System Failure

My poor computer has completely bit the dust. Yep, gone. Sad thing is I'm not sure if I can even retrieve any of my files, pics, music, etc. I have some things backed up, but none of my pictures (I just transfered all of them from my camera). That would be all of my recent vacations, life in New York and the Whorehouse tour, now just memories.

I'm using Ty's laptop right now and it's been my only sanity.

to be continued...

I've been told that my blogs have taken on a sombre nature and have been sounding quite bleak. Let me break that chain immediately by saying that today was a wonderful day. Yes, I did go to work and for the first time in weeks it was a bit slow which gave me a much needed break. All of my fellow employees seemed to be in positive moods and quite upbeat. I think they all needed the break as well. I had two celebrity sightings today. This is actually a common occurrence living in New York and working at Hard Rock. The flavor of the day was Joey Fatone form N'Sync (yeah, I know...lame...but whatever). I honestly could care less, but some of the other managers were all over him, getting him to sign the guitar wall. I spoke to him briefly about being in Rent, which is actually why he was in the area. The 10 year anniversary party for the opening of Rent was today and he was headed there right after lunch.

After work, I met my dear friend Deborah for dinner. It was so nice to see her and catch up on her life. I truly wish her all the best. We ate at one of my favorite little places, v*nyl (spelled just like that). Sitting across from me was Rachel Dratch from Saturday Night Live. I absolutely love her. I think she's an amazing commedian/actor. So, the fact that she may frequent the same little dinner made me smile.

I'm home now and getting ready for a long day of singing and dancing tomorrow.

I'm keepin' my fingers crossed for an audition miracle!

Love to all my friends and family!

Lost

I've had this screen open for nearly three hours trying to think of something to say. Am I truly that scattered lately? I haven't seen my friends forever. I go to work, come home and stay there. I'm unmotivated. I haven't been to an audition for ages. A wave of life changing decisions are crashing though my head.

When are decisions going to be clear for me? When will I know I'm finally on the right path?

Tues-Thurs

Tuesday - day begins at 7:00 AM

- All staff meeting at HRC
- Saturn buy out
- Camp Freddy
- cater to the stars (whatever)
- Sleep? What's that?

Did Wednesday actually happen? It's a total blur. Too busy.

Thursday -

- Finally get a hair appointment 8:00 AM
- Once I'm completely blonde, go to work
- Hoobastank
- cater to more stars
- no sleep once again

The car to finally take me home for a much needed 8 hour break from work is on it's way.

That's all I got for now...no energy to even finish this blog.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Tonight was a great night, thanks to my friends who helped get me out of my funk and out in public to laugh for a while. Bohemian Hall was the place (the adjacent beer garden), kielbasa sausage was the food, deer hunter (or some shit like that) was the game, and all my girls together completed the perfect evening. It would have been nice if Tyler was there, but he had to work late. I would love for him to meet all of my friends. I guess when the season's over...







I started reading a wonderful book today and I can't seem to get one of the lines out of my head. I think it's so beautiful and poignant:



"In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia"



In one little sentence it captured for me why we might continue to make the same mistakes. When thinking about the past, we tend to forget the pain, the heavy weight. Those kinds of memories become only words or ideas, something that couldn't possibly recur eternally. If it was in the past and if it happened again, it couldn't be the same. Now I don't want to get all Nietzsche on your asses, but I think situations do recur infinitely, we just don't recognize them because they are cleverly disguised behind masks or facades. What then will keep us from perpetuating a cycle? How will we know when something has recurred in our lives? Will we be able to recognize it, or will we be blinded by the luminous brilliance of it's witty ruse of something new, something different.



I believe, in the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia...even a guillotine.

Juxtaposition

New York...Snow in Spring

My hopes for a sunny day have been shattered. I was so excited for a change from the norm, but somehow fate always steps in. Funny how it works.

I left for work feeling confident and a little sexy, putting on my best Angie Dickinson impression. Sometimes a girl just needs to feel a little sexy. Of course I'm limited in what I can and cannot wear at work, but I still managed to don my black knee high boots, a skirt and a drapey v-cut wrap top. With my additional sense of confidence I was able to take on the day with style and grace. Perfect timing since I had yet another impromptu interview with the GM about my new position, my plans and my goals. With all these interviews I can't help but wonder if they are trying to scare me to see if I have the balls to help run the machismo driven company. Well gentlemen, I may not have the balls, but all my other assets are perfectly intact and I'm not about to back down. I will not go back to being a server again.

Bring it on, baby.

Blessed by your own ghost

I'm an observer. I watch people and I wonder so many things about them. Where are they going? What are they doing? Are they happy? Sad? Burdened? Tired? I can't imagine living in this city would bring much happiness to anyone, but lately it's become harder and harder for me to find joy and the more people I observe, I am determined it's just not possible here. I wonder why people choose to live in this state, then I realize I'm doing exactly the same thing. I'm living here, traveling through time day by day just surviving. I wake up to go to work and I work to live here. Is it harder for me because I know what it's like to live with a higher standard. When I say a higher standard, I mean a standard of living. The ability to get in a car, drive to the grocery store, pharmacy, doctor's office, movie theater and have a place to park. Or, walk down the street and not have to dodge garbage or feces. To rent an apartment and still have some of your paycheck left. To not have to worry about roaches or lead paint on the walls. To have a dishwasher. Now, I'm not saying these things aren't attainable here, they just aren't to the general public. These standards, the one's I have always grown up with, are only available to the privileged...aka...the wealthy residents. I guess I just see all these people every day and wonder, "why here?" Why not move to a place where you can do the same job and not have to haul a big ass stroller down the subway stairs to take your baby to the park. It's no wonder most of the people I see can't seem to find a smile or a kind word for anyone. They're all so angry.

I don't want to seem unappreciative for the things I have now. I know we all could have it a lot worse. I still have many comforts and I'm very grateful for all that I have. I'm just tired of the fight. So now I watch quietly...a tiny droplet in this raging sea. How I long for the quiet stream.

Maybe I'm scared. Scared that one day I'll wake up, be 80 years old and still be fighting...still be wondering. I'm scared of settling and accepting there will always be a fight.


Now that I have all of that off my chest...

My parent's just celebrated 32 year of marriage. What an inspiration. They are still so very much in love and I am eternally grateful for the example they set. I love you Mom and Dad. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live up to the image, but I guess that happens over time and with each new challenge you learn and grow stronger together. With all our challenges, we are working on building an atomic barrier around our marriage. We're already a quarter of the way there.