Restless

I'm up early. Last night I didn't sleep very well. I kept having all these nightmares and I woke up with a fever. I've been laying in bed awake for almost two hours with thoughts racing through my head to the point where I think I might scream out loud.

I'm stressed about going to work today. They gave me all this extra responsibility and I don't want it. My job isn't what I want and it's taking from me all my desire. I have to find work soon or I may just whither away.

Yesterday I was practicing for a while and now I have this monologue in my head. If I don't write it down it may be stuck there forever. It's from Chapter Two by Neil Simon. It's Jennie, a part I play very well.

"I know I’m not as smart as you. Maybe I can’t analyze and theorize and speculate on why we behave as we do and react as we do and suffer guilt and love and hate. You read all those books, not me…But there’s one thing I do know. I know how I feel. I know I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists because you won’t even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness---and still know that I love you. That’s always so clear to me. It’s the one place I get all my strength from…You mean so much to me that I am willing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity---because that’s what you need to do to prove I’m not going to leave you. I can’t promise I’m not going to, George, that’s asking too much. But if you want to test me, go ahead and test me. You want to leave, leave! But I’m not the one who’s going to walk away. I don’t know if I can take it forever, but I can take it tonight and I can take it next week. Next month I may be a little shaky…But I’ll tell you something, George. No matter what you say about me, I feel so good about myself---better than I felt when I thought there was no one in the world out there for me, and better than I felt the night before we got married and I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you…Well, I am! I’m wonderful! I’m nuts about me! And if you’re stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, then you don’t deserve as good as you’ve got!"

There, it's out, and my head is beginning to clear.

To the creature that cannot be caught...there's just pieces of me you've never seen...

...I say to you this. "I'm not like the girls that you've known, but I believe I'm worth coming home to"...I am not one to be grouped, or categorized, or placed on a shelf like a doll you can take down when you please...

"I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way"

These were all random thoughts and should in no way be grouped together. Everything swirling around is beginning to settle and I'm much more lucid. Strong and ready to face the day.

Peace.
~R