innocent words and combines them to wield great power. This power, although intended for good may have been misinterpreted as malevolence.



The Poet set the Lark free, yet her song was sung too hastily and she has retreated.



The Lark is caged and silenced.



Humbled.

Let me sing...

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubliate,
Sitting in cages,
Never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits,
Beckoning, beckoning,
Just beyond the Bars.
How can you remain,
Staring at the rain,
Maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing anything?
How is it you sing?

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale,blackbird,
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?
Are you discussing or fussing
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you Screaming?

Ringdove and robinet,
Is it for wages,
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided its
Safer in cages,
Singing when youre told?

My cage has many rooms,
Damask and dark.
Nothing there sings,
Not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
When theyre captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Let me sing.

Just because it's June

"June is bustin' out all over" Yeah, only theatre nerds will get that one.

"Hey Lamb Chop"...or could we venture to say Veal Cutlet, Sparerib, Tenderloin...

In any case, that's what I was last night, a piece of meat. It was the last night of Fleet Week in NYC and there was a special rock concert at HRC. There I was, in my tiny little uniform, on display for all the sailors and Marines. Granted, some of them were pretty to look at and I was not above flirting for tips. But if one more of them looked me up and down, nodded, winked and said, "What time do you get off?" I think I may have punched him in the nose. But I just smiled and tried to come up with as many witty replies as I could, "Oh, Hooters is one block down" was my fav. Exhausting. The band was good, all cover tunes, but very entertaining. I definitely got my exercise cuttin' it up on the dance floor.

All I can say is auditions are picking up and I am praying that one works out. Last June is when I was cast in Whorehouse, so I'm keeping positive.

Among other things that are butstin' out, how 'bout my Lil' Sis. She's entered a contest to become the next poster girl for a novelty store in SLC, the Blue Boutique. I'm all for it. She's a definite hottie and deserves to win. Could anyone disagree?