Full Moon over Beirut

Just above the silhouetted trees radiates the glow from the city lights. It is not as bright and warm as the rays from the moon permeating the humid fog that blankets the city. Breathing is a little difficult under these conditions, but an occasional coastal breeze brings relief and carries with it the last hint of summer. Under these conditions magic happens. A turtle pond is transformed into the moat of an exquisite illuminated castle whose grandeur is reflected in the dark water. Harmonic chords soar through the air and instantly transport this setting to another place and time. It's hard to believe these conditions can exist in a city polluted with traffic and commerce. But they do, nestled safely amid granite precipices and stalwart trees.



Central Park, an oasis for city dwellers to shake off the stress of survival and simply live. It's here that I first heard Beirut. It's here that I first ventured out for pleasure without my son (although I missed him every second). And, it's here that I first felt the pang at the thought that I might soon be leaving this all behind. Until then, I will allow the city, New York, and all of its magical splendors, to permanently etch itself into my memories. After all, this is my city. And although it's given me tough love at times, it's still my home.

On the Mend

So, I didn't mean to scare everyone with my last depressing blog...just had to get a few things off my chest. I'm doing much better now. My sister moved in with us and she'll be here until almost Thanksgiving. She's been a big help and I certainly feel better about leaving Brody with her than leaving him with a stranger. I know Tyler feels a bit outnumbered (Brody only counts as 1/4) but hopefully he can make it through two more weeks with a couple of girly girls.

Fall is starting to kick into high gear here and I am so excited. I love when the weather changes. It means I can pull out all my cute fall clothes, curl up with a blankie and eat comfort food. Yum. My sister and I are taking a little road trip to Hartford, CT next month and I'm hoping the leaves will still be full of color for the drive.

I know this is all fluff, but at least I'm writing. I need some inspiration. Maybe this block will finally be lifted next month when I get to see Tori. Yippee. Me and my fellow M.I.L.F. Haha. I can say that because I'm finally starting to feel good about myself again. I'm just a few pounds shy of my pre-pregnancy weight and my sister has convinced me that I can wear skinny jeans (although I'm still a little skeptical). Worth a try though, because they will look hot with the slouch boots that I'm determined to buy.

Step by step.



This was step one.

Time to Regenerate

As with every good thing, this too would fade. Isn't that what you say all the time. It's only a matter of time. It's inevitable. I should have known, or seen or reacted sooner, but sometimes it's difficult to see the things right in front of your face. Maybe it's easier to accept things when you're staring 17 lbs. of pure love in the face. But, how many times will I be expected to forgive and forget. I have very little left to give and what little I have is reserved for the one person who I hold completely helpless in my arms. I can't forgive. Not today. And even if I could, wouldn't I have to repeat the process again tomorrow. I need more time than that to heal.

I don't doubt your capacity to love. I've witnessed this first hand. I do, however, doubt your capacity to love me. I mean the kind of love you are willing to sacrifice everything for. The kind of love that will stop you dead in your tracks. The kind of love you would protect with every fiber of your being. That's how I love. Shouldn't I therefore expect the same.

I'm tired.

My heart, marblized with scar tissue, needs to rest now. Even as I write these words I find myself drifting with an overwhelming need to curl up and close my eyes.

I need to hold Brody. I need my baby.