Night Walker

Normal people. They have been described in so many ways and we all have our own ideas of what normal is. My idea of normal people is surrounding me at this very moment. I'm here in Arizona, Gilbert to be exact. It's a small suburb of the city. Everything is fairly new including the neighborhoods, shopping areas, freeways and roads, parks and eateries. People here keep regular hours. People wake up early, have breakfast, read the paper and go to work. The stores close early. There is a regular rush hour traffic which lasts about 3 hours after which time people return home to their families, eat dinner, maybe watch a little TV and then go to bed...around 10:00pm. Everyday here I see mothers taking their kids to various practices, lessons, etc. I see homes decorated for the season. People wave. Doors don't really need to be locked. In fact, you can take the dog around the block, watch the local kids at the skate park behind the house for a while, lie down under a grapefruit tree and contemplate life and not give a single thought to worrying about whether or not you even shut the door. Normal.

I feel like I may be the only person still awake. I am far from this kind of normal. I see all these things and wonder if all of these people are truly happy. Are they in some kind of special group that received the memo...you know, the one with instructions on how to have a happy and fulfilling life? Do they have it all figured out? Am I just fooling myself and on some kind of psycho mission to "make all my dreams come true". At this moment, I'm not sure I could say for certain what my dreams are anymore. So, you're probably reading this and thinking this chick is crazy. And, well, I won't contest it. I change my mind and have a different emotion every 15 minutes. Is this typical of someone nearing 30. I honestly thought I would have my life figured out by now. Somewhere I know I fit in to this intricately woven tapestry. Big city life, fast paced and scattered...small city with Halloween carnivals and perfectly convenient shopping centers. Will it even really matter where I live?

One day at a time is how I fear I may be living the rest of my life.

Melancholy effulgence

How many times can a heart be bruised before it no longer has the power to heal?

I want my own grapefruit tree

I have just returned from an inspiration-seeking walk through a palm tree lined park. This is after I attempted an inspiration seeking dip in the pool. I quickly decided there was only so much inspiration that would come from bobbing around in a cement hole filled with chlorinated water all by myself. So, I ventured out into the park, found a semi-shady spot and allowed the sun to penetrate through the rustling leaves creating a warm yellow leopard print all over my body. The gentle breeze and nearby birds sent me right into a peaceful trance. I reflected on my life to date. So many things have happened in the last year and I can hardly take it in. Although I still want more for my life and my future, I have so many things to be grateful for. Now, if I can only keep that feeling with me when I make my way back to the gray skies of NYC, I'll be fine. Maybe I won't stay inside all day. Maybe I won't feel tired all the time. Maybe I will be inspired to finally make the music I want to make and fulfill my dream of stepping on a stage in NYC to a crowd of people who just paid $100 for their seats to see me.

Here's the plan...

~ Stay at HRC until after the showcase for World Hunger Year - which, by the way, I will be singing with the house band, dancing (killer pop 'n lock routine - lol) and acting in comedy sketches - I'll fill you all in on how to get tickets when I find out myself

~ Audition full-time until someone...ANYONE...gives me a damn job

~ Take more lessons: Singing, dance and maybe an acting class or two

~ I will have a job before my birthday in February.



So, that's the plan. And I thank the citrus trees for helping me figure it all out.

Wanna hear something gross

I was putting on my shoes at work (you know is has to be good with a beginning like that)...anyway, I flipped my thumbnail back pretty much all the way and blood started gushing everywhere. Leave it to me to have an accident so stupid doing something so routine. I will live. Sadly, my nail will not. I have to wait for it to grow out all the way. It's all purple right now and it kinda hurts. I have it all bandaged up and I have to wear one of those itty bitty condoms at work. *chuckle* Itty bitty kitty condoms...you know, to protect your pussy. *chuckle* Okay, it was bad.

...........fingers tapping on keyboard..........thinking, thinking

Oh, so I tomorrow is my last day of work before I head to Arizona. I can't wait for the vacation. I plan to do nothing but relax by the pool and shop. Ty's mom likes to shop and I don't mind giving her a reason. Why not reap the benefits? Don't worry, I don't let her go too overboard because after a while it makes me feel uncomfortable. I love her though, and she's so sweet to everyone. Can't wait to see all the fam there.

Well, that about wraps it up for today. Maybe I'll find some inspiration tomorrow.

..................................

I need a blog slump buster.

The sun is on my neck

the wind is in my face

the sky is incredibly blue



I traded away my shift today and took the day off. Perfect timing since the heavens decided to finally shut down the water main.

My dear, sweet little friend Angie and I spent the day together in Union Square. We wandered around the Farmer's Market and meandered through the art street vendors, filled our bellies with delicious noodles at Republic and shopped our little hearts out all around the area. Sadly, no shoes were singing to me today and I couldn't justify buying a pair just for the hell of it. But my shopping experience wasn't entirely a bust. A new top and bracelet found their way home with me and are adapting very nicely.

To finish out my perfect day I'm going to finish watching all my zombie movies (I LOVE OCTOBER) while I do lunges, push-ups and about a million crunches. A week by the pool in Arizona and a two week cruise to Mexico are creeping up faster than I thought and my body must be bikini ready.

The break from my loneliness couldn't have come at a better time and I feel so refreshed and energized. I love my friends and everything they do for me. I couldn't survive without them.

Side note after talking to my mom...

I can't get my sister out of my head. I worry about her all the time and I hope she knows how much I love her.

Christel, you should have just stayed in NY with me.

"bang, bang, I am the warrior"

So, I'm not sure I like this whole "choose your top 8" thing. I fear it could cause unnecessary drama. I do see the convenience...but is it worth it? Do I risk adding certain friends to my top 8 and hurting someone's feelings or should I take the alternative route for the sake of my lazy ass that's just too tired of clicking to the next page? Hmmm...

I'll revisit this later when I attempt to select the top 8 yet again.


I was planning on going out with friends tonight, but we all decided collectively not to brave the rain and stay in. That's fine, I have pumpkin pie and chai tea that is sure to make my evening 'in' quite cosy. I am tired of the rain. It's been pouring for eight straight days. That's over a week that I haven't even seen the sun.

New York + No Sun + Subway + Work = Disgruntled New Yorker * 10

I'm going to Arizona next week. I can't handle work, or rain, or New York anymore this month.


On Wednesday I served a 'dinner for five' thing for VH1. I was the server for a Thanksgiving feast for Dee Snider from Twisted Sister, Patty Smythe, Clarence Clemons from the E Street Band, Chris Barron from the Spin Doctors and Wonder Mike from the Sugar Hill Gang. I was on quite a bit and the show will air on Thanksgiving. So, that is that.



I'm wrapping this up so I can go watch my ppv movie...

"You and Me and Everyone We Know"

It just started playing today after I had a conversation about it yesterday...weird.

I'm all alone

...and it's silent. Excruciating, really.

What do I do with my new found freedom?

Synonyms for excruciating:

agonizing
consuming
exquisite
extreme
grueling
harrowing
insufferable
intense
severe
tormenting
torturous
unbearable
unendurable

Okay, it has not yet reached this intensity, but I thought I'd gear up my vocabulary.

The apartment has never been this clean.

And I'm feeling something strange yet somewhat familiar. I find myself honing skills I never thought possible. I dare not even venture to say it, but I feel...

...domestic.

I've always been creative and crafty, but this is something entirely different. This is what mothers become, and grandmothers, and housewifes and homemakers.

I'm going to watch mindless TV now.