Good morning sunshine

The sun and heat have arrived. Just like that, the weather is warm. It's been so rainy and cold here I thought spring would never happen.

It's my day off today and I am doing my favorite warm weather activity...absolutely nothing. I went to breakfast this morning, yummy french toast, eggs and bacon. Holla for challah. Okay, that was dumb. It's so beautiful today that I couldn't stay inside. I went for a long walk around my neighborhood and to a park by my apartment. You can sit there forever just people watching. A group of little old men are always there playing chess and I was observing them. It makes me wonder what I'll be doing when I'm that old. Hopefully I'll have a hobby or past-time that gets me out of the house. While I was watching them, the strangest thing happened. Somebody, don't know if it was male or female, ran past in a ninja suit. Yep, NINJA, stealth. It was so bizarre and I had to call my friend April right away and tell her...I took it as a sign.

It was one year ago today that I graduated from AMDA. I've been reflecting on that year. It's gone by so quickly it seems like a blur. So much has happened and I can't believe how I've transitioned since then. I've made steps to fulfilling my dreams and a couple of them have become realities. I've made some lifelong friends that I will always keep in my heart. I've experienced everything I could. I've worked, practiced, grown, fallen, picked myself up, cried, laughed, loved, created, imagined, pursued, and the list goes on. With all these experiences I can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed. Thankfully, there are so many people in my life that keep me strong and pick me up when I need it. I love all of you.

I had a very long talk with my Mom. It started out as usual with the niceties of my life, work, auditions, home. And then before I could even control my thoughts and words I felt an uncontollable need for my family. I skipped all the bullshit "Life is good, and we're fine" and told her exactly how I felt. Things aren't always good and I've had the hardest years of my life living in NYC. I opened my heart to her and words spilled from my core. Together we cried, she listened and understood and said "I didn't know". Then my Dad took the phone and I have never been more comforted by the sound of anyone's voice. He was so gentle with his words and I have never missed my family more.

"I love you Dad"
"I love you too"
"I miss you"
"I miss you too"
"I need you"

And then my big strong Dad couldn't choke out a reply. I guess after being independent for 10 years you forget how much you need each other. We talked about Granny and Gramps and Grandma and Grandpa and the influence they had on our lives and how much I want to emulate all of them.

I felt so much peace and I know now that I need to find out what makes me happy and never lose sight of my goals. My family will always be there for me no matter what.

Well this turned out much more serious than it began, but I'm just a rollercoaster of emotions right now. So, I'm going to bring it back up. I've been watching the first season of Scrubs on DVD. I can't even describe how funny and imaginative each episode is. If you ever need a good laugh or a pick-me-up I suggest watching Scrubs. In fact, that's what I'm going to do right now.

Thank you to everone who has been putting up with me lately. I love you and appreciate everything you do for me.

Peace.
~Ro

Restless

I'm up early. Last night I didn't sleep very well. I kept having all these nightmares and I woke up with a fever. I've been laying in bed awake for almost two hours with thoughts racing through my head to the point where I think I might scream out loud.

I'm stressed about going to work today. They gave me all this extra responsibility and I don't want it. My job isn't what I want and it's taking from me all my desire. I have to find work soon or I may just whither away.

Yesterday I was practicing for a while and now I have this monologue in my head. If I don't write it down it may be stuck there forever. It's from Chapter Two by Neil Simon. It's Jennie, a part I play very well.

"I know I’m not as smart as you. Maybe I can’t analyze and theorize and speculate on why we behave as we do and react as we do and suffer guilt and love and hate. You read all those books, not me…But there’s one thing I do know. I know how I feel. I know I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists because you won’t even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness---and still know that I love you. That’s always so clear to me. It’s the one place I get all my strength from…You mean so much to me that I am willing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity---because that’s what you need to do to prove I’m not going to leave you. I can’t promise I’m not going to, George, that’s asking too much. But if you want to test me, go ahead and test me. You want to leave, leave! But I’m not the one who’s going to walk away. I don’t know if I can take it forever, but I can take it tonight and I can take it next week. Next month I may be a little shaky…But I’ll tell you something, George. No matter what you say about me, I feel so good about myself---better than I felt when I thought there was no one in the world out there for me, and better than I felt the night before we got married and I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you…Well, I am! I’m wonderful! I’m nuts about me! And if you’re stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, then you don’t deserve as good as you’ve got!"

There, it's out, and my head is beginning to clear.

To the creature that cannot be caught...there's just pieces of me you've never seen...

...I say to you this. "I'm not like the girls that you've known, but I believe I'm worth coming home to"...I am not one to be grouped, or categorized, or placed on a shelf like a doll you can take down when you please...

"I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way"

These were all random thoughts and should in no way be grouped together. Everything swirling around is beginning to settle and I'm much more lucid. Strong and ready to face the day.

Peace.
~R

Reflections

So, I'm sitting here watching American Idol. I know, I know, but it's the last show and they're at the Kodak Theatre. That's what sparked a myriad of memories for me. Yep, I was there. I stood on that stage. I danced around in next to nothing for an entire audience who cheered and laughed and gave us standing ovations. I didn't have to be created either. What an experience I will never forget.

I have to share something funny that happened on our last performance in LA. Taylor, our wonderful governor in the show, was singing his song, doin' his thing and he messed up a line. Before I tell you what line, let me preface by telling you that the entire Kodak Theatre backstage is painted in numerous shades of purple. It's on the walls, ceilings, doors, air vents, pipes. It's everywhere...purple. So, our own American Idol, Taylor had his line "Now who say's I don't speak out as plain as day". But to create a memory that will forever keep a smile in my heart, Taylor said "Now who says I don't speak out as........PURPLE day?" The entire cast could not hold back. Not one serious face on stage. We all had to turn our backs to the audience and couldn't look at eachother or we would burst into laughter. Taylor kept it together and continued on as if nothing had happened. What a rock star. Thank you Taylor for such a wonderful memory I will always have when I think of the Kodak Theatre.

Now when I see the Kodak it doesn't seem as intimidating. I've been there before and I'll be there again. YES!!!

Bring it.
~Ro

Someone get this net off me

Whoa, they changed the blog form...okay...I can handle it.

I'm in my head a lot lately. I have all these thoughts and images and ideas and they are all just racing about until I feel my head might explode if I don't give them an outlet. My creativity has been caged, so tomorrow it is my goal to free my mind in any way I can. I have an idea for a painting that I'm going to start provided I can find a model. It's very Frida Kahlo and might freak people out but it's an image I've had in my head for a couple days now. It's haunting me. I don't know why I haven't been able to pick up a paintbrush lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm afraid to share what's in my head so I keep it locked up. But today I was thinking maybe if I let people know what's in my head they might understand me better. That, or think I'm crazy. I'm fine either way. I think I'm worried that the people I care about the most won't appreciate the images I create. Or, they'll trivialize them and make me feel like less of a person. It's happened before. One day I'll escape from this cage and finally be able to be myself all the time. I'm so glad I pulled out my portfolio. It gave me some inspiration. I had forgotton about some of my pieces. I posted a couple so when I go online it will remind me to create more.

Now for the mundane and everyday news...

They finally started giving me better sections at Hard Rock so I can make some money. Today I was only there for four hours and made as much as I do in two days. Yea. It was my friend Jacquie's last day so we doused her in chocolate sauce and whipped cream as a going away present. She was not amused but was a good sport. I let her borrow my hoodie so she didn't have to go out in public looking like she had just left an underground mud wrestling tournament. Hmmm...random super hot thought...and it's gone.

I plan on de-junking my apt. tomorrow. I have way too much clutter and it's driving me nuts. It's going out on the sidewalk for the scavengers. It'll be gone in a day.

My painting is back in my head...if I don't start it tomorrow I think I'll go insane. In fact I'm going to start the sketches for it right now.

Buh bye,
Rochelle

Old and New Friends

Nothing like a visit with old and new friends to feed the soul and rejuvinate the spirit. AAAHHH! This weekend was great. I spent some time with tour friends, caught up with lives, met some new friends and was finally able to put some faces to names. I bought my tickets to SLC. I'll be there from July 11th to the 17th. The R&R can't come fast enough. Well, I best be off. Tyler is on a tirade and it is way past his feeding time. Hopefully I don't lose an arm during the process. I tried loading some new pics of my art and an epiphany pic of something I saw on the subway. OUT! ~R

Ketsup

Sunday I joined 40,000 other New Yorkers in the Aids Walk. It was the 20th Anniversary but the first time I participated. It was definitely an experience. I went with a group from Hard Rock. We all had matching t-shirts. However, I personalized mine, cut it all up, altered it and sewed to make it pretty. Everyone was jealous. The walk was 10K and I was pretty beat after. So, what did I do? That's right folks, it's New York, I walked some more. It was my friend Katie's last day in the States. She and her boyfriend Chris are moving to Japan. To say goodbye a group gathered at one of my new favorite little places to eat, V*nyl. It has a vinyl record theme and all of their menus are made out of old record covers. They have fabulous food there. especially the breakfast. I may even say it rivals the number one slot on the list that is currently held by Cora's in Canada. We'll see. It was sad to say goodbye. All my close friends seem to disappear out of my life. She will be missed. In the news today...I cut my hair, finally. I'm not quite used to it, but I like the change. It's very blonde, shoulder length, and has lots of choppy layers. Very chic, very New York. I kind of feel like I look my age though. No more ponytails to make me look 18 anymore. It's hot, I like it. We'll see what the judge thinks. Also, I bought a tux today so I could start my new catering job. That's really all I have to say about that. Bought a pair of shoes online and they came today. I LOVE THAT!!! Still waiting on a skirt. I think I will be going to Salt Lake in July to visit the fam. Tyler has to go on a baseball trip and I figured that would be the perfect time to go. That way I won't be traveling while he's left at home alone. I think he's pretty through with that scenerio. Well, that's my life and now I'm going to make some ginger tea and get cozy. Love, Rochelle

Needing a Change

I took a little break from auditioning for a while which helped me clear my head and get focused. So glad. Now I'm preparing to work my way back into the cattle calls and GET A DAMN JOB!!! I've decided my hair is too long. It makes me look too young and I can't audtion for some of the rolls I want because I look too much like a kid. So, I'm going shorter, choppy, and blonde. Very chic and updated to make me look my age and hopefully land me in some better auditions. I'm getting it done on Sunday and the count down is going to kill me. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I miss my mom. She's so beautiful and loving and makes me feel happy in every way. She's also wacky and the only mom I know that went to her Mom's Day brunch at a fancy restaurant in a Trogdor shirt. Go MOM! I went to see a musical and I know my mom would have laughed her ass off. It was The Musical of Musicals - The Musical. Yep, try not to get confused. It was a satire on past and modern day musicals and it was fabulous. Very witty and truthful. Wednesday I'm going to see a one woman play called Nine Parts of Desire. It's a combination of several monologues recounting the lives and struggles of Iraqi women during times of war. Should be very good and I'm eager to see it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Just had to get that out. I'm kind of bored and I have nobody to talk to right now. So, I'm singing and practicing, but sometimes you just have yell and scream, get it all out, take a deep breath, and return to life. Blah, blah, blog, blog...bye.

Ups and Downs

Just once, I'd like to have wonderful things happen to me and Tyler at the same time. It seems like we take turns at having our dreams come true, but it never happens together. So, here I am, without many auditions and no prospects in the near future of finding work, and Tyler has landed his dream job. He now works for MLB.com. He lives and breathes baseball, only now, he gets paid for it. I'm so happy for him and he's just beaming all the time. He gets tickets to any major league game, gets to travel to see games and goes to work to deal with baseball all day. Things couldn't be more perfect for him. Now, for our happiness to be complete, I have to nail an audition and get in a show. It will happen. Lately I've taken to shopping online. It's a glorious thing. No people to deal with, no trains and I get a package in the mail (one of my favorite things). I'm currently awaiting some shoes and accessories from Urban Outfitters and clothes from Nordstom. I'm SO excited. Work...phffffff...it's been somewhat slow and I don't know how I've been making it through. I applied for another job as soon as I got back from tour and heard from them last week. It's a catering job and it's a piece of cake. The interview was the fastest I've ever had. In fact, it wasn't even an interview. I pretty much had the job before I even got there. My boss basically told me that she looked at my resume and since I already work at Hard Rock this would be ten times easier. So, I talked to her for less than five minutes, filled out my paperwork and I start in a couple weeks. It's $25 an hour plus tips and all I have to do is walk around with trays and smile. No orders, no running to the kitchen because my food is taking forever and no relying on foreigners who don't understand the concept of tipping to pay my salary. However, despite my best efforts to lay low on the Hard Rock radar, I've been noticed. Apparently when you get to work on time, don't complain, keep a positive attitude and just do your job that not only keeps the managers off your back, it also wins you employee of the month. Yep, that's me. Over fifty servers, I'm back three weeks and I get promoted to a trainer and made employee of the month. I just don't want to get sucked into the Hard Rock world, which is happening faster than I can comprehend. Now, because I'm responsible and shit, I can't even throw them off by being late or not showing up for a shift, sassing my customers, etc. Will there ever be a day that I'll be able to let down my guard and not be the overachieving perfectionist.


Editor note: Couldn't have done it without you baby, i love you

Why do I write

"It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop." (Vita Sackville-West) Don't let life go - release your creativity. "We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection." Anais Nin There, in the words of these great writers, lies the answer. I'll write more about me tomorrow. ~Ro