Blessed by your own ghost

I'm an observer. I watch people and I wonder so many things about them. Where are they going? What are they doing? Are they happy? Sad? Burdened? Tired? I can't imagine living in this city would bring much happiness to anyone, but lately it's become harder and harder for me to find joy and the more people I observe, I am determined it's just not possible here. I wonder why people choose to live in this state, then I realize I'm doing exactly the same thing. I'm living here, traveling through time day by day just surviving. I wake up to go to work and I work to live here. Is it harder for me because I know what it's like to live with a higher standard. When I say a higher standard, I mean a standard of living. The ability to get in a car, drive to the grocery store, pharmacy, doctor's office, movie theater and have a place to park. Or, walk down the street and not have to dodge garbage or feces. To rent an apartment and still have some of your paycheck left. To not have to worry about roaches or lead paint on the walls. To have a dishwasher. Now, I'm not saying these things aren't attainable here, they just aren't to the general public. These standards, the one's I have always grown up with, are only available to the privileged...aka...the wealthy residents. I guess I just see all these people every day and wonder, "why here?" Why not move to a place where you can do the same job and not have to haul a big ass stroller down the subway stairs to take your baby to the park. It's no wonder most of the people I see can't seem to find a smile or a kind word for anyone. They're all so angry.

I don't want to seem unappreciative for the things I have now. I know we all could have it a lot worse. I still have many comforts and I'm very grateful for all that I have. I'm just tired of the fight. So now I watch quietly...a tiny droplet in this raging sea. How I long for the quiet stream.

Maybe I'm scared. Scared that one day I'll wake up, be 80 years old and still be fighting...still be wondering. I'm scared of settling and accepting there will always be a fight.


Now that I have all of that off my chest...

My parent's just celebrated 32 year of marriage. What an inspiration. They are still so very much in love and I am eternally grateful for the example they set. I love you Mom and Dad. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live up to the image, but I guess that happens over time and with each new challenge you learn and grow stronger together. With all our challenges, we are working on building an atomic barrier around our marriage. We're already a quarter of the way there.