Tropopause: the great belt of calm air

After a break from everything, I'm back to report.

Despite the transit strike, I was able to make it to the Newark airport and was with my family by noon. The entire trip ended up being a recuperation vacation. I was quite ill for a majority of the time including Christmas Eve and Christmas. I was trying not to be a bummer or ruin anyone's Christmas, but I had no energy and wasn't my normal chipper self. It was an amazing Christmas though. My parent's spoiled all of us as usual and although my enthusiasm was subdued, I appreciate everything they gave me. My mom was especially sweet when she gave me her gift. She had taken all the diamonds from my Grandma's wedding ring and had necklaces made for me, my sister and herself. We all got a little teary-eyed and wished Grandma could have been there with us.

Tyler surprised me with a Christmas miracle...a new iPod to replace the stolen one. It is absolutely glorious, 30GB, video, color. It's a beautiful thing.

I don't have too much more to say about the vacation. I was a terrible, terrible friend and didn't feel well enough to call very many people. That's something I'll be doing in the next couple of days. For all my Jewish friends, I still have a couple of days to make it before the holiday is over.

Today was an adventure in the travel diary. We left Salt Lake at 11:45 pm and flew to Atlanta...2 hour layover...flew to Newark...2 hours of train rides home and walked in the door at 11:00 am. Not the most ideal but I was so happy to be home I didn't really care how long it took me to get there.

After chasing the moon across America several times over in the past two months I am ready to stay in one place for a while. I'm looking forward to a bit of routine and a normal schedule. I know I'll be cursing the fact that I just said that in about a week, but I can't very well get another acting job if I'm not even here to audition.

And that's the next chapter.

Carpool? Anyone? Hello?

Yep, it's true. I'm one of those poor fools who live in the city that thinks it's indestructible. Yet, when the subway lines are no longer available, all hell breaks loose, chaos ensues and millions of dollars (a sum I may never be familiar with) are lost. Not so much the 'greatest city in the world' or 'center of the universe' anymore. Hmmm.



The first day of the strike I was sick, hacking up a lung and such, and any attempt to get into the city was completely futile. With the contingency plan in place today I thought I'd brave it. I have to say I've never seen anything like it before, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Only about a two and a half hour commute into the city with all the waiting in lines for LIRR tickets and then a shuttle train that only comes every 20 minutes. I made some new friends and together we cursed all the illegitimate taxi services raking in the dough during the chaos (5 to a car, $20 a head and they make at least five trips in the morning commute).



I lucked out getting home because I left work early and just happened to catch a train that was leaving right away.



Now the trick will be getting to the Newark airport...from Queens...through Manhattan...to catch a plane at 7:00 am. Do you really think there are any car services available? Ha Ha Ha! That's funny.



I'm determined though! I will make it out of this city. I will catch my plane and I will be sipping my Dad's hot cocoa by noon, Salt Lake time.



To all my friends who are still having to deal with the mess here, my heart is with you. Stay warm and wear good walking shoes. I love you all and I'll see you before the New Year.

Topsy-turvy in a VapoRub Cloud

My body has finally forced me to slow down and take a day off. I'm sick at home and I can't even remember the last time I had a chance to sit and relax for a bit. I feel like I've been running ever since I got home from Mexico...actually, I've been running since October 1st.



Pause for sneeze...



So, to sum up the last few weeks all I've been doing is working and doing what ever I can to make extra money. Actually, my little alterations business is blowin' up. I started doing alterations and sewing projects for co-workers and now I find myself working on projects every week. Some days I make more sewing than I do schleping burgers.



Thanks to my amazing Dad and 100,000 of his frequent flyer miles Ty and I are spending Christmas together FAR FAR AWAY from New York. I cannot wait to get out of this city. I'm so tired of fighting just to make it through the day. I'm planning on writing a book...Encountering Assholes:101, A Practical Guide. It would include all my recent stories from a co-worker three times my size threatening me that "if I ever touch him again he will f*ing mess me up" to a 40 year old man practically pushing me to the ground and yelling at me to get a seat on the subway after I give my seat to a pregnant woman. Yep, I'm done fighting.



Two more days in Hell.



A little R&R is in sight. I'll come back healed by a cup of cocoa, a warm blankie, my family and everyone I love around me. That's what matters.

It's true...

I'm alive. And I just spent the last two hours writing about all my adventures only to lose the entire thing when I hit 'post'. That would happen the one time that I don't save my draft in Word.

I'm a little too upset to re-type everything right now and I may never have the energy again, but I'll try to include little snippets here and there.

I'm out.

Shopping for one

Today marked the last day of work for me until December 4th. Well aren't I the lucky one. Good thing too, after today's schedule I truly wanted to die. I had to be to work at 4:00 am, which meant I had to get up at 2:30 to leave by 3:00. You'd think I would have tried to go to bed at a decent hour. Alas, I tried, but it is next to impossible to try and sleep when you're not tired. So, I tossed and turned in my bed until 1:45. That was the last time I actually looked at the clock. Not sure if I even really got any sleep. If I did, it was about a half an hour. Then off to work to feed and entertain 300 teenagers. Yippee! Plus point - I was done with work and home before I usually have to leave to get there.

I AM SO ALONE! I think what really made it sink in was when I went shopping a couple of days ago and I bought all my sad little meals. I planned for a week and the total came to $28. Pathetic. My friends have all abandoned me too and I'm just tired of being the one to call. So, alone time it is. I only have to worry about it for a few more days. Next Tuesday I'm headed back to Arizona, then San Diego for the wedding and last (but certainly not least) Mexico for a 2 week cruise.

In the meantime I have a few more adventures to be had and I'm going to try and enjoy my freedom despite my lonliness and boredom.

Thank you to everyone who sent me song ideas. They were very helpful and I'm not worried anymore...mostly because I'm beyond caring at this point. You know, I'll sing whatever I want and they'll just have to be happy with whatever I choose.

In my head

In my life I have dreamed a thousand dreams of you
In my life somehow I believed, somehow I knew
In my life you would walk into it unexpectedly
In my life I knew you were meant for me
In my life I am lucky that I had the chance to find you,
To not have missed the dance
In my life one thing that I've always known was true
In my life there would be you


Take a chance, can it come this fast, can it be real?
For so long love was just the thing that others feel
In the night all the dreams I wish by day become undone
In my life can it be that you're the one
In my life I am lucky that I had the chance to find you
To not have missed the dance
In my life one thing that I've always known was true
In my life there would be you

In my life I am lucky that I had the chance to find you
To not have missed the dance
In my life one thing that I've always known was true
In my life there would be you
In my life there would be you

Aimee

I hurried to pack my bag as quickly as I could. I remembered everything: my toothbrush, nightgown, underwear and clothes for the next day and I couldn't forget a Barbie or My Little Pony (the newest one that I wanted to show off). Of course nothing would compare to the collection Aimee had, but none of that mattered. It was a brief escape from my life on Yale Avenue and all I wanted to do was play. My bag was always packed in secret, hidden in the car or disguised as a backpack filled with homework. Looking back, I'm sure my parents always knew but I appreciate them humoring a young girl with secret plans of grand adventures. Anytime I heard we would be making the drive to Provo, UT to visit my cousins this was the ritual. You see, Aimee and I were kindred spirits. We came into this word exactly five days apart. Her Mom was leaving the hospital just when mine was getting there. I didn't seem to matter that we seldom saw each other. When we were together we were the best of friends.



I drive was only around 45 minutes long, but to me it always seemed like an eternity. The car would pull up into the driveway and I would rush through the garage entrance to find my friend. Since every event at my cousin's house was a big family event there were always lots of kids rushing around the yard and through the house. The yard sat on a tall hill and was tiered with several levels. On each level we all seemed to find more and more adventures. The house was enormous, with so many hallways and bedrooms. I always seemed to get lost. There was a large playroom in the basement that seemed to be the central meeting spot for all of us. This was the pinnacle of all playrooms decked out with all the latest Atari video games, and you can be sure the air hockey table was always the biggest draw. I shared my time with all the other cousins and friends and quietly plotted my scheme. I had to wait for just the right time when my parents and my aunt and uncle were all together and we were just about to leave. Then I would hit them up with, "Since I never really get to see Aimee, would it be okay if maybe we have a sleepover sometime? Like...maybe tonight? You could maybe just come back and get me tomorrow?" This was always followed with, "but, what will you sleep in?" and "you don't have any of your...". Before they could even finish the sentence I was out to the car in a flash and back with my carefully packed little blue overnight suitcase.



I don't even remember how many times I pulled this little stunt. But it always worked and I always got to stay.



After everyone had left, including my family, it was just me and Aimee. We would have wonderful adventures. We played in her bedroom that reminded me of a fairy princess wonderland and she always took me to her own special play room. Her play room was like nothing I could have ever imagined. She had toys I never dreamed of having. So many things it seemed to me they were stacked to the ceiling and we had to dig sometimes to find what we were looking for. We always did special things like make no-bake cookies and roll them into letters or animals or unidentifiable blobs and then laugh hysterically.



I cherished these moments. Everything we did together was fun. That's how I thought of Aimee. Even as we grew older and we stopped having sleep over parties, I still regarded her as the one person in my life that really showed me how to play and have fun. I keep a special place in my heart for her, always.



Yesterday, I found out that Aimee is very sick. In fact she's dying, suffering from an eating disorder that has plagued her life since high school. Despite all the advice she receives from doctors and counselors she continues to damage her body. Due to the lack of necessary nutrients, her white blood cell count is progressively deteriorating. She will undergo treatments, similar to those cancer patients receive in hopes that her body will heal itself enough to slow the process, but it's not expected to happen. Eventually, her organs will fail and her body will shut down.



I haven't seen Aimee for years now and I don't know if she even remembers my visits the same way. But, I do love her and right now I would do anything to see her with that same vibrant glow that is permanently burned into my memory.



I love you Aimee and with all my faith you are in my prayers.



With Love,

Your Cousin Rochelle

Frisky...grrr

"In my next life
I'd like to be the tattoo on your shoulder,
the one you don't regret
when you get older."

The Lark is silenced once more

Bluish gray light passes through my windows allowing me to focus on my surroundings. I am once again caged in my NYC apartment. Silenced and unable to find my bearings I stumble to my feet. The air is cold and I wrap a sweater around me which doesn't much help. My sleep was restless last night, tossing and turning with a chasm of thoughts racing through my head, every noise startling me to an upright position. I pull the linens tightly around me sure that cotton and feathers will be the only protection I need. For hours there is nothing but silence and I eventually drift to sleep, lulled gently by the beating of my own heart.



Awake from my troubled sleep, I wander down the hall and past the kitchen cautiously as to not to disturb anyone, but of course there's no one there and I find myself completely alone. I long to hear a voice I recognize, but the hour is too early and all I can do is sit silently. Thoughts resonate louder than the traffic outside or the hissing of the radiator, "Please rescue me."

Flying back to the 212

All decked out with my new fall wardrobe I'm ready for whatever NYC can dish out. Besides, I only have to be there for a week and a half before I leave for two weeks on a cruise to Mexico. Rough life, I know...you're jealous.

I'll write more when I'm home.

Night Walker

Normal people. They have been described in so many ways and we all have our own ideas of what normal is. My idea of normal people is surrounding me at this very moment. I'm here in Arizona, Gilbert to be exact. It's a small suburb of the city. Everything is fairly new including the neighborhoods, shopping areas, freeways and roads, parks and eateries. People here keep regular hours. People wake up early, have breakfast, read the paper and go to work. The stores close early. There is a regular rush hour traffic which lasts about 3 hours after which time people return home to their families, eat dinner, maybe watch a little TV and then go to bed...around 10:00pm. Everyday here I see mothers taking their kids to various practices, lessons, etc. I see homes decorated for the season. People wave. Doors don't really need to be locked. In fact, you can take the dog around the block, watch the local kids at the skate park behind the house for a while, lie down under a grapefruit tree and contemplate life and not give a single thought to worrying about whether or not you even shut the door. Normal.

I feel like I may be the only person still awake. I am far from this kind of normal. I see all these things and wonder if all of these people are truly happy. Are they in some kind of special group that received the memo...you know, the one with instructions on how to have a happy and fulfilling life? Do they have it all figured out? Am I just fooling myself and on some kind of psycho mission to "make all my dreams come true". At this moment, I'm not sure I could say for certain what my dreams are anymore. So, you're probably reading this and thinking this chick is crazy. And, well, I won't contest it. I change my mind and have a different emotion every 15 minutes. Is this typical of someone nearing 30. I honestly thought I would have my life figured out by now. Somewhere I know I fit in to this intricately woven tapestry. Big city life, fast paced and scattered...small city with Halloween carnivals and perfectly convenient shopping centers. Will it even really matter where I live?

One day at a time is how I fear I may be living the rest of my life.

Melancholy effulgence

How many times can a heart be bruised before it no longer has the power to heal?

I want my own grapefruit tree

I have just returned from an inspiration-seeking walk through a palm tree lined park. This is after I attempted an inspiration seeking dip in the pool. I quickly decided there was only so much inspiration that would come from bobbing around in a cement hole filled with chlorinated water all by myself. So, I ventured out into the park, found a semi-shady spot and allowed the sun to penetrate through the rustling leaves creating a warm yellow leopard print all over my body. The gentle breeze and nearby birds sent me right into a peaceful trance. I reflected on my life to date. So many things have happened in the last year and I can hardly take it in. Although I still want more for my life and my future, I have so many things to be grateful for. Now, if I can only keep that feeling with me when I make my way back to the gray skies of NYC, I'll be fine. Maybe I won't stay inside all day. Maybe I won't feel tired all the time. Maybe I will be inspired to finally make the music I want to make and fulfill my dream of stepping on a stage in NYC to a crowd of people who just paid $100 for their seats to see me.

Here's the plan...

~ Stay at HRC until after the showcase for World Hunger Year - which, by the way, I will be singing with the house band, dancing (killer pop 'n lock routine - lol) and acting in comedy sketches - I'll fill you all in on how to get tickets when I find out myself

~ Audition full-time until someone...ANYONE...gives me a damn job

~ Take more lessons: Singing, dance and maybe an acting class or two

~ I will have a job before my birthday in February.



So, that's the plan. And I thank the citrus trees for helping me figure it all out.

Wanna hear something gross

I was putting on my shoes at work (you know is has to be good with a beginning like that)...anyway, I flipped my thumbnail back pretty much all the way and blood started gushing everywhere. Leave it to me to have an accident so stupid doing something so routine. I will live. Sadly, my nail will not. I have to wait for it to grow out all the way. It's all purple right now and it kinda hurts. I have it all bandaged up and I have to wear one of those itty bitty condoms at work. *chuckle* Itty bitty kitty condoms...you know, to protect your pussy. *chuckle* Okay, it was bad.

...........fingers tapping on keyboard..........thinking, thinking

Oh, so I tomorrow is my last day of work before I head to Arizona. I can't wait for the vacation. I plan to do nothing but relax by the pool and shop. Ty's mom likes to shop and I don't mind giving her a reason. Why not reap the benefits? Don't worry, I don't let her go too overboard because after a while it makes me feel uncomfortable. I love her though, and she's so sweet to everyone. Can't wait to see all the fam there.

Well, that about wraps it up for today. Maybe I'll find some inspiration tomorrow.

..................................

I need a blog slump buster.

The sun is on my neck

the wind is in my face

the sky is incredibly blue



I traded away my shift today and took the day off. Perfect timing since the heavens decided to finally shut down the water main.

My dear, sweet little friend Angie and I spent the day together in Union Square. We wandered around the Farmer's Market and meandered through the art street vendors, filled our bellies with delicious noodles at Republic and shopped our little hearts out all around the area. Sadly, no shoes were singing to me today and I couldn't justify buying a pair just for the hell of it. But my shopping experience wasn't entirely a bust. A new top and bracelet found their way home with me and are adapting very nicely.

To finish out my perfect day I'm going to finish watching all my zombie movies (I LOVE OCTOBER) while I do lunges, push-ups and about a million crunches. A week by the pool in Arizona and a two week cruise to Mexico are creeping up faster than I thought and my body must be bikini ready.

The break from my loneliness couldn't have come at a better time and I feel so refreshed and energized. I love my friends and everything they do for me. I couldn't survive without them.

Side note after talking to my mom...

I can't get my sister out of my head. I worry about her all the time and I hope she knows how much I love her.

Christel, you should have just stayed in NY with me.

"bang, bang, I am the warrior"

So, I'm not sure I like this whole "choose your top 8" thing. I fear it could cause unnecessary drama. I do see the convenience...but is it worth it? Do I risk adding certain friends to my top 8 and hurting someone's feelings or should I take the alternative route for the sake of my lazy ass that's just too tired of clicking to the next page? Hmmm...

I'll revisit this later when I attempt to select the top 8 yet again.


I was planning on going out with friends tonight, but we all decided collectively not to brave the rain and stay in. That's fine, I have pumpkin pie and chai tea that is sure to make my evening 'in' quite cosy. I am tired of the rain. It's been pouring for eight straight days. That's over a week that I haven't even seen the sun.

New York + No Sun + Subway + Work = Disgruntled New Yorker * 10

I'm going to Arizona next week. I can't handle work, or rain, or New York anymore this month.


On Wednesday I served a 'dinner for five' thing for VH1. I was the server for a Thanksgiving feast for Dee Snider from Twisted Sister, Patty Smythe, Clarence Clemons from the E Street Band, Chris Barron from the Spin Doctors and Wonder Mike from the Sugar Hill Gang. I was on quite a bit and the show will air on Thanksgiving. So, that is that.



I'm wrapping this up so I can go watch my ppv movie...

"You and Me and Everyone We Know"

It just started playing today after I had a conversation about it yesterday...weird.

I'm all alone

...and it's silent. Excruciating, really.

What do I do with my new found freedom?

Synonyms for excruciating:

agonizing
consuming
exquisite
extreme
grueling
harrowing
insufferable
intense
severe
tormenting
torturous
unbearable
unendurable

Okay, it has not yet reached this intensity, but I thought I'd gear up my vocabulary.

The apartment has never been this clean.

And I'm feeling something strange yet somewhat familiar. I find myself honing skills I never thought possible. I dare not even venture to say it, but I feel...

...domestic.

I've always been creative and crafty, but this is something entirely different. This is what mothers become, and grandmothers, and housewifes and homemakers.

I'm going to watch mindless TV now.

Rochie's cell phone...may she rest in peace.

My shitty cell phone has finally bit the dust. Now I have to go work the system and see if I can get a new one...a cool one...without having to pay for it. Hmmm, "feminine wiles, let's get to work" (and hope that the sales rep is a straight male).

One of my best friends here in NY is leaving to go on a children's tour called Jack Sprat: The Lowfat Tour. She has a solo song all about fiber. I laughed my ass off when she sang it for me. Slim Goodbody better watch out. Yes, although it's a children's tour, I'm still jealous. I'm happy for her at the same time but I do wish it was me.

My brother-in-law, Josh, is getting married. I just found out tonight. His wedding will be on December 17th. That means yet another plane ticket to pay for. I'm sure I have a free flight coming soon.

I just typed a novel about being alone in NYC and my sister coming to visit and lost it all. AAAAHHHH!!!

I don't really feel like typing that all over again so I'm moving on. I'll write about it again later.

I'm feeling musically inspired and I'm going to pull out the guitar to practice a little. I have to gear up for the Hard Rock talent show which I have been recruited to participate in. I'll be in 'the band', playing the guitar and singing. We are doing covers of pop songs in the style of the Ramones. It'll be pretty fun. I kind of would rather play the bass because I think chick bass players are hot, but alas the bass is in Utah with my little bro.

More random thoughts...

The bed broke the other night, yep, the frame boards just snapped. While I may be domestically disabled at homemaking rituals, I weild a mean power tool. So I pulled out the drill, did a little drillin' and then a little screwin' and fixed the bed. Yeah...I know...right up there with playing the bass. Just wait till you see me weld...torch in hand, leather chaps, helmet...alright, I'll stop there.

I have the next two days off work. Plenty of time to practice and catch up with friends and family that haven't heard from me for a while.

Out.

Saint without a halo

I audition tomorrow for a cruise line. Cheesy, I know, but the pay is amazing and hey, I'd be singing and dancing.

I've been thinking about my grandparents a lot lately and all the things they've taught me. It's amazing how all of their little life lessons apply when you least expect it.




"Goodness is rewarded."
"Hope is guaranteed."
"Laughter builds strong bones."
"Right will intercede."

Things you've said I often find I need.
I see the world through your eyes.
What's black and white is colorized.
The knowledge you most dearly prized I'm eager to employ.
You said that LIFE has INFINITE JOY.

Your heart, your glee haunt me.
Your words strike suddenly.
They're obvious, but wise.

I see the world through eyes and possibilities expand.
The one thing I don't understand is how you kept your poise,
when life has infinite joys.

"Life has infinite joys."

Your face.
Your voice.
Rejoice.
To have you back with me is such a fine surprise.

I see the world through your eyes.
I taste lemon on my lips.
I marvel at the sailing ships of well dressed girls and boys.
And life...life has infinite joys.
Infinite.

It's almost been a year since I lost her.

Handed to me on a Silver Platter

I'm not happy at my job. The hours are terrible, the business is slow and I'm not making any money. So, tell me this...why, when an incredible job is placed right in my hands, didn't I accept?



My friend Derek was working for a high end fine dining restaurant and moved just two days ago. He recommended me to take his place, which is the only way you can get a job there, and I had the job five minutes into my interview. Too good to be true was my initial reaction. The pay is incredible. Most of the guests are celebrities or those who are wealthier than celebrities. The hours would be much more reasonable and the staff is only about 12. Under my excitement all I could feel was this heavy weight and I turned it down. The more Derek told me about the job, the more I realized that this would be ideal if I wanted to be a professional server. That's not what I uprooted myself and changed my entire life to do.



I'll have to endure Hard Rock for a little while longer. I do have one thing to look forward to next week. The grand opening party for HRC is on the 17th and I'll be working. Velvet Revolver is playing and "that's pretty cool I guess". I don't have too much more to say. Lately my blogs have been less than inspiring and lacking in creativity. Maybe it's a reflection of how quickly I've allowed boredom and complacency to take over.



I need to hear some words of inspiration and encouragement...mostly from myself.

Shit I'm bored

What I should be doing:

- Filling out my application for a work scholarship at New Dance Group

- Organizing the apartment

- Washing dishes

- Finishing alterations on co-worker's uniforms to make extra cash

- Laundry

- Inventing something completely unnecesary but totally cool that everyone will want to buy



What I am doing:

- Watching On Demand episodes of Sex and the City

WHERE'S MY MOTIVATION!!!

Am I depressed? Is this what that feels like? Or, am I just a procrastinator? I've never been this unmotivated. In fact, I've always been an overachiever, always one step ahead.

Is it this city, this life? Would I be happy living in a place where I could find a job I could stand, pay off my bills, buy a house and become a mother with a comfortable clean home? I don't know. I remember being on a similar path and I wanted more. I was driven and ended up here to 'make it'. Whatever that means. Well, success is measured in many different ways. Somehow, I don't feel that conquering NYC will be the measure of my success. There's much more planned for me.

Now, I will finish that application and do the dishes. Two out of six, not a bad start.

Currently watching Snowriders...miss home

Finally, a break from the heat. I took a long walk today and it wasn't unbearably hot. It's the first day in weeks that I've been able to leave the house without instantly melting. There was a slight breeze and the sun actually felt great on my shoulders. I found a little market and bought a skirt, that I love, for $12. Can't beat that. I was pretty lazy today and can't say that I really accomplished much, but I think it's necessary at times to just be and have absolutely no agenda or obligations. Since I've been out of the habit of blogging on a regular basis I thought I'd take some time and expatiate on the mundane and ordinary details of my life.


After my walk I came home and made a delightful little lunch, mushroom tortellini in marinara, and watched a movie, Rory O'Shea Was Here. Now I want to travel to Ireland. I want to hear all the little old ladies say fuck as a common word in their daily vocabulary...it makes me chuckle.



I cleaned a little and made the apartment feel a bit cozier. I applied for yet another forbearance on my student loans and hope they'll give me six more months to get my shit together. I paid some bills and did some laundry. I guess my day was more eventful than I thought. In all my down time and in-between time, I just daydreamed and let my mind wander. I'm actually glad I'm able to still do this. So many people lose this ability or push it aside when they enter the realm of adulthood. I never want to lose it. So, I live in a dreamworld and I'm the eternal optimist. I just see my reality with more imagination.



Instead of imagination being treated as a pejorative

think about it...



We get told all the time to stop daydreaming!

We get told all the time it's only our imagination running wild!

It's one thing to be incapable of dealing with truth and another thing to have lost your ability to imagine!



Read more: http://www.myspace.com/RochieB/blog?page=11#ixzz0vU5oYO32

Let the job hunt begin

I've decided I can no longer stay at Hard Rock. It's all too corporate for me now, I'm not making any money and it's proven to be an unsafe work environment what with the lockers being in a shared hallway where crazy people can come harrass you when you're done with your shift. I'm too unhappy there and it's really not worth my time and energy anymore. All of my friends have left or are leaving soon and there really isn't a reason for me to stay. Back to searching for a job. I hate starting new jobs, but I don't see any other option right now.

Today I met up with my friend Kim and vented and she gave me a bunch of encouragement. She also bought me dinner and a pair of shoes. I love my friends. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Short and sweet today. Six Feet Under is about to start and it's the last episode...yeah, can't wait.

~Ro

REJECTED!!!

Long story short.

Found out about a fabulous audition...perfect for me.

Had a good feeling...worked once before.

Practiced.

Prepared.

Woke up at 6:00am to be there at 7:00 to sign up and wait in line for the audition to open at 10:00...number 23 on the list of over 200.

Ready to perform and kick some serious ass.

Pussy-ass monitor and producer decide to type cast.

Stood in a line and was CAST OUT before I could even sing...BITCHES!!!

Their loss...I incorporated a 'spread eagle' that was sure to be a crowd pleaser.

The only positive about the experience was that I ran into some friends from tour who were not kept either and we were able to have breakfast and do a bit of catching up. I love you Jenny, Sarah and Chris.

Took out all my aggression at body conditioning class and I'm paying dearly for it. I can't move my arms and I'm a gimp going down stairs.

On my way home my friend Amanda called me all stressed. She nearly burned down her kitchen and was in a frenzie trying to prepare for her husband's surprise birthday party. Rochelle, the domestically disabled, to the rescue. I don't know what came over me. I turned that kitchen into my bitch, making little party sandwiches, english muffin pizzas, deviled eggs, slicing watermelon (with no injuries), cupcakes...a serious spread. It should have been documented because I don't think Tyler will ever see such a thing again. At least, not for a very long time. The party was a hit and I saved the day. Yea..go me!

Tomorrow is my 10 year high school reunion. I hope they all enjoy comparing how many kids they have now and when their houses will be done with contruction in Herriman. As my Granny would have said, "To each his own." Wise words and that's about all I have to say regarding that subject for now.

"I wanna drink goat's blood."

"But son, it's only Tuesday."

That's for C$ and the ShizNick.

Changes on the horizon

I think the heat here is boiling my brain cells. I have no inspiration or ability to sit down and actually put my thoughts into words. So many strange things are happening right now as well. I feel like we were all warped into an alternate universe. If things were going well for people they suddenly have turned terribly wrong and vice versa.



Despite the heat I trudged around Manhattan today and did a little shopping. I tried on a bunch of fancy cocktail dresses I would never wear or buy for that matter. To be honest I have no idea why I was doing it. I guess I just like to put on a pretty dress and then I feel pretty too, even if it is for only a few moments. I may go back and get one of them. It was several shades of blue and green, very flowy and beaded on the bodice. I can't stop thinking about it. I'll find a place to wear it.



Changes...let's talk about that. Tyler has an opportunity to advance his career and make some contacts in MLB. He'll be living in Arizona for almost a couple months starting in October scoring some games live. It's very exciting for him and he's thrilled to be out of NYC. Unfortunately for me, I'll be alone during that time. I guess I'm just getting a taste of what it was like for him. I left him for seven months while I was on tour.



If things go well for Ty in Phoenix who knows what will happen. We may be moving. That actually wouldn't be so bad. Although I love NY and I really want to keep trying for a show, I know I'd be happy in Arizona. It's close to my family and Ty's family (they have a house there) and it's near the West coast...the best coast. I'll still be able to do regional theatre and record. Either of which will fulfill the need and desire to perform. I eventually would love to teach and maybe start my own theatre school/company.



I've been evaluating my work situation. I'm not too sure about working for Hard Rock anymore. The cafe moved to Times Square and it's beautiful and new and still has a ton of problems. Only now, they're on a much bigger scale. Plus the hours are kind of a drag. I do love my new little cocktail waitress uniform, but that doesn't really make up for the fact that there is no place for me to change into it at work. There aren't enough lockers either. They put the few lockers they do have in a shared hallway in the basement with several other businesses. It's a public area and the first day when I arrived there was a drunk guy passes out lying next to the lockers. That's really safe. When I brought it up during one of our shift meetings, the managers said to come already dressed. Even more dangerous. Going to work in my little uniform and walking to the subway in the middle of the night just flashes neon lights that say RAPE ME, KILL ME and STEAL ALL MY MONEY because I'm a waitress at the HRC and I carry large amounts of cash. I'm just livid about the situation and the nonchalant attitude the managers have about our welfare and safety.

I'm done.

I'm ready for the next phase of my life.

For all my friends that are going through hard times, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always and if there is anything I can do please let me know. I love you all.

Dream Big and Believe Impossible Things

'I can't believe that!' said Alice.
'Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. 'Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.'
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said: 'one can't believe impossible things.'
'I dare say you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as may as six impossible things before breakfast."

Happy Birthday Mom

Wish I was home to tell you myself.

One more week until Hard Rock moves to Times Square. I had to come home early from today because of a migraine. I rarely get them, but when I do they kick my ass. I lose my eye sight for about an hour, then my head feels like it's going to explode or implode. Both of which are below average feelings. I get nausiated and when the headache finally passes I'm light headed for the rest of the day. I think it's my body screaming for me to relax. I've been so stressed out lately and losing hope on finding a job.

Yesterday I went to an audition that I thought would really pay off. It was for the NY Musical Theatre festival and 32 shows were being cast (or so I thought). It was quite possibly the biggest cattle call I've been to. The audition started at 10 am so I got there early at 8. Well, I was already number 110. By the time they opened the doors there were almost 400 people waiting to be seen. I wasn't even seen until 2:30 pm. It was unbelievably hot. I was drenched, tired and irritated by all the theatre freaks that were surrounding me. By the time I was able to audition I couldn't concentrate and truly didn't do my best. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Tomorrow I sing at an open mic night in the city. Two songs. I'm scared as hell, but excited at the same time. It's something.

Maybe I'll meet some musicians who want to start a little band. Small dream of mine that has yet to be realized.

I'm getting a little dizzy so that's all for now.

~Ro

Missing...everything and everyone

My brother sent me the pictures we took on our little camping/hiking adventure to Moss Ledge when I was in Utah. It was so beautiful on the drive up the canyon I almost cried and when I got the pictures today I did cry.

Yesterday, when I needed a friend, nobody was available. They were all working, had other plans or just didn't answer the phone. I was forced to create some quality alone time which usually ends up with me either being psycho creative or wallowing in self pity. I admit, I wallowed a bit and watched 3 movies in a row while drinking chai tea and eating a brownie from Fat Witch Fudge Co. Productive, huh?

I have the day off tomorrow and my plan is to get my ass in gear and line up auditions for the week. MUST FIND WORK OR DIE!

Aftermath

My entire body is still sore after taking a dance class on Friday. It was a ballet/jazz body conditioning class that kicked my ass. The lady who teaches it is an old ballet diva along with everyone else in the class. I was feeling pretty confident I could keep up seeing as though I'm in my late 20's and the rest of these ladies were in their late 60's. HUMBLED was I. These ladies put me to shame. I can only hope to be in that kind of shape when I'm their age. If I keep this up though I'll be ripped and more flexible in no time...provided I can make it through the recovery period. My next class is on Wednesday.

A rush of creativity poured over me today and I had the idea to turn one of my sarongs into a pair of pants. Just a fold or two, a few cuts and the with the help of my sewing machine I figured it out. They look like my goucho pants, kind of like a skirt, but not. Yeah, I'm very pleased. Actually, I think I could sell them. You know, put a little table up in Times Square. I'd make a fortune! Now, I just have to figure out how to make them faster.

Okay, short update and now I'm back to my movie marathon.

Ballerina Dreams and NASA

After my brief hiatus from Myspace I have returned to finish what I began, the retrospect into my youth.



I know I wasn’t the only kid to have a difficult childhood and my struggles pale in comparison to what others have had to go through. I am grateful for every aspect of my life and the love I feel from my family members who supported me every step of the way. I experienced a moment of weakness and allowed my insecurities to take over. I’ve since been focusing on those things in my life that allowed me to overcome. “So what” if I was the last picked for teams, if I was invited to parties as a practical joke, if being my friend for a week was a dare. I’m alive and I have too many other things to be grateful for than to allow such trivial incidents to rule my thoughts and behavior. As I look back on my life, I wanted what every other kid wanted…to fit in, to feel loved and accepted by my peers. I can’t help that I was just a little weird and misunderstood. Now that I’ve reached that frightening uncharted territory of adulthood I find myself navigating as if I know where I’m going. In reality, I’m still a scared little kid most of the time, safe in the frame and secure shell I’ve created.



I think more than fitting in, I wanted to make a difference. I know it sounds trite, but I always felt I had something special to offer the world. I wanted to make a mark and was convinced that my life had some kind of global significance. But, when I’m 35,000 ft and holding I realize that I’m just a tiny speck, moving, changing, thinking and evolving just like everyone else. It’s times like these I discover the smallest marks may have the most meaningful impact. My tiny dent in the universe, even if it impacts only one person, means that I have truly succeeded. I still feel as though I have something more to offer. I don’t imagine it being on a grand scale, but my dreams and potential have yet to be fully realized.



Ten years have passed since I graduated high school and I’m not quite sure why I remain in this limbo, tethered somewhere between uncertainty and the well-known path I could easily choose and settle into. I think my inability to settle for mediocrity stems from my unusual childhood. I wonder if other nerds experience this mental conflict. When I was young, with the help of my yuppie parents, I enrolled in every class imaginable trying to find my ‘gift’ that would set me apart. Neither them, nor I, anticipated my thirst for knowledge. My desire to succeed in everything placed in my path left me with too many options and confused as to what I should pursue. I loved music, so I learned to play the piano. Lessons began when I was five. Nothing was more beautiful to me than a ballerina. If I could dance like that I could change the world…dance classes shortly followed. My natural knack for wielding a paintbrush led to art classes. Those began as soon as I could hold a pencil and continue to this day. Dreams of being a fashion designer led to sewing class. Archeology to study the dinosaurs. Astronomy to study the stars. I was the only little girl I knew who had a NASA shrine next to her My Little Pony collection. Creative writing, Biology, Physiology, Psychology, Human Development…you name it, I studied it. After taking that journey backwards into my life, I can only wonder in bewilderment why I’m currently waiting tables at a corporate café and schlepping burgers to groups of boy scouts when I should be working on my Doctorate. When did I lose that drive? The interest and desire is still there but somehow I lack the initiative. I guess this is what happens when the realities of life take over. Money has more to do with it than I would like to admit. Commitments and sacrifice have also been factors. I must not have the passion for any of those things I was able to excel in. I really have only one passion and that centers around music and the performing arts. That’s the only thing now that feeds my thirst. If only I didn’t pick such a volatile occupation to pursue, one which could ultimately disappoint. The truth is, I don’t have to be on Broadway. I would be happy doing community theatre in Small Town, USA. But, I will never be satisfied until I try. So here I am, working my way up to 30 and still unsure of my future. But what fun would my life be if I was sure. I would rather live a grand adventure than know what each day held for me, and I still dream of being a ballerina and walking on the moon.

Retrospect

Yesterday I spent hours sorting through a giant box my Mom labeled "Rochelle". Me in a box. There was everything in there from the time I was born until today. I found my hospital bracelet, my first haircut, every report card, schoolwork, playbills...everything. I found myself drowning in a sea of memories good and bad. It was difficult to see everything I've done in my life and wonder if it's really made a difference. My Mom kept everything from old art projects to teacher evaluations. All of which were interesting to read and followed the same pattern. I shuffled through award after award...science, literature, art, creative writing. Graduated with high honors from every school level. Honors at entrance scholarships. Even from the time I was in the 4th grade. I found some national writing evaluation when I was 10 and it sounded like something I'd get from a college professor.

It also brought back all of my self-esteem issues. Immediately after preschool I turned into the proverbial ugly duckling, a phase I feel I am still transforming from. Whether or not I turn into a swan remains to be seen. I don't think I really want to be a swan, maybe something more attainable and unconventional. Although I grew up in a very loving home I lived a cruel childhood. Constantly ridiculed and center of everyone's jokes. So I wasn't a Barbie doll...not even close. But I always had feelings and I can't believe how those feelings can surface after being suppressed for so many years. I laughed with my Mom when we were going through all my old pictures. "How could you let me leave the house looking like this?" She said, "I thought you looked cute." Maybe I did, but only to a mother. Why can't I heal these wounds? Why can't I get past the memories? I haven't felt this insecure for a very long time.

I have to stop now.

To be continued...

Editor's Note, i don't need to say much other than to post these pics of my gorgeous wife; someone tell my wife she's fucking hot now, COME ON!

Home Sweet Home

It's quiet and I'm completely relaxed. No work, no city, no commute, no noise...peace. I surprised my Mom this morning by taking a little vacation home to Salt Lake. Dad helped me plan and picked me up from the airport. I slept in the basement on the sofa completely unbeknownst to my sweet mom sleeping upstairs. She figured it out pretty quickly this morning when she saw the not-so-hidden suitcase in my sister’s room. She bounded downstairs saying, “Where is she! Where’s my daughter!” It was a very happy moment and I was so glad to be there.



Sleeping alone downstairs was a little difficult for me. I had a flood of memories and was so overwhelmed the tears just started streaming. Although I felt safe and comfortable, I still felt a little out of place, like I really didn’t belong there anymore. And then I felt like I really didn’t belong anywhere. I hope to find some clarity this week and stable ground for my life as I keep moving forward.

I’ll write about all of my adventures tomorrow. Tonight I’m exhausted and I can’t seem to organize my thoughts.

The crickets are singing me a lullaby and it's the first time in weeks I've felt like going to sleep before 3:00. Is this home?

How do I give that service with a smile?

Last night marked the first meeting for my new support and networking group, Falcone and Associates. Together we are a group of unemployed actors who are helping each other any way we can to find work. The evening was hosted by, none other than, Toni Dolce. She went all out and made dinner, fresh pesto pasta with hors d'oeuvres, wine (sparkling water for me) and strawberry shortcake for dessert. Yum. So, we ended up doing a lot of eating before we actually got to business. The meeting proved a success for all of us and we set reasonable goals to achieve for the following week. All of them were geared toward helping us market ourselves, further our education on our craft and seek out representation for better audition opportunities. I think my favorite comment for the evening was from Tom who mentioned we all have jobs right now that are not helping in our careers and to remedy this way of thinking we have to look at it as though we are the company. His thought was that we don't have jobs, we are the company and we are contracting out our time in order to make money to pay bills and further our careers as actors. Way to go Tom.



That got me to thinking about how much time I've invested into Hard Rock lately. I seem to be almost living there, which it the last thing I wanted when I returned from tour. Now, I'm a trainer there, I'm on committees and boards and it feels as though there is no end in sight. On top of that I'm really frustrated with a few people there who make my life less than bearable.



"So I want to kill this waitress. She's worked here a year, longer than I. If I did it fast...you know, that's an act of kindness. BUT I BELIEVE IN PEACE...BITCH"



Hard Rock is in the process of moving to Times Square...a major feat. I'm not thrilled with the move. It will mean more tourists, more foreigners and less tips in my pockets. On top of that it will be crowded and I'll never get a moment to breathe. I'm thinking my contract may be for a shortened period of time. We'll see how it goes and whether or not I'll be able to schlep burgers and fries all day and still have a smile on my face.



Bet'cha your life a waitress earns her pay!

A Heart Full of Love

No matter how much love I give away, I always seem to have an abundant supply ready for the next needy soul. A constant outpouring of love...for my family and my friends and anyone else who comes to me with an outstretched hand. However, I fear that with every revitalizing moment I give to someone else a small piece of me withers and dies unless I receive love in return. For most of the people in my life this is not a problem, I give and receive in harmony. A wheel that keeps running with almost involuntary action. Then there are those that I reach out to and receive nothing in return. What is to become of me if I continue on this path? Do I choose to stop giving, or do I keep giving in hopes that one day the pay off will be so magnificent that the sacrifice is worth the wait. Being the eternal optimist, my instinct is to keep trying, to keep giving and loving and never give up. Is this an unrealistic point of view? Am I only a dreamer. Maybe so. But I would rather live in a blissful dream world of hope than fall into a world of apathy and complacency.



My body may wither and die, I may become frail, but my heart will never be lacking for love and I'll continue to give it freely. Maybe one day, it's worth will be revealed and those who have squandered it or threw it by the wayside will cherish it and give love in return.

Remaining Hopeful

Now starring...TONI DOLCE

"Mommy...dere's a porcupine in my froat"



I've had absolutely no voice for the last two days. I'm on complete vocal rest today which means not one peep from me. I'm drugged up with cough medicine and feeling quite dizzy even just sitting here. I always have this fear every time I get sick like this that I might lose my voice forever. I think that may be my biggest fear...not being able to sing. It's my life force. But I just say to myself, "Self, get a hold now. You're not dying and you'll get your voice back SO RELAX ALREADY!" My Gramps always used to say "chin up, buck-a-roo" to cheer me up. I liked that and it made me laugh when I thought of it just now.



I was planning on going to church today. It feels like I haven't been forever and I really just wanted to go and listen and enjoy. After taking my cough medicine though, I slept right through it. I guess there are times when your body kicks you in the ass and let's you know when you need to just rest and take care of yourself.



Last night I had the privilege of going to the birthday party for the great Toni Dolce. She's a friend of mine from college and the craziest narcissistic person I’ve ever met. I love her though. She rented out the second floor of Tonic, the bar where she works and invited hundreds of her closest friends and family. There was a guest book, a cake with a picture of herself painted on it, a PowerPoint presentation of Toni Trivia projected on a big screen, and a special guest performance TBA…Toni Dolce. She entertained us with two songs and thanked us for coming to celebrate in her words, “well, ME!” Ah, I love this girl. There’s just nobody quite like her. But, she’s truly sincere and she’s been a great friend. She’s driven and I know she will accomplish anything she puts her mind to. We lunch on Wednesday…it’s already in her Blackberry…and I can’t wait to talk to her one on one when she’s not trying to be the socialite.



I’m kind of spinning now, so this is it for today. Back to my healing process of veggin’ out.



Day’s off RULE!

Yin Yang day

I go from having days off and doing absolutely nothing to completely filling them. Today is a prime example...

~ Wake up at 5:00 and rush to work to cater a breakfast...no fun.
~ Come home and go with Tyler to see the new zombie movie, Land of the Dead
~ Lunch, get ready for the evening
~ Head back to the city to see the Get Up Kids - 1st concert for the night
~ Leave Get Up Kids early and rush to see Alkaline Trio
~ Long trek home on the subway

I wonder when I'll have a normal day. It always seems to be one extreme or the other. I'm better with the busy days. Keeps me happy. I guess I work better under pressure...I always have.

School loans suck

I've been sick the last two days and in a vegitative state. So, I've either been in and out of consiousness on the couch or at the computer. Not very productive. Thank heaven for food delivery. Actually you can get anything delivered around here. There's really no need to leave the home anymore.

That's probably how I got sick in the first place. I was next to some guy on the subway coughing up a lung and I'm putting the blame on him...bastard.

Oh, I have to give credit for the pictures I used in the last two blogs. They are from the collection of the escapeartist. She is an amazing writer and creative force. If you get a chance, check her out. I promise you'll be moved.

For myself...

At times we all feel like we're falling. Spiraling down and everything we know turns to wax and crumbles to pieces. It's during those times that we learn exactly what we're made of. Are we strong? Can we withstand the fall? Will there be someone there to catch us?





When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try and fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try and fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all of my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.


I've learned my lessons well. I'll never stop trying and I'll never stop searching and discovering. If I fall, I know there will be someone there to catch me. Despite his flaws, he's there when it matters most. When I need comfort with warmth that consumes me to the core. A gentle hand placed on my head with tenderness that transcends a mortal love and becomes eternal. That was my choice. He is the one I love and pieces of his presence trickle through from time to time. If distractions from this world and detours have taken me away from that love, then I must make my way back to my chosen path.



If I fall...I will be rescued.





If you fall...I'll be there.

Teach me to be more adaptive

After feeling complete emptiness for the past few days, today I feel happy and peaceful.

I'm making new beginnings and starting fresh. I'm content where I stand and feel very blessed to be living the life I am today. I'm feeling such love for Ty, and my family and my friends. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate them. Ty, I know this hasn't been our ideal life, but we're headed in the right direction. We can make those steps together, we're a team, remember. We can't just keep drifting through life, we've got to get our shit together and do what we love. We have to love and support each other no matter what. We owe that to little Bud...haha.

To my family, I love you and miss you and I'll see you soon. Better get the burb ready and all the camping gear because I'm hittin' the mountains whether you come with me or not. Maybe we could take a couple days and go to Jackson Hole and stay at the cabin...yes???

To all my friends, old and new. I mean all the things I say when I tell you how much you've affected and changed my life. You help me discover my limitations as well as the infinite posibilities that stand before me. I wish for all of you peace and happiness in all the new paths you take. I say this with complete sincerity and love. Thank you.

Now, I'm feeling the need to actually get up and do something. I've been recouping for the past few days and haven't had any energy to move. I'm feeling envigorated and ready to take on the day.

Broken wing healed and I'm ready to fly...

Jumped to conclusions

I have unleashed the Poet, the wanton lust goddess of elaborately woven together words and phrases. She has chaotically smashed open Pandora’s Box and set in motion an irreversible chain of events. She is brazenly honest revealing those hidden secrets promised never to disclose. Without a thought of possible repercussions she carelessly exposed the veiled song of the Lark.



The Poet speaks from the heart, not the head. Her prose transforms through truthfulness innocent words and combines them to wield great power. This power, although intended for good may have been misinterpreted as malevolence.



The Poet set the Lark free, yet her song was sung too hastily and she has retreated.



The Lark is caged and silenced.



Humbled.

Let me sing...

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubliate,
Sitting in cages,
Never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits,
Beckoning, beckoning,
Just beyond the Bars.
How can you remain,
Staring at the rain,
Maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing anything?
How is it you sing?

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale,blackbird,
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?
Are you discussing or fussing
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you Screaming?

Ringdove and robinet,
Is it for wages,
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided its
Safer in cages,
Singing when youre told?

My cage has many rooms,
Damask and dark.
Nothing there sings,
Not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
When theyre captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Let me sing.

Just because it's June

"June is bustin' out all over" Yeah, only theatre nerds will get that one.

"Hey Lamb Chop"...or could we venture to say Veal Cutlet, Sparerib, Tenderloin...

In any case, that's what I was last night, a piece of meat. It was the last night of Fleet Week in NYC and there was a special rock concert at HRC. There I was, in my tiny little uniform, on display for all the sailors and Marines. Granted, some of them were pretty to look at and I was not above flirting for tips. But if one more of them looked me up and down, nodded, winked and said, "What time do you get off?" I think I may have punched him in the nose. But I just smiled and tried to come up with as many witty replies as I could, "Oh, Hooters is one block down" was my fav. Exhausting. The band was good, all cover tunes, but very entertaining. I definitely got my exercise cuttin' it up on the dance floor.

All I can say is auditions are picking up and I am praying that one works out. Last June is when I was cast in Whorehouse, so I'm keeping positive.

Among other things that are butstin' out, how 'bout my Lil' Sis. She's entered a contest to become the next poster girl for a novelty store in SLC, the Blue Boutique. I'm all for it. She's a definite hottie and deserves to win. Could anyone disagree?

Good morning sunshine

The sun and heat have arrived. Just like that, the weather is warm. It's been so rainy and cold here I thought spring would never happen.

It's my day off today and I am doing my favorite warm weather activity...absolutely nothing. I went to breakfast this morning, yummy french toast, eggs and bacon. Holla for challah. Okay, that was dumb. It's so beautiful today that I couldn't stay inside. I went for a long walk around my neighborhood and to a park by my apartment. You can sit there forever just people watching. A group of little old men are always there playing chess and I was observing them. It makes me wonder what I'll be doing when I'm that old. Hopefully I'll have a hobby or past-time that gets me out of the house. While I was watching them, the strangest thing happened. Somebody, don't know if it was male or female, ran past in a ninja suit. Yep, NINJA, stealth. It was so bizarre and I had to call my friend April right away and tell her...I took it as a sign.

It was one year ago today that I graduated from AMDA. I've been reflecting on that year. It's gone by so quickly it seems like a blur. So much has happened and I can't believe how I've transitioned since then. I've made steps to fulfilling my dreams and a couple of them have become realities. I've made some lifelong friends that I will always keep in my heart. I've experienced everything I could. I've worked, practiced, grown, fallen, picked myself up, cried, laughed, loved, created, imagined, pursued, and the list goes on. With all these experiences I can't help but feel a bit overwhelmed. Thankfully, there are so many people in my life that keep me strong and pick me up when I need it. I love all of you.

I had a very long talk with my Mom. It started out as usual with the niceties of my life, work, auditions, home. And then before I could even control my thoughts and words I felt an uncontollable need for my family. I skipped all the bullshit "Life is good, and we're fine" and told her exactly how I felt. Things aren't always good and I've had the hardest years of my life living in NYC. I opened my heart to her and words spilled from my core. Together we cried, she listened and understood and said "I didn't know". Then my Dad took the phone and I have never been more comforted by the sound of anyone's voice. He was so gentle with his words and I have never missed my family more.

"I love you Dad"
"I love you too"
"I miss you"
"I miss you too"
"I need you"

And then my big strong Dad couldn't choke out a reply. I guess after being independent for 10 years you forget how much you need each other. We talked about Granny and Gramps and Grandma and Grandpa and the influence they had on our lives and how much I want to emulate all of them.

I felt so much peace and I know now that I need to find out what makes me happy and never lose sight of my goals. My family will always be there for me no matter what.

Well this turned out much more serious than it began, but I'm just a rollercoaster of emotions right now. So, I'm going to bring it back up. I've been watching the first season of Scrubs on DVD. I can't even describe how funny and imaginative each episode is. If you ever need a good laugh or a pick-me-up I suggest watching Scrubs. In fact, that's what I'm going to do right now.

Thank you to everone who has been putting up with me lately. I love you and appreciate everything you do for me.

Peace.
~Ro

Restless

I'm up early. Last night I didn't sleep very well. I kept having all these nightmares and I woke up with a fever. I've been laying in bed awake for almost two hours with thoughts racing through my head to the point where I think I might scream out loud.

I'm stressed about going to work today. They gave me all this extra responsibility and I don't want it. My job isn't what I want and it's taking from me all my desire. I have to find work soon or I may just whither away.

Yesterday I was practicing for a while and now I have this monologue in my head. If I don't write it down it may be stuck there forever. It's from Chapter Two by Neil Simon. It's Jennie, a part I play very well.

"I know I’m not as smart as you. Maybe I can’t analyze and theorize and speculate on why we behave as we do and react as we do and suffer guilt and love and hate. You read all those books, not me…But there’s one thing I do know. I know how I feel. I know I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists because you won’t even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness---and still know that I love you. That’s always so clear to me. It’s the one place I get all my strength from…You mean so much to me that I am willing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity---because that’s what you need to do to prove I’m not going to leave you. I can’t promise I’m not going to, George, that’s asking too much. But if you want to test me, go ahead and test me. You want to leave, leave! But I’m not the one who’s going to walk away. I don’t know if I can take it forever, but I can take it tonight and I can take it next week. Next month I may be a little shaky…But I’ll tell you something, George. No matter what you say about me, I feel so good about myself---better than I felt when I thought there was no one in the world out there for me, and better than I felt the night before we got married and I thought that I wasn’t good enough for you…Well, I am! I’m wonderful! I’m nuts about me! And if you’re stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, then you don’t deserve as good as you’ve got!"

There, it's out, and my head is beginning to clear.

To the creature that cannot be caught...there's just pieces of me you've never seen...

...I say to you this. "I'm not like the girls that you've known, but I believe I'm worth coming home to"...I am not one to be grouped, or categorized, or placed on a shelf like a doll you can take down when you please...

"I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way"

These were all random thoughts and should in no way be grouped together. Everything swirling around is beginning to settle and I'm much more lucid. Strong and ready to face the day.

Peace.
~R

Reflections

So, I'm sitting here watching American Idol. I know, I know, but it's the last show and they're at the Kodak Theatre. That's what sparked a myriad of memories for me. Yep, I was there. I stood on that stage. I danced around in next to nothing for an entire audience who cheered and laughed and gave us standing ovations. I didn't have to be created either. What an experience I will never forget.

I have to share something funny that happened on our last performance in LA. Taylor, our wonderful governor in the show, was singing his song, doin' his thing and he messed up a line. Before I tell you what line, let me preface by telling you that the entire Kodak Theatre backstage is painted in numerous shades of purple. It's on the walls, ceilings, doors, air vents, pipes. It's everywhere...purple. So, our own American Idol, Taylor had his line "Now who say's I don't speak out as plain as day". But to create a memory that will forever keep a smile in my heart, Taylor said "Now who says I don't speak out as........PURPLE day?" The entire cast could not hold back. Not one serious face on stage. We all had to turn our backs to the audience and couldn't look at eachother or we would burst into laughter. Taylor kept it together and continued on as if nothing had happened. What a rock star. Thank you Taylor for such a wonderful memory I will always have when I think of the Kodak Theatre.

Now when I see the Kodak it doesn't seem as intimidating. I've been there before and I'll be there again. YES!!!

Bring it.
~Ro

Someone get this net off me

Whoa, they changed the blog form...okay...I can handle it.

I'm in my head a lot lately. I have all these thoughts and images and ideas and they are all just racing about until I feel my head might explode if I don't give them an outlet. My creativity has been caged, so tomorrow it is my goal to free my mind in any way I can. I have an idea for a painting that I'm going to start provided I can find a model. It's very Frida Kahlo and might freak people out but it's an image I've had in my head for a couple days now. It's haunting me. I don't know why I haven't been able to pick up a paintbrush lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm afraid to share what's in my head so I keep it locked up. But today I was thinking maybe if I let people know what's in my head they might understand me better. That, or think I'm crazy. I'm fine either way. I think I'm worried that the people I care about the most won't appreciate the images I create. Or, they'll trivialize them and make me feel like less of a person. It's happened before. One day I'll escape from this cage and finally be able to be myself all the time. I'm so glad I pulled out my portfolio. It gave me some inspiration. I had forgotton about some of my pieces. I posted a couple so when I go online it will remind me to create more.

Now for the mundane and everyday news...

They finally started giving me better sections at Hard Rock so I can make some money. Today I was only there for four hours and made as much as I do in two days. Yea. It was my friend Jacquie's last day so we doused her in chocolate sauce and whipped cream as a going away present. She was not amused but was a good sport. I let her borrow my hoodie so she didn't have to go out in public looking like she had just left an underground mud wrestling tournament. Hmmm...random super hot thought...and it's gone.

I plan on de-junking my apt. tomorrow. I have way too much clutter and it's driving me nuts. It's going out on the sidewalk for the scavengers. It'll be gone in a day.

My painting is back in my head...if I don't start it tomorrow I think I'll go insane. In fact I'm going to start the sketches for it right now.

Buh bye,
Rochelle

Old and New Friends

Nothing like a visit with old and new friends to feed the soul and rejuvinate the spirit. AAAHHH! This weekend was great. I spent some time with tour friends, caught up with lives, met some new friends and was finally able to put some faces to names. I bought my tickets to SLC. I'll be there from July 11th to the 17th. The R&R can't come fast enough. Well, I best be off. Tyler is on a tirade and it is way past his feeding time. Hopefully I don't lose an arm during the process. I tried loading some new pics of my art and an epiphany pic of something I saw on the subway. OUT! ~R

Ketsup

Sunday I joined 40,000 other New Yorkers in the Aids Walk. It was the 20th Anniversary but the first time I participated. It was definitely an experience. I went with a group from Hard Rock. We all had matching t-shirts. However, I personalized mine, cut it all up, altered it and sewed to make it pretty. Everyone was jealous. The walk was 10K and I was pretty beat after. So, what did I do? That's right folks, it's New York, I walked some more. It was my friend Katie's last day in the States. She and her boyfriend Chris are moving to Japan. To say goodbye a group gathered at one of my new favorite little places to eat, V*nyl. It has a vinyl record theme and all of their menus are made out of old record covers. They have fabulous food there. especially the breakfast. I may even say it rivals the number one slot on the list that is currently held by Cora's in Canada. We'll see. It was sad to say goodbye. All my close friends seem to disappear out of my life. She will be missed. In the news today...I cut my hair, finally. I'm not quite used to it, but I like the change. It's very blonde, shoulder length, and has lots of choppy layers. Very chic, very New York. I kind of feel like I look my age though. No more ponytails to make me look 18 anymore. It's hot, I like it. We'll see what the judge thinks. Also, I bought a tux today so I could start my new catering job. That's really all I have to say about that. Bought a pair of shoes online and they came today. I LOVE THAT!!! Still waiting on a skirt. I think I will be going to Salt Lake in July to visit the fam. Tyler has to go on a baseball trip and I figured that would be the perfect time to go. That way I won't be traveling while he's left at home alone. I think he's pretty through with that scenerio. Well, that's my life and now I'm going to make some ginger tea and get cozy. Love, Rochelle

Needing a Change

I took a little break from auditioning for a while which helped me clear my head and get focused. So glad. Now I'm preparing to work my way back into the cattle calls and GET A DAMN JOB!!! I've decided my hair is too long. It makes me look too young and I can't audtion for some of the rolls I want because I look too much like a kid. So, I'm going shorter, choppy, and blonde. Very chic and updated to make me look my age and hopefully land me in some better auditions. I'm getting it done on Sunday and the count down is going to kill me. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I miss my mom. She's so beautiful and loving and makes me feel happy in every way. She's also wacky and the only mom I know that went to her Mom's Day brunch at a fancy restaurant in a Trogdor shirt. Go MOM! I went to see a musical and I know my mom would have laughed her ass off. It was The Musical of Musicals - The Musical. Yep, try not to get confused. It was a satire on past and modern day musicals and it was fabulous. Very witty and truthful. Wednesday I'm going to see a one woman play called Nine Parts of Desire. It's a combination of several monologues recounting the lives and struggles of Iraqi women during times of war. Should be very good and I'm eager to see it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Just had to get that out. I'm kind of bored and I have nobody to talk to right now. So, I'm singing and practicing, but sometimes you just have yell and scream, get it all out, take a deep breath, and return to life. Blah, blah, blog, blog...bye.

Ups and Downs

Just once, I'd like to have wonderful things happen to me and Tyler at the same time. It seems like we take turns at having our dreams come true, but it never happens together. So, here I am, without many auditions and no prospects in the near future of finding work, and Tyler has landed his dream job. He now works for MLB.com. He lives and breathes baseball, only now, he gets paid for it. I'm so happy for him and he's just beaming all the time. He gets tickets to any major league game, gets to travel to see games and goes to work to deal with baseball all day. Things couldn't be more perfect for him. Now, for our happiness to be complete, I have to nail an audition and get in a show. It will happen. Lately I've taken to shopping online. It's a glorious thing. No people to deal with, no trains and I get a package in the mail (one of my favorite things). I'm currently awaiting some shoes and accessories from Urban Outfitters and clothes from Nordstom. I'm SO excited. Work...phffffff...it's been somewhat slow and I don't know how I've been making it through. I applied for another job as soon as I got back from tour and heard from them last week. It's a catering job and it's a piece of cake. The interview was the fastest I've ever had. In fact, it wasn't even an interview. I pretty much had the job before I even got there. My boss basically told me that she looked at my resume and since I already work at Hard Rock this would be ten times easier. So, I talked to her for less than five minutes, filled out my paperwork and I start in a couple weeks. It's $25 an hour plus tips and all I have to do is walk around with trays and smile. No orders, no running to the kitchen because my food is taking forever and no relying on foreigners who don't understand the concept of tipping to pay my salary. However, despite my best efforts to lay low on the Hard Rock radar, I've been noticed. Apparently when you get to work on time, don't complain, keep a positive attitude and just do your job that not only keeps the managers off your back, it also wins you employee of the month. Yep, that's me. Over fifty servers, I'm back three weeks and I get promoted to a trainer and made employee of the month. I just don't want to get sucked into the Hard Rock world, which is happening faster than I can comprehend. Now, because I'm responsible and shit, I can't even throw them off by being late or not showing up for a shift, sassing my customers, etc. Will there ever be a day that I'll be able to let down my guard and not be the overachieving perfectionist.


Editor note: Couldn't have done it without you baby, i love you

Why do I write

"It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop." (Vita Sackville-West) Don't let life go - release your creativity. "We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection." Anais Nin There, in the words of these great writers, lies the answer. I'll write more about me tomorrow. ~Ro

Deep in thought

I just watched the Motorcycle Diaries. I really have no words right now. It was very moving. It's interesting what ideas are fed to us and we believe as children. Then, when we see or learn something about the "other side" or contrasting point of view it opens up an entirely new world. Wouldn't it be nice if we could look at every aspect of life objectively and make rational and educated descisions. I guess there will always be those narrow-minded individuals incapable of humanity and admiting they might be wrong. Don't misinterpret me. I don't discount anyone for sticking up for their ideals, but sometimes I wonder what this world would be like if we all just took a moment to understand eachother. And as my Granny would say, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it."

Simple pleasures

I LOVE crawling into bed with clean sheets that still smell like fabric softener right after I've shaved and I'm all smooth. Yep, I could just roll around in my sheets that way for hours. In fact, I love so much I had to get up and write about it. While I'm up and on the subject of things I like I'll run down a short list. I love easy open soup cans. That was just an incredible invention. I love dancing and singing in the subway just to make everyone stare. Luv free tickets to concerts...went to see Good Charlotte tonight...free tickets, can't beat that. I love finding new litte restraunts. I just discovered Maison on 52nd Street and 6th Ave. It's open 24/7 and looks and feels like a little French bistro. It completed my night perfectly. I love shopping in the middle of the night and buying random "As seen on TV" products just to see if they really work. Just a side note: Epil Stop and Spray was not nearly as effective as I had anticipated. What a disappointment, but it was an adventure trying. Next time I'll go with Nads. I love Spring when you can smell the blossoming trees. I love my iPod. I love banana pancakes. I love getting emails from friends. I loved today.

Update on my current bliss

In the past few days I've had quite a few things happen. I found myself a really cute pair of green shoes and got a great deal on them. So, naturally, I had to find a shirt or two to go with them. All for the sole purpose of strutting around the city with my friend Kim when we met for dinner and a movie. Dinner was at the Westside Cafe, Monte Cristo sandwiches and cheesecake for dessert. Yummy. I even received two comments on my swanky new ensemble. The movie was Fever Pitch. Kim and I could both relate, both widows to baseball. I also saw Sin City. Maybe I already wrote about this, I can't remember. Anyway, loved it...the art direction was outstanding. At times I felt as though I were looking at a pen and ink comic. Narration the entire time in true graphic novel style. Genious is all I can say. Tyler, Cami and Aaron all went along. This was preceeded by Chevy's. Gotta love the Tex Mex. I've really had a fantastic few days and I believe it's due to my making a conscious effort to maintain a positive attitude. Good Karma...and the result...most tips I've ever made in one day at work. Although I would like to say this was all a result of my optimistic outlook, it could also be attributed to the table of 20 Norwegian guys that I waited on as they guzzled massive amounts of alcoholic beverages. After several rounds of shots, Jager, peach schnapps, Hennesey, Absolut Citron, and so many beers I can't even begin to count them, I had them buying t-shirts, hats, pins and the list goes on. The bill for the alcohol alone was over $1000. Yet another reason why I don't drink. Far be it for me to deny anyone else the right though, I'll just stay sober and reap the benefits. Now, I'm home. I took a long bubble bath and shower with candles and all. I'm clean, smooth, relaxed and ready to sleep in. Sweet dreams to all. Tomorrow I'm going to treat myself to another new pair of shoes...special ones. ~Ro

The best birth control

Why...why would you bring a sick child into a loud crazy restaurant. I just don't understand. I'm bringing out the food to this family's table, a dad and three kids, and the little boy who's sick gets up, walks to the side of the table and begins puking all over the place. Ahhh...joyous. I think I completely froze for a few seconds. Puke was everywhere and going by all my other tables. I had to get the mop and clean it up because the dad took his son down to the bathroom and left me with the mess. I clean up the mess...appease my other tables...who, as a result, lost their appetites and had to leave...then, attempt to go about my business as if nothing happened. That was by far the most disturbing experience for me at Hard Rock. Then the family just stayed forever. Why wouldn't they want to get that little boy home. The poor little guy was laying on his dad's lap and couldn't even move. On top of it all, I didn't even get a great tip. I wanted to say "Are you kidding me? I clean up your kid's puke and this is all you leave me?" If it were my kid, first of all I would make sure the clean up situation was being handled, I would take my child home to care for him and I would leave a great tip...especially if another person had to clean up the mess. I understand that accidents happen and kids do stuff like that but please...be a responsible parent. I felt bad for the two other children. They were left there at the table without their dad, with a mess all around them, and eveybody starring. I went and talked to them to let them know that everything would be okay and not to worry. Poor things. Whatever, I made it through, and I hope it never happens again.

Hurly Burly and Ethan Hawke's Ass

Last night I went to see the play Hurly Burly staring Ethan Hawke and Parker Posey. Yep, just thirty feet away from him and he was just as glorious in real life as he was in Reality Bites. He begins the play crashed out on a sofa with his shorts half way down, yep, his bum exposed. Don't worry, there were boobies for the guys too. The play was very intense, quite a bit of dialogue and I'm still trying to take it all in. Oh yeah, Wallace Shawn was in it as well...aka...the "inconceivable" guy from Princess Bride. He was ablsolutely brilliant. We won't talk about the little bitch who played Donna who was completely dead pan...nothing behind her...just reading lines like she was in an elementary school play...who the hell is she sleeping her way to the top with. Whewwww.... Other than the little blond bimbo (who I'm feeling strangely violent towards) the show was a great experience. Now, the subway ride home was another story. How can it be that I live in one of most technologically advanced cities in the world but I can't even manage to get a train home. This is when I reach my breaking point. And oh boy did I ever. Yep, I was the CRAAAAZY bitch in the subway who started ranting after having transfered twice due to service changes and then watched two of the trains I was waiting for speed through the station. FINAL STRAW. "Oh that's just f'n great. Just speed past. NOOOBODY here is trying to get anywhere. We're all just standing down here in this godforsaken disgusting HELL HOLE for FUN! (that was the first train and here's when the second one passed) F*CK ME!!! THAT'S RIGHT...JUST BEND ME OVER AND I'LL TAKE IT UP THE ASS. OH...OH...AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT WHY DON'T YOU CUT ME WITH CARDBOARD AND POUR LEMON JUICE IN IT." (keep in mind these are just highlights, I don't remember the the innate things that were streaming from my mouth, not that I would want to share them) All this while ranting, yep, ranting. That included jumping up and down, shaking arms wildly, then throwing them behind me as I chased after the train. Not one of my finest moments since I was yelling at a speeding train in an endless tunnel where noone could here me but the rats and a few bums hangin' around...who consequently moved away from me because I was actually acting crazier than they usually do. Yeah. I must admit though, it was liberating. Of course it didn't change the situation, but it did make me feel a lot better to get that all out. I did finally make it home, exhausted, and not really ready to start the whole process over again in a few hours. Wow. Gotta love those steaming piles of dog shit on the streets and sirens every five minutes. What a delightful and peaceful little city. Now that I've got that off my chest I'm off to bed. I have to serve a breakfast at Hard Rock tomorrow morning at 6am. Don't worry, I'll have sweet dreams of driving my Jeep Grand Cherokee through the canyons and being able to get anywhere in the city within 15 minutes. I miss Salt Lake, my family, my Jeep, and conveniences. Maybe someday I'll find a happy medium.

Torigasm

Yep, that's right. I went to see Tori. Here's how it went down. The show in New York was sold out so I bought tickets in Philly. I just had a feeling everything would work out, and it did. Gordon bought my extra ticket for his sister, April, and life it good. I took the Chinatown bus to Philly...a little smelly...but I endured. I was dropped off on 11th Street and April came to pick me up there. I had never met her but she turned the corner on her bike and I knew it was her. She was so sweet and welcoming. We walked back to her apartment on South Street to drop off her bike and my stuff, then I took off with her to experience a piece of the city. I instantly fell in love with Philly. I had so many experiences in those two days and I may have to write again about it later, but here's a quick rundown of highlights. - Shopped around on South Street, saw Tiny in Guacamole's - Ate Chinese food with April - General Tso's Chicken and delicious hot 'n sour soup - Bought hair dye to color April's hair while we watched Closer - Took a cab to the Kimmel Center because we thought we might be late, then when we realized she had an opening act, ran back to South Street to pick up our binoculars that we forgot - TORI TORI TORI - she was fabulous, one of the best shows I've seen her do...no band just her and the Bose - Ran past a security guard at a college next to the Kimmel Center to try and see Tori as she got into her bus - Got chased by a security guard with a broken toe, tried to climb on the roof...failed...tried to hide behind kilns...not smart or stealth...failed and ran back off campus - Had to go back to the campus to sweet talk our way back in to find binoculars that had been dropped during our escape - Stood under a light in front of some red cathedral doors where we did see Tori, we waved and she waved back...that was pretty cool - Took a cab to Dirty Frank's where we were going to do karaoke...30 second cab ride...we were indecisive...don't yell at us Gordon - Dodged Dirty Frank's and opted for Little Pete's Diner instead...tuna melts, egg white omelet with cottage cheese, hot chocolate and tea...yum - Talked and laughed all night (Cooper the Pooper, "Gimme a P. You got'cho P, you got'cho P") - Stopped by the Bean and met Blake the Bloke or Vampire...or whatever - Breakfast at Morning Glory's...pecan waffle, french toast with fresh strawberries - Listened to April's amazing journal entries and basked in the glow she radiates while we walked back to my Chinatown bus And that's how it ended. Overall it was two of the most incredible days I have ever spent. Thank you April, my new friend, for your spirit and your kindness, for showing me around Philly, for coming with me to the concert, for giving me a place to stay, for sharing. You are truly an angel on Earth. I hope our creative forces can oneday merge to construct something astonishing and fierce (in a good way). I have my mustard seed and I'm ready to make it work for me. Thank you Gordon for helping me out with the ticket. Thank you Tyler for giving me up for a night to feed my soul. I'm still on a high and I'm sure it will last for a while. Even work couldn't get me down. I'm ready for the next adventure. ~RochieB aka Silver Star

Picking up the pieces

Life is looking up. Although I returned to the hell that is Hard Rock, I have friends there and they are the only redeeming quality. Schleping burgers to hungry foreigners who speak little to no English and haven't quite figured out the tipping process is not my idea of a great time. Nor is keeping adolescents with bad manners and sticky hands calm while they wait the fifteen minutes it takes for their burger to arrive. It's critical at these times to never turn your back for more than 10 seconds or you will have a sculpture made from a mixture of ketchup, mustard, salt and Sweet 'n Low. This is usually topped of one of those little flags they stick in the burgers. Nice touch...how creative. Their mothers must be so proud. So, moving on. Tomorrow I am hair colorist extraodinaire. I will be coloring two of my new friends hair from HRC. I'm very excited and I'll post a picture of my work when complete. I'm doing highlights for one and blue/black with burgundy chunks for the other. Very exciting. I'm also hanging out with my friend Cami tomorrow. I haven't seen her for a few months and her husband is out of town so we get to play. I started auditioning after my humiliating experience and I feel like I'm back on track. Live and learn. "Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." I read that somewhere as I was walking through the city and it struck me. Okay, I've learned. Now the second test is to not make the same mistakes. Great...a retake. So, I don't screw up anymore. That means, I triple check and prepare well in advance. Onto the best news. I'M GOING TO SEE TORI ON MONDAY IN PHILLY!!! Very good. Gordon bought my other ticket for his sister which is perfect. I haven't met April yet, but I'm not worried. I'm sure she's fabulous. I'm going to call my friend Scott because he knows the bass player for Tori, Jon Evans. You never know, maybe he can hook us up...better seats...back stage passes. It's all about the connections baby! Maybe I can go check out the Walnut Street Theatre while I'm there. I'm going to audition for them next Tuesday right after I get back to NY. Now, I must try and sleep, which has been an impossible task lately. I can't get my mind to slow down. This sucks because my body is exhausted and my mind could run a marathon. I've always had this problem. I hadn't really thought about it until lately, but I was always high strung at night. My mom used to have to sing to me or rub my head until I could sleep. I'm sure this got old for her because she was replaced by a tape of ocean sounds. I just stress myself out too much about succeeding. It used to be about school. Get one "A" and you're expected to get them forever (or so I thought). Now, it's auditioning, work, marriage, family, bills, housework. I only wish it was as easy as a test or a paper I have due and a tape with ocean sounds would make it all go away. But it's life and I take it one day at a time. If I have time tomorrow and it's not raining I'm going to take some pictures around my neighborhood so I can do some pen and ink drawings. Maybe if I take some time to escape life for a while I will be able to deal, prioritize and finally get some restful sleep. Goodnight.