This is for my wife

My wife has some amazing blogs and is an amazing writer. She has a shitton of good blogs on MySpace that are just going to disappear so I'm going to transfer them for her.

Hope it all formats and looks ok

When I grow up

Is it just me or do we all feel increasingly confused as to the direction our lives should take the older we get. Here I am in my 30's and I can't help but wonder what I'm going to do when I grow up. Will I be an artist, a psychologist, a singer, an actor, a manager, a mother. I feel as though I'm at a constant crossroad and I could choose any direction and be successful, but which one is right for me? Does this ever get easier? I'm not sure it does. I do know, however that one of these choices is not really a choice at all. Regardless of what I do in my free time, I'm always a mother. And to tell you the truth, it's really the most fulfilling. So why do I feel like I need to do other things? In my perfect world I could spend all day with my son at my side creating music, singing and dancing and acting (the grown-up version of pretending). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think we ever really grow-up. I think we get older and there's a silly number attached to that aging, but I don't think there's an age when we have it all figured out. I may never become a famous actor or singer or artist. But, I'll always be a mom and I guess that's an achievement. Whatever happens from year to year, I want to enjoy every minute of bringing a life into the world and to see all the things he could become as well. We'll make that journey together. Maybe he can help me decide what I should be when I grow up.

It's been three days since the first "Twisted Mac" show and I'm still on a high. I haven't felt this alive in years and it's because it's been that long since I've been on a stage. But there I was, on a stage, with a microphone and maracas in hand. This is what I live for. I love my family more than I could ever express, but performing is what keeps my blood pumping.

The show was amazing. There was so much energy in the room, even though it was a small crowd. Doesn't matter. I'm still happy and now I can't wait to do it all again.

Ready for the next move.

Come on boys, when's our next rehearsal?

Evocative

I didn't realize how much I used to write and blog until I spent some time online today. Everything I felt and everything I experienced was captured in daily journal entries and I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't been keeping up, especially when there have been so many experiences in my life worthy of rememberance. At least I have some valid excuses, like being a mom and working 50 hours a week (60 including travel time). It's no wonder writing has been put on the back burner. But I do miss it. It was always an outlet for me gather and sort my thoughts.

So, let this be a new chapter in my life. A chapter that is actually documented.

I'll begin with what happened last night. I'm still on a creative high from the night. I've sort of started a little band with some co-workers and I'm really excited about it. We had our first rehearsal last night and I'm amazed at how well it went. I work with plenty of talented and creative people, but our little group seemed exceptional last night. So, if any of you are reading this...thank you, thank you, thank you. I had an absolute blast and I can hardly wait to get together again. I haven't performed for so long and I know it's what's been missing in my life lately. I have everything else I need with my beautiful family, but I'll always have the performing gene and I'm never complete without being able to share what's inside me. In fact, it's consuming my thoughts. All I think about is singing, dancing and acting. And I can't deny this overwhelming urge to take up piano again. I was really pretty good at one time and I know it wouldn't take me long to get it all back. So now the goal is to try and get my piano from SLC to PHX. I needed it months ago and it's just sitting there in Salt Lake waiting for me. If only it could grow legs and run down here to meet me. What a happy little reunion we would have.

Brody.

How do I even begin with that little man (which is exactly what he is...a little man). He's not even close to a baby anymore. He's running and dancing and talking and climbing like a madman. Brody, my sweet boy. He needed his mama so badly today it ripped my heart out to leave him to come to work. I said goodbye and he was absolutely devastated, tears streaming down his little cheeks, his arms reaching up to me, "MA MA MA MA". I leaned over to give him a little kiss and he grabbed my neck so tightly I struggled to peel his little arms off.

It tears me to pieces knowing how many little moments I'm missing and how quickly this time will pass.

I vow to do better with everything...being a mother, being a wife, singing, writing, never giving up. I'm done with just getting through each day.

Southwest SUCKS

I took a two day trip to SLC over the weekend.

The airline lost my bag.

No clothes. No make-up. No shoes, underwear, pj's, toothbrush...you get the picture.

They just found my bag today. How convenient.

I have no words to describe how angry I've been, hence the short sentences.

And I'm out.

Anticipation

I'll be in NY for the first time next week since moving to Phoenix. I'm so anxious and excited to go it's killing me. I've missed NY desperately and although I've been adjusting to Phoenix it still doesn't feel like home. I'm sure it will eventually and it will take some time, but I miss all my friends and the city itself. What can I say, I'll always be a big city girl.

So here I am, in Phoenix, surrounded by hay fields and crickets. I guess it's all relative. I could be in NY surrounded by co-ops and roaches. I think the thing that will make the difference for me is performing again and making some friends with substance. Then I don't really think it will matter where I am.

Tyler and Brody are the only things holding me together right now. Ty's helping me adjust and Brody is just the light of my life every day. He's so funny and sweet and I can't believe how much he's grown. He's smarter every day and I'm always amazed. Yeah, I know, mommy stuff. But I never imagined I could love someone as much as I love him. My baby boy.

New York. I'll see you next week.

Gravity

grav-i-ty [grav-i-tee] n.

A natural phenomenon by which all objects with mass attract each other in a way that conserves angular momentum.

The natural force of attraction exerted by a celestial body upon objects at or near its surface, tending to draw them toward the center of the body.


I hear your voice and a force I am unable to control takes over. The magnetism of each syllable and sound resonating from those perfectly formed lips demands my attention and pulls me in. You are the center and although dangerous, I am rendered powerless. Drawn in. Grounded.