Identity Lost

One day after Christmas and my wallet has mysteriously disappeared. I had it in the morning when I went to work and when I tried to get on the subway to go home...it was gone. Stolen? Lost? I have no idea. My guess is it was stolen somewhere at Hard Rock. I can't see how anyone could have taken from my bag on the walk to the subway. Unless they have some kind of stealth mutant power and could run past me undetected, rummage through my bag to locate said wallet and then zip away at the speed of light. In any case, it's gone along with my identity, and I mean ALL of my identity. This truly sucks balls. That's really all I can say about it. I now have to close everything and replace everything. Fantastic! I love it!



Hey, at least it gave me something to write about on myspace. My life would otherwise just be hum drum and monotonous. Well except for the little life that's constantly changing inside me, that's definitely different every day. A new smell that bothers me. A new pain in my hip or leg. A new food that gives me major indigestion. Good thing it's all counterbalanced with a new little kick or movement A new little reaction to sound. A new realization of when he's asleep and when he's awake. A new way to love him more when I discover singing to him calms him down.



Who cares about my wallet.

Always get a seat on the train

I'm so busy these days I barely have enough time to breathe. I'm sure that comes with the season, and the job. But I'm making it through. I'm also growing. Yep, no hiding the fact now. I'm definitely pregnant and I definitely have a bump. It's obvious enough that everytime I get on the train...I get a seat. We almost every time. I think sometimes people aren't sure and then they pretend like they didn't see. It's pretty funny. I'm sure they feel like total assholes when the person next to them offers their seat. Just a little perk.

I don't even remember the last time I took the time to write. And, I think this is the first time I've written about being pregnant. There are times when I still have to let it sink in, but most of the time I'm pretty excited. I feel him move now...yes, it is a him...and he loves to wiggle around and kick. I'm a Momma. How crazy is that!

It's amazing how all my priorities have changed. At least for the time being. Yes, there are times when I still wonder what I would be doing if I wasn't pregnant, but they just don't seem that important right now. In fact, I didn't even feel that bad when I was offered the chance to be in a Theatreworks production of "If you give a Mouse a Cookie" (even though I have been auditioning for them for the last three years). Nice timing, huh. I think I've been cast in the best role of all and I can't wait to see my little guy.

I'm not getting any time off for the holidays, but I am planning on going to Salt Lake to visit the fam the first week of January. I can't wait! They haven't seen my belly yet, or my brown hair...yeah for the time being no more bleach...but I love it and it looks great. That's the last possible week I'll be able to fly until after I have the baby. Then we'll have to see.

Now, my bed is calling, but I'll try to keep everyone updated from now on.

Time for Reflection

Unconnected and out of touch. I've been without an internet connection and cable for the past week. Just me and an empty apartment. I guess I'm not completely alone though. And that is the one thing that is getting me through.

Right now I'm sitting at work, trying to stay hidden so I don't get bothered by all the employees. Not an easy task.

I'm trying not to let myself get lonely, but without warning the feelings start to creep in. I find myself lying in bed with a blank stare and nothing but my thoughts racing around the room.

Change.

It's amazing how quickly life can take a sharp turn and all you can do is hold on for the ride. So here I am, holding on for dear life, and watching the signs pass...curves ahead...boy, do I ever feel that one.

Fear.

I don't know if I can even begin to touch on that subject today. Especially here at work. But it's there, always, in the back of my mind.

So many things I want to say...

Do Flu shots really help?

Or, do they just make you sick?

Fire in the Hole

After finishing my trainer meeting at the HRC I walked out of the function room to find smoke, the rest of the managers, and firemen. Yep, there was a fire at the rock today. We had to evacuate the building, all the guests, the cooks...everyone. Six fire trucks in Times Square and a bunch of cold employees on the street. It's amazing how calm I can stay in these situations. I just politely asked everyone to leave and escorted them out. No worries. Once we were all out on the street, there was really no use for sticking around. The FDNY had taken over completely. Ally, Graziella and I walked over to Starbucks where is was safe, we could get a tasty treat and watch from a distance. The fire was in the walls and was probably started by a cigarette being thrown into a crack from the outside. The insulation was burning inside and I'm sure it wasn't good to breathe in. When they finally re-opened the building there were piles of burnt insulation and well, I didn't really feel like inhaling any of that in. I'm so consious of my health now. So, I went home. What a weird day. What a weird week.

James Gandolfini and the giant inflatable slide

I've been pretty busy this last week...working like a mad woman, but a few cool things happened recently.

Sunday, I had the opportunity to work as an abassador for Hard Rock at the Dream Halloween carnival for children affected by AIDS. What an amazing experience. The children were all in costume and there were rows of game booths and food stands. Mattel and Toys R Us sponsored the event and there were toys everywhere for the kids to win. They were all so cute in their costumes and they loved the Hard Rock booth because we weren't serving anything fancy...just chicken fingers and chips and salsa. Among all the kids and families, there were also a bunch of celebrities making the rounds. They were there for the silent auction and to donate to the charity. The one who stood out though was James Gandolfini. That man is enormous. I mean he looks big on the Sopranos, but that could be all in the way it's filmed. Not in this case, he's huge and his body guard is even bigger. Now ask me why a man of such large stature who looks completely intimidating would need a body guard. I mean, COME ON! The highlight of my night though, watching that giant man go down the inflatable slide. HILARIOUS! All for the kiddies. I managed to get hooked up with a sweet gift bag though with plenty of rich folk goodies. I can use most of it, exept for the two free sessions of botox. Are you kidding me?

Back to work for a few days...

Today, I had the chance to see Tarzan on broadway. It kills me to see a show and not be on stage. I miss it. But, it will always be there and when I'm ready to go back I know I'll find something.

Life.

Crazy.

Learning to be Lonely

I'm flying solo these days, well, not entirely solo, but it's just me in little old New York. I'm just now getting out of the "poor me" phase and today I had a bit of motivation. I started cleaning and sorting...the apartment is still a mess from moving in. I'm trying to take it one box at a time, sort it and put it away. How did I manage to acquire all this stuff! I haven't had a Sunday off for quite some time and I didn't know how to handle it. All day yesterday I was thinking it was Sunday and when I woke up this morning I still thought it was already Monday. What a pleasant surprise when I finally realized, because I have the day off tomorrow as well. Lazy Sunday and lazy Monday. I truly plan on doing nothing, except for maybe tackling another box or two. Maybe I'll go see a movie on my own, that's liberating right?

Another pleasant surprise today...the Godiva ice cream bars I found in the freezer that I didn't know were there. Absolutely decadent and sinful. Am I on my way to becoming a desperate housewife? When it comes to dark Godiva chocolate...maybe.

..makes Rochelle not want to write about her life.

It's October, but I didn't need a calendar to let me know that. The air is that perfect crisp, the leaves have started to change and I've pulled out my favorite sweaters. Now, if only I were near a mountain with a canyon.

Aside from being busy at work, I've been feeling quite good. I'm not as tired and the work load seems to be easing slightly. Greg, the GM who hired me...yeah, he quit. So that's been interesting. He gave his two week notice on Saturday and Monday he was escorted out of the building. We have a new GM in training along with two additional managers. Hey, whatever...I'm happy to have the extra help. In the meantime, corporate sent us some extra managers from around the country to help out with the upcoming "busy season".

Enough with work though. It's October and aside from it being my favorite time of year, it also means Arizona Fall League. And that means Tyler is leaving in a week for Arizona. He'll be gone until after Thanksgiving. It's just lonely little me in New York City for a few weeks until my sister comes to live with me for a bit. She'll be here after Halloween and the plan is to stay until after Thanksgiving. I can't wait. I know she could use a little time to get away and I could sure use the company...especially by then.

Time for a funny story. A couple days ago I got locked out of my apartment...in my robe...no contacts in...no phone...and no little man downstairs who has an extra key. The hear the buzzer and jump out of bed, throw on a robe and run downstairs to meet the Fedex guy. I've carefully left the door open seeing as though it locks automatically when it shut. However, when I close the bottom door, the force of the wind pulls my door shut. Oh, rapture. The very thing I was trying to avoid. And, it's the one day the little old man downstairs isn't home. Neither are our upstairs neighbors. There I was, wrapped in a robe, unable to really see and standing on my stoop completely frozen. Finally I rack up enough courage, at the risk of looking totally crazy, to stop this sweet girl strolling her baby and explain my situation. She is so sweet and accommodating. She lends me her cell phone and I was able to call Ty and get him to come home and rescue me. How humiliating, but I survived.

I'm spending the day with my dear friend Alli. We are making an Ikea trip, doing a little clothes shopping, maybe gonna catch a movie and I just remembered there's a P.F. Chang's near the Ikea...I'm dying for some lettuce wraps.

Let the fun day begin!

Ambassadors of Rock

So, I got back from London and went right back to work. But really, who can complain when work consists of the Motley Crue concert. I was in charge of the VIP room and a few other bands showed up. You may have heard of them...Anthrax, Pantera, um...Aerosmith. Just to name a few. Good times.

Tonight...Queensryche.

Cheers Love!

I'm in London. That's right mate. I'm staying with my family in a flat in Westminster. The flat is amazing with the softest linens, comfy furniture and loads of goodies in the kitchen. I've needed this holiday for so long. After my training in Orlando I jumped right back into work, then we moved into a new apartment (which was our worst move to date, we were totally unprepared and it will still be weeks before I'm able to sort everything). I've been pretty tired, but the R 'n R is doing wonders. I love London. It's like a cleaner, more polite version of New York. Truly, I think it's what New York was meant to be, but somehow it went terribly wrong. I guess that's what happens when you throw Americans into the mix.

We hit some of the major touristy spots today...Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly Circus, St. John's Cathedral. Tomorrow we're hitting the Tower of London, the London Dungeons and the Jack the Ripper Tour. Gruesome, but frightfully delightful. Saturday is the river festival on the Thames and I can't wait...street fair, food, art...yep, it's right up my alley. Brilliant!

That's all for now.

Cheers!

Blast from the Past

Poison and Cinderella played Hard Rock last night. It was all so nostalgic for me. I was backstage the entire time, on headset, takin' charge, kickin' ass and takin' names. I truly had a wonderful time. I pretty much shadowed the security manager for Poison all night, Kevin. Kevin introduced me to the band and I took C.C. Devile and Bobby Dall on a tour of the venue. They were very nice and extremely funny. They played an amazing show and I can't believe how after 20 years they are still kickin' it. Good times.

I aslo had a chance to meet Cinderella, but alas, it was short an sweet. They were all very nice guys as well.

Last night, I loved my job.

I guess when that happens you have to appreciate life.

Real Estate Brokers MUST DIE!

Every day here I wonder if it could be more beautiful. The sun is always shining, the sky is blue with scattered clouds. Occasionally it will rain, but not for long and just enough to cool things down a bit. So, with all the perfect weather, why am I still feeling so completely unmotivated, tired and lonely? Because I'm just that, tired and lonely. I miss Ty and all my friends and I'm ready to come home. Besides, I'm not learning anything new anymore. Now, I'm just doing everything I was doing before but for a different cafe. A lot of good that's doing. Wow, this is already rambling. I'm rusty.

Let me tell you a story about the most disgusting creatures on the planet...real estate brokers. They are the scum of the earth. My lease is up at the end of the month and I've been looking for a new place to live. I've been using craigslist and rent-direct and a few other options to try and avoid dealing with brokers. Yet, without fail, like roaches, they infiltrate every viable option leaving me no choice but to work with them in order to find the perfect place. Bait and switch...that's what they're all about. They lead you to believe you're going to see a no fee apartment, then when you get there they tell you place is already rented, but they have another place that would be perfect. The catch: the new place they show you always has a broker's fee. STOP LYING TO ME!!! I hate it. Always an excuse and always some other option. So, the perfect apartment I thought I had...not going to happen. The broker fee was outrageous, the owner kept raising the rent when he recieved my salary information and all of a sudden utilities were not included. BULL SHIT! This is after we already put a deposit down and signed a bunch of paper work. Here's the real kicker. After we did all that...we saw the apartment listed on craigslist again and for more money. WHAT THE HELL!

So, I'm back to square one. No apartment and no more ideas. I'm going to need a miracle.

The airline took my lip gloss

My flight's been delayed!

Two more hours.

I prepared though...Mac...DVD's...free internet...I'm set.

I've been so exhausted lately and have hardly had the energy to write. As much as I love the people here, and it's been a good experience, I can't wait to go home. This is just too long to be away, all alone.

Another cause of my fatigue...

I am finally recovering from my weekend theme park hopping adventure. FIVE theme parks in TWO days. That's right, count 'em folks...5 in 2. Here's the rundown: Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, Disney's Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center and Disney's Animal Kingdom. Wow, how did we ever do it! And in this heat no less.

The last two days of work have been a blast though. I was training behind the bar with Birdie. She's a Hard Rock veteran and one of the most valuable pieces of memorabilia. Haha. Today was her 24th year anniversary working for Hard Rock. I can't even imagine. What a trooper. She's still smiling, laughing and joking around. I absolutley love her and I'll miss her when I head back to NYC.

I'm in the final stretch of time here and I'm hoping it will breeze by. Little breaks are helping. I go back to NY this weekend to try and find a new apartment...never a fun task, especially in the city. But, I'm keeping optimistic. I will find a place and it will have a nice kitchen with a dishwasher. And it will be close to the right subway stop. And it will be right by a grocery store. C'mon Jedi powers...work, damn it.


peanut love!

I'll take it on the Kob please

So begins my two weeks of redundancy weeks. I am now training on host, bus, server, etc. I actually had some fun yesterday at the host stand. People are so crazy and I love messing with them. At about 3:00 pm things started getting really crazy in the park and we found out it was because some guy hit a police officer on the freeway and then fled into Universal. So, the f'n police dept. closed the entrances to the park. Nobody could get in or out. That included employees. The night shift couldn't get in and we couldn't get out. Not to worry though, I just went to the Korn concert instead. Hahaha. I love my job. Yep, Korn played the Hard Rock. They came with 10 semi trucks and 7 tour busses (they each had their own). Quite a load in. They put on a good show though...if you can get through all the opening bands. I take that back, the first band was very cool...flyleaf. Loved them. Probably because I would love to sing with a band like that. Oh, it'll happen some day. Yeah, Korn was cool, bagpipes and all.

So, more on this damn lock down. I get so pissed off about this stuff. If it had been anyone else on that freeway, do you think they would have closed down the roads, Universal Studios and had about every cop car and helicopter searching for these guys? Absolutely not, it would have just been something you heard about on the news for about 30 seconds. It's all so f'd up.

That's it for now.

Pettin Dolphins and ridin the Kraken

One of the little perks that comes with my Universal ID pass is getting into all kinds of parks here in Orlando for FREE. Yes, I know you're jealous now. Today I opted for SeaWorld. It was actually a lot cooler than I remembered it being when I was a kid. I had such a great time. As you know, I like to learn, and well, I can't think of a better way. I got to pet and feed the dolphins...that was amazing. I touched a sting ray...that's all I could handle of that...too slimy, gross. They kind of looked like giant shitake mushrooms. I talked to the sea lions. One just loved me! And I got completely soaked by the dolphins and Shamu...drenched really. Still fun. I'm so pathetic though. The Shamu show was all serious and they had a little make-a-wish kid there who got to get up close to the whales. I got a little teary eyed. HAHAHA! All emotional and shit. Penguins, manatees, sharks, otters...I loved all of it. Most fun I've had since I've been here. If I get the chance I'll go back again...even if it's just to pet the dolphins and ride this off-the-hook rollercoaster...the Kraken...ooooohhh...scary.

Down Home Mississippi Boys

Chilled in the VIP room with 3 Doors Down tonight.

Good guys.

Good show.

Good night.

"I can think of a few other ways to use my scissors, bitch!"

The following are excerpts straight from the employee handbook for Hard Rock. I quote:

"Authentic. Just like rock...we are not fake, canned, counterfeit, copied or mass-produced. Passionate. Just like rock...we're not afraid to show or express our strong beliefs. Dominated and moved by powerful emotions, we're born with the ability to make our voices heard. Irreverent. Just like rock...we're critical of what is generally accepted or respected. As the world seeks to conform, we strive to push the envelope...sometimes crossing the line of acceptance. Unpredictable. Just like rock...we crave to be different."

So, after reading that, I was sitting there bored, in my little room. I've been so uncomfortable in my "uniform" of a bottled up t-shirt (black with black and more black) that I decided to revamp it. I walked to Walgreens, bought a pair of scissors and cut my t-shirts, rearranged them and made them comfortable and very rock and roll. I loved the change and everyone else I encountered seemed to like it as well. I even talked to the Director of Operations, who didn't have a problem. I went the whole day without any trouble and then without warning, one of the retail managers (a woman...probably jealous that she didn't think of doing something that cool) stopped into the manager's office and began verbally attacking me about the t-shirt. "You're out of uniform. You're going to have to buy a new one. Who did you clear that with...before or after you cut it? Well, get in uniform." I was actually a little speachless afterward. All the other managers in there with me just rolled their eyes and said not to worry about her. But I kind of want kick the living shit out of this bitch. She embarrassed me and spoke to me as if I were a child (hopefully not though because that would be child abuse) and then ran off as if she had the last say in the restaurant. I'm so steamed over this I can't even express my anger. I don't even deal with this lady. I'm not doing my retail training here. She has absolutely no say over me what so ever, yet she felt compelled to yell at me in front of my peers. Lou told me after she left that he was completely embarrassed, and couldn't believe what he had just witnessed.

Unbelievable! Won't she be thrilled when I come to work tomorrow in a shirt that's even more altered!

Funny that a company that states how "Rock and Roll" they are can have a tree the size of a California Sequoia shoved up their ass.

"ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT!"

Nothing here sings, not even The Lark

Eleven o'clock. I pick up my phone to check the time. I've repeated this action every fifteen to twenty minutes hoping somehow time has managed to speed up. The result never changes and I am left staring at the same mark on the wall which has kept my attention entirely too long. The only light comes from a desk lamp and the hazy glow of my computer screen. I am surrounded by silence. This silence is far from peaceful and not at all comforting. It's not the kind of silence you hope for when your neighbors are blasting their techno or kids are yelling on the streets.

This silence is unsettling and forced.
This silence reminds me I am alone.

My eyes continue to drift aimlessly as my mind races. I search constantly for the clarity I was hoping to find here, the perspective. My thoughts gain speed and I am carried into a whirlwind of images and memories. I want to run, but my body is paralyzed by the sting of emptiness around me. Trapped.

I check the time again.

My cage, the room with all the comforts of home, my tomb.

I allow my memories to penetrate and I have the sudden urge to paint, but I have no means. Splashes of color soar through the empty room from my core, the place where I've kept them safely locked away. Imprisoned. How ironic that when I'm unable to share my creativity it wants to break free of of its holding cell.

I feel an overwhelming swell from my heart that wants to give love and receive love, but cannot.

I want to sing, but everyone knows that The Lark never sings when captive.

So, I cry

Damn you Betsey Johnson Bitches

So, I found two other malls today. I think they're like rapidly growing mold down here, popping up and infiltrating every open space. I went to see Pirate's of the Caribbean 2, spent some time at the Van's skatepark at mall number one and then travelled to mall number two to do some high end shopping. I actually found this amazing dress at Betsey Johnson and was all ready to buy it until the sales girls made me feel so inferior that I had to leave. What the hell!!! It was a complete Pretty Woman moment and I feel like going back with the dress from another store and saying, "you work off commission?" "Big mistake!"

Although my day was filled with activities, I was really lonely. I'm probably driving everyone nuts calling or IMing all the time. I'll be less of a pain the next five days...they will be busy work days and I won't have time to be a bother.

More fun in the sun

My adventure today started at 10am when Gene and Lou called to see if I wanted to go to ihop for breakfast. Um, yeah, you don't need to ask me twice for that one. I love breakfast, any time I can get it. Sorry Amanda, but I even love breakfast at night. The first ihop we went to is just around the corner, but it was so packed with tour groups we opted to find a different one. This is not a difficult task seeing as though there are hundreds of ihop's in Orlando. We didn't have to drive far. After a fabulous cinnamon french toast combo meal, I was ready for anything. What I wasn't counting on was being stranded at the ihop for the next two hours. That's right, I said two hours. Our rental car had a little problem. We were stuck in park. We could start the car, but it was completely stuck. We tried everything and finally had to call Budget to either pick us up or bring us another car. And so the wait began. A couple hours later, we had a new rental and were off to explore more of our surroundings.

We spent quite a bit of time at Downtown Disney, checking out shops and restaurants in the area. The sun was blazing and we were melting but we treked onward. After hours of exlporation we made our way back to the hotel. I immediately hopped in the shower to cool down. Just as I was about to rinse off THE FIRE ALARM WENT OFF. It was so high piched and loud. I was completely soaked and had to throw on what ever clothes I could find. I grabbed my laptop and ipod (can't lose those precious items) and joined the masses in the lobby only to find out it was the punk ass kids who've been running up and down the halls yelling and fighting and playing around for the past two days. Damn kids.

Once I collected myself and finished getting ready it was time for the next adventure. Lou has some family here and the three of us took a little drive to have dinner at their house. The deal was that we all pitch in on food and Gene does all the cooking (he's an amazing chef). On our way, we stopped at an outdoor mall/factory outlet. Very much fun. I think I'm actually starting to get to know the area a little better and how to get around which will help when I have those moments of sheer boredom.

Dinner was fantasic, but what made it even more enjoyable was the family atomosphere. There were four generations of women there and I loved spending time with Grandma and Great Grandma. It made me miss both my Grandmas so much. My heart hurt a little. I'm glad I didn't have to stay in my hotel room alone again all night. I'm so grateful for my new friends and the experiences we've shared...thanks guys.

Now, if I can only get my visitors down here..

Out of Sight

...out of mind.

I still exist.

Welcome to Sunny Florida

Today marks the end of my first week of training and I am SOOOOO tired (Editors note: Rochelle was about a month pregnant here, had no idea, maybe contributed to her tired ness??). Long days and a lot of information to take in has taken it's toll on my little body. I have been enjoying my time here and I've started to make some friends, which is good so I don't become a total hermit. I may spend some time with coworkers tomorrow, exploring new places and venturing further than the Walmart down the street.

I feel so accomplished and close to proficient in the kitchen. Who would have thought, me...the domestically challenged one...would be able to make alfedo sauce, baby back ribs, BBQ sauce, wings, apple cobbler, salsa and pico, guac, and the list goes on. I'm a culinary genious (ok, not really, but I like to think I could be). No complaints on the fruits of my labors yet. Yippee!

Last night I spent some time with Carlos and a few other Orlando Hard Rock peeps. Carlos was an ops manager in New York and then transfered to Orlando. It was so great to see him, catch up and fill each other in on all the drama going on in both locations. Oh, people still think he's Vin Diesel. Hilarious really, they stare and I think some of them actually contemplated approaching him for an autograph.

Tonight I think I'm keeping it low key. I was trying to find a place that rents movies, but couldn't find one. So, I'm just going to kick back, relax, flip through mindless TV and make a little list of things I want to do on my weekend off.

I miss everyone!

How pathetic am I?

I'm sitting here in my hotel room, I just made toast because that's what I have here, and I'm all teary eyed from watching the Miller brothers on America's Got Talent...a show I have only seen tonight and only for about 20 minutes. Wow.

Anyway...

Since I am at a safe distance from the New York subway system I think it would be a perfect time to finish the book I've been reading, The Mole People. Yep, that's right Amanda. I'm reading it and I'm all freaked out but I can handle it because I'm in Florida...no tunnels.

Tomorrow's another 6am start. Oh boy. Another night of not sleeping well because I'm worried about getting up. Good thing I bought some Sleepytime Tea.

So this is how it's done

First day of training...just orientation. I love and hate those days because they are easy and slow. The Orlando cafe is a very well run ship and it's easy to see why...they have space. I could cartwheels in the prep kitchen. Everyone was very nice and welcoming although I did feel a hint of sarcasm when I told them I was training for New York. They all think we are a joke there. Whatever. I know what I'm getting into.

I'm kind of on a regular schedule here which will be a strange experience for me. I'm so used to getting home at odd hours, staying up even later and then getting up early. I might actually get some sleep here.

I'm already so lonely. There just isn't anyone to talk to or hang with. I consider myself a very independent person, but I do need that human interaction. I miss talking to Ty, you know, when he's busy watching something on TV or working on the computer not really listening and I'm just venting away. It makes me feel less like a crazy person when I have someone to vent to rather than talking to myself.

I'm ready for visitors! Come play with me!

Xmas in July

I'm coming to you live from New York on my new little toy...a brand spankin' new MacBook. It's so pretty. I just love it, but I've always been a PC girl, so it will take some getting used to. So far, I think I'm doing okay. This will absolutely save me while I'm in Orlando for 7 weeks. That's right, I said Orlando. And yes, I will be there for SEVEN weeks. I don't have much time to write tonignt. I'm super tired and still have laundry and packing to get done. I'll try to throw in some details tomorrow.

Until then...

Immunity Defense OJ

I think I'm getting sick.

Yuk.

(Editors note: I'm laughing pretty hard right now becasue I totally knocked Rochelle up on July 4; I am 99.9% sure I knocked her up with Brody on July 4, she wakes up on July 5 sick, hilarious)

2 Anticlimatic

The fireworks...not so great. Bummer.

The roof party with my friends...worth it. As was the homemade chocolate cake. Yum.

Back to the grind tomorrow.

Fireworks Aficionado

7/4 Fireworks Aficionado

Four years in New York and this will be the first 4th of July that I dont have to work at night. I am determined to see some fireworks. Ty has to work, so its just me and the big city. One of my friends is having a little rooftop party near the East River and Im thinking that will be my best option. Yeah, fireworks! And thats about as patriotic as I get. Im actually more excited about the new little yellow dress I get to wear tonight. Yippee!

I sure wish I had a big plate of pancakes right now. I dont think any holiday is complete without pancakes. Although, I would be equally happy with French toast. This is truly how exciting my life is right now.

Im just so happy I dont have to work today. It was so incredibly busy last night and I can only imagine today will be much worse. Hahaha! Im not there, so its not my problem. I find out tomorrow when Ill be leaving for management training and where. I have three options, Orlando, Vegas and Niagara. Im all for two of the three options, which to me seems self explanatory.

Okay, Im out. Still craving pancakes and thats exactly what Im doing next.

I ROCK THE FANNIE PACK

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. I've been working like a mad woman. Here's my news. I accepted the management position that was offered. What that means for me: I will be training in Orlando for five weeks. Then I'm back doing pretty much the same thing I was doing before with a few added responsibilities, and a whole lot more pay. I plan on saving that money and finally working on the recording project of my dreams. Well, that and investing in more fabulous shoes. That was a given though. I went back and forth with this decision for so long because I was worried that going into management would keep me from performing. But here's the thing. In the last year, I haven't been in a show (a full blown one anyway) and that year went very fast. So, what's another year of that making some money? Paying off my student loans and getting out of debt will be such a relief and then I'll be able to pursue other opportunities.



And that's that.



The excitement for the day...a server passed out at work. I noticed she was a bit out of sorts and asked her if she was ok. She said she was fine, I walked into the kitchen and about a minute later I had people run into the kitchen saying she was on the floor shaking. She was in and out of consciousness, seizing, and I was worried she was having trouble breathing. I actually kept very calm, had someone call 911, and stayed with her to make sure she had clear airways. She is one of the sweetest girls I know and it broke my heart to see her in that condition. The paramedics arrived and took over for me and I was happy to know that I did all the right things. Phew! I was given an update later in the day that she was doing fine. The hospital was keeping her overnight just to run tests and observe her. She's in my prayers and I hope to see her smiling face very soon.

Just gettin around to ..

I haven't even had the energy to write about my little Barton family adventure last week. Mom and Pop Barton, accompanied by 'lil sis Cami came to visit. First of all, they flew into Rochester and drove down to NYC in a van. Day one, crash at our place, order Chinese and go to bed WAY too early. I was the only one up and trying to be quiet, but this damn keyboard is so loud. I finally gave in to the dark and quiet apartment before Ty could get home. Day two, wake up exceptionally early for a breakfast at work. Barton's meet me there and we lunch. I meet them after I get off and it's shopping time. YEAH! We spent almost five hours scouring all the hot spots for the best deals and dragged ourselves home to crash. Day three, drove to Cooperstown for the Base Ball Hall of Fame. Here's where the adventure began.



So, we had this little GPS system, you know...the one with the lady that gives you all your directions. "In one point three miles make a left then keep right." Somewhere along the way, we simply HAD to stop for McDonalds ice cream. GPS system...yeah...it didn't like that. Here's how the next few hours went. "Turn right, then right...recalculating...drive point two miles then turn left...recalculating..." Before long we were in the middle of nowhere turning onto dirt roads and crossing one lane wooden bridges. I thought this would make the perfect horror moviesome demon GPS system that leads us to certain doom and death. HAHAHA! We all began to mimic the voice..."you asshole, you should have turned right" or "recalculating bitch, and just for that..." You get the picture.



Funny thing is...the damn thing was right. Just as we were all losing hope and getting a little nervous we heard, "turn left and arrive at destination." She was right and we made it safe and sound.



Ty was in heaven and I let him enjoy every minute. I think he read absolutely everything in the museum. Like a kid in a candy shop, all starry eyed and bustin' at the seams with enthusiasm. It was great to see him so happy.



We had a little dinner...not too fun...there was a hair (not mine) wrapped up in my wrap. Lost my appetite after that.



Then it was onto the next city and our hotel for the night in lovely Herkimer. That's right, I said HERKIMER. After another scary experience with the evil GPS, we arrived in Herkimer to find the motel was possibly the worst dive we've ever seen. We stepped one foot into the door and immediately turned around to find another place to stay...it was the smell...can't describe it and don't want to talk about it...BLECHHH. Thanks to...well...me...we realized we were only 15 minutes away from Utica. I remembered we stayed at a beautiful hotel there on tour. ROCHELLE TO THE RESCUE! We stayed at the Hotel Utica that night and I had the exact same room that Deborah and I shared on tour. What are the chances...hmmm...slim to none. I thought it was cool.



Day four, Palmyra, NY. This was an absolutely beautiful day. We all spent time hiking up Hill Cumorah and wandering through the Sacred Grove (a lush forest with the most beautiful trees and an indescribable peace).



Day five, drive to Niagara Falls. This was the first time I had ever been there. Truly magnificent. This was a whirlwind stop though. After a little confusion with Miss GPS, and well, not really knowing that much about Canada, we finally arrived at the falls just in time to see it, eat lunch and turn around. We hurried to the airport in Buffalo and flew home to NYC.



And that was that.



I'm still recovering.

Rare moments that capture my spirit and temporarily transport me...

I stand on a deserted subway platform well into the night. It will be at least another twenty minutes before there is any sign of a train. I left the city behind me as I descended into the transportation catacombs. As I make my way to the center of the platform I become acutely aware of the silence around me. I am completely alone. Although it is silent, I can still feel the energy of the moving city swirling above me. My senses begin to heighten. The barriers I have built to block out the noise and confusion surrender to the silence and I quietly relax. With my newly heightened senses I begin to take in my surroundings. I listen ever so closely to hear the drip from the street level above creating urban stalagmites throughout the intricate caves of cement and steel. I focus into the blackness hoping to catch the first glimpse of light that reflects in the dark tunnel, creating an eerie cloud of glowing dust. Squinting becomes hopeless and I yield my sight to allow my skin to feel the air around me, eager for a slight breeze or change in direction. In this instant I am transported to a state of just being and complete solidarity. Then I feel it, the gentle rumble below my feet, the air moving quickly past my leg and across my face. Within seconds lights glare through the tunnel and a train charges into the station. With a screeching halt the train slows to a stop and doors open in front of me. I take a step, the doors close behind me and I am pulled back into the rapids. My silent moment is a fleeting memory as I battle my way through the waters, but I smile knowing that for an instant, in New York City, I found silence and peace.

So, my friend and co-worker Rosa had a baby yesterday. Sweet little thing...she named him Damien. HAHAHA! In all seriousness though, I'm sure he's a sweet little angel boy.

I have family here throughout the weekend. It's so refreshing to have people who you love and love you back around. It's just what I needed right now.

Tomorrow I'm headed to work early for a couple breakfasts. Not too thrilled about that, but then it's shoppin' time with Mama and Papa Barton and that will make the sun shine bright on any rainy day. Which, by the way, it will not stop raining. June. That's really all I have to say about that.

Now I'm off to entertain.

When you got it,...you got it

...and Mr. Ed Ved...still got it.

That's right. I wasn't duped and I did get tickets to Pearl Jam last night. The show was incredible. It was the last show on the first leg of their tour, Giants stadium was completely full and the energy level could have lifted the roof right off the building. I was amused by crowd. First of all they were all around my same age, which was both refreshing and scary. I really don't feel that different from the time I first heard the band, which happened to be 15 years ago...but who's counting.

Nostalgic.

Good times.

FOUR HOURS

That's how long it took me to get home from work today. Why, you ask? People here are savages. Savages throw trash on the subway tracks. This in turn clogs the waterways and when it rains...the subway floods. When the subway floods, it doesn't run and thousands of people are stranded. I was finally able to squeeze onto the 7 train to FLUSHING!!! Then, seeing as though the line for the bus was over 6 blocks long, I walked.

The only plus side to my day...

I met some of the crew from the Pearl Jam tour, i.e. lights and sounds guys. They were so incredibly nice and we talked for a bit. I gave them a good deal on the food and they gave me VIP tickets to see the show tomorrow. So, I must rest 'cause I'm seein' Pearl Jam tomorrow night. Who rocks? Um yeah...that'd be me.

Introspective cerebration...absolutely not

Throwing all sanity and inhibition to the wind is an exhilarating experience. Because these moments are few and far between for me these days, when they happen, they happen in a big way. Thus was the case last night when I joined my coworkers for a mini music fest at Siberia. My buddy Joe was in the first band, Shotgun Wedding. I was very impressed with them and they got my blood pumpin'. Next up...The Legendary 10oz...that's right, comprised solely of Hard Rock servers banning together to create an authentic musical experience that ROCKS!!! This is when my alter ego, we'll call her Libby, decided to make an appearance. I joined the ranks of my fellow employees and began dancing like a crazy woman. I didn't care what anyone thought and soon others joined in. This went on for the entire 10oz set. I took a short break to catch my breath while the Adrenals set up (my friend, Bethany's band). As soon as the music started I was right back in there. I think, together with Legendary 10oz members, Aaron, Cliff and Josh we created a vortex of dance energy that transcended a parallel universe. At one point I had so many endorphins I had chills all over, up and down my spine. Too much fun I tell ya.



The night ended. Along with everyone else, I was drenched in sweat, and although I was tired, I was on such a high. Who needs drugs or alcohol and why would you want that shit to ruin this feeling. Can't beat it...well, maybe one other thing can beat it, but it's a close second.



I think what would have made the night 'perfect' is if I had been one of the performers...if I had a band, and we rocked. Maybe one day I'll finally have the courage to make that dream a reality.





Speaking of parallel universes...



Work has been crazy lately. All manner of life forms have wandered through Times Square and right into Hard Rock. I can't even begin to tell you everything, but here's a few key words and phrases and I'll let your imagination run wild: stolen credit cards, Fleet Week, "My TEETH! You threw away my teeth", NYPD, groups of 200-300 teenagers, asthma attacks, ambulances, more NYPD, and one little person in charge...me.



The missing teeth was the highlight, a blog wouldn't do it justice. It's too funny, starting with the Russian server with a dry sense of humor to the crazy old lady digging through the trash, sobbing one second and screaming the next. An experience I'll never forget.


With all this said, I'm now going to take a nap and rest my sore body. Obviously the dancing took a toll. Guess I'm not a teenager anymore.

I haven't written much lately. Truly, it's only because there really hasn't been that much going on. What I may think of as mundane could actually be interesting to others, but I must tell you...things have been beyond mundane. I am completely on a routine which consists of work and barely sleeping. I'm still in limbo with my job which makes it harder and harder to trust and to feel comfortable about accepting a management position. But, I'm sticking with it. I need to get into a new apartment an pay off my debt.

Work was pretty fun yesterday though. James Blunt played the Hard Rock and I was supervising. I need to keep reminding myself that these are the little perks that make my job interesting...free concerts.

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have a photo shoot there tomorrow. HAHAHA!!! They have an f'n rider...for a photo shoot. And you should see it. We have to have these special kind of BBQ ribs that have to be flown in and other such nonsense. It's absolutely ridiculous.

It's getting to be so beautiful here, sunny and less wind. I'm not ready for the heat of the summer, but I'm livin' it up with the spring. I'm already on my way to stocking up my new little wardrobe for the season. Yea, fantastic throw-backs to the 80's. I can't wait for my walks through the park, the upper west side and my new favorite place to explore...the east village.

Speaking of walks...I did the Aids Walk on Sunday with the Ambassador group from Hard Rock. It really was a great experience and I'm always amazed at how many people show up. Thousands and thousands, truly as far as you can see. Maybe I made a difference, or mattered, even if only for a few hours.

I've lost my faith in america

Chris is gone and what is everyone thinking!!! That's it, I'm done. This is exactly why I haven't watched this damn American Idol for the last few seasons. Done.

So, my audition yesterday went very well. I would say it was one of my best. Whether or not the casting director felt the same way remains to be seen. Who knows when I'll hear anything. I hope soon.

Today, I played all day with my friends children while they were running errands and cleaning and such. Jill has three boys...Mason, Ethan and Owen (all under the age of six) and Alicia has two boys...Saul and Louie (4 and 2) and a baby girl, Nancy (3 months). They are so absolutely cute and fun. I got my mommy fix for a bit, then I said "goodbye" and came home to my very calm and quiet apartment.

Still upset over Chris.


Hey Ty...DEEJ.

Well SHIT LUCKY ME

A pigeon pooped on me. Not just pooped...splattered...in my hair, on my jacket, my pants and my bag. I was rushing to work from the subway, on my phone, and *BAM* I was hit. I stood there in shock for what seemed like a minute or two trying to figure out what had just happened. A very nice bartender from the Hearland Brewery saw the entire thing and rushed to my aide, pulling me inside and directing me to the restroom with a cloth to wash off. This is probably the most discusting thing that's happened to me here, aside from the guy on the subway jerkin' off in front on me while I was asleep.

Everyone I talked to today tells me this is good luck. I sure as hell hope so, because you can't just get shat upon without some kind of positive reprocusion. Not thirty seconds before this happened, I was on the phone with a theatre company calling me in for an audition. Now that better be my pigeon poop good fortune. Here's the irony, the call-back is for a bird character in Seussical, the musical. HAHAHAHA!

I love New York.

Gertrude McFuzz (one of my dream roles, this pigeon shit thing better work)

Dear Diary

My optimism today was astounding. Maybe it was the beautiful day, warm and sunny with a little breeze. Maybe it was my new Lucky magazine, freshly marked with all the future new additions to the closet. Or, maybe it was my flowing skirt and my little black flats (which happen to be my namesake shoes...yep, they are called 'Rochelle' shoes). Whatever the reason, I was smiling and skipping down the streets. I didn't let anything at work get me down. I was dancing behind the bar, laughing and smiling uncontrollably. I can't really explain this change in attitude, I only hope it will last.

Although I was on such a high today, underneath it I was missing my family terribly. I wanted to fly to Salt Lake right away and spend time with them. I miss my Dad's pancakes, and my Mom's laughter as well as her endless collection of spa products. I miss my beautiful sister and my exceptionally talented brother. I love you all and wish I could be there today. Why today? I don't know, just to share my happy day.

New Beginnings

It's the first of May, a new month and a fresh start. I have a beautiful new computer with a second hard drive to back up all my files. It turns out I did lose everything...all of my files including all of my pictures for the last four years, all of my music, and pretty much everything I've ever written. I'm surprised that my reaction is so calm. I'm sad, yes, but there are more important things in this world to worry about. The word of the day for me is benign and with this fresh palette I have endless possibilities.



I don't have much time right now to write, but I have all day tomorrow off and will fill everyone in on what's been going on.



YEAH!!! I'M BACK!

System Failure

My poor computer has completely bit the dust. Yep, gone. Sad thing is I'm not sure if I can even retrieve any of my files, pics, music, etc. I have some things backed up, but none of my pictures (I just transfered all of them from my camera). That would be all of my recent vacations, life in New York and the Whorehouse tour, now just memories.

I'm using Ty's laptop right now and it's been my only sanity.

to be continued...

I've been told that my blogs have taken on a sombre nature and have been sounding quite bleak. Let me break that chain immediately by saying that today was a wonderful day. Yes, I did go to work and for the first time in weeks it was a bit slow which gave me a much needed break. All of my fellow employees seemed to be in positive moods and quite upbeat. I think they all needed the break as well. I had two celebrity sightings today. This is actually a common occurrence living in New York and working at Hard Rock. The flavor of the day was Joey Fatone form N'Sync (yeah, I know...lame...but whatever). I honestly could care less, but some of the other managers were all over him, getting him to sign the guitar wall. I spoke to him briefly about being in Rent, which is actually why he was in the area. The 10 year anniversary party for the opening of Rent was today and he was headed there right after lunch.

After work, I met my dear friend Deborah for dinner. It was so nice to see her and catch up on her life. I truly wish her all the best. We ate at one of my favorite little places, v*nyl (spelled just like that). Sitting across from me was Rachel Dratch from Saturday Night Live. I absolutely love her. I think she's an amazing commedian/actor. So, the fact that she may frequent the same little dinner made me smile.

I'm home now and getting ready for a long day of singing and dancing tomorrow.

I'm keepin' my fingers crossed for an audition miracle!

Love to all my friends and family!

Lost

I've had this screen open for nearly three hours trying to think of something to say. Am I truly that scattered lately? I haven't seen my friends forever. I go to work, come home and stay there. I'm unmotivated. I haven't been to an audition for ages. A wave of life changing decisions are crashing though my head.

When are decisions going to be clear for me? When will I know I'm finally on the right path?

Tues-Thurs

Tuesday - day begins at 7:00 AM

- All staff meeting at HRC
- Saturn buy out
- Camp Freddy
- cater to the stars (whatever)
- Sleep? What's that?

Did Wednesday actually happen? It's a total blur. Too busy.

Thursday -

- Finally get a hair appointment 8:00 AM
- Once I'm completely blonde, go to work
- Hoobastank
- cater to more stars
- no sleep once again

The car to finally take me home for a much needed 8 hour break from work is on it's way.

That's all I got for now...no energy to even finish this blog.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Tonight was a great night, thanks to my friends who helped get me out of my funk and out in public to laugh for a while. Bohemian Hall was the place (the adjacent beer garden), kielbasa sausage was the food, deer hunter (or some shit like that) was the game, and all my girls together completed the perfect evening. It would have been nice if Tyler was there, but he had to work late. I would love for him to meet all of my friends. I guess when the season's over...







I started reading a wonderful book today and I can't seem to get one of the lines out of my head. I think it's so beautiful and poignant:



"In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia"



In one little sentence it captured for me why we might continue to make the same mistakes. When thinking about the past, we tend to forget the pain, the heavy weight. Those kinds of memories become only words or ideas, something that couldn't possibly recur eternally. If it was in the past and if it happened again, it couldn't be the same. Now I don't want to get all Nietzsche on your asses, but I think situations do recur infinitely, we just don't recognize them because they are cleverly disguised behind masks or facades. What then will keep us from perpetuating a cycle? How will we know when something has recurred in our lives? Will we be able to recognize it, or will we be blinded by the luminous brilliance of it's witty ruse of something new, something different.



I believe, in the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia...even a guillotine.

Juxtaposition

New York...Snow in Spring

My hopes for a sunny day have been shattered. I was so excited for a change from the norm, but somehow fate always steps in. Funny how it works.

I left for work feeling confident and a little sexy, putting on my best Angie Dickinson impression. Sometimes a girl just needs to feel a little sexy. Of course I'm limited in what I can and cannot wear at work, but I still managed to don my black knee high boots, a skirt and a drapey v-cut wrap top. With my additional sense of confidence I was able to take on the day with style and grace. Perfect timing since I had yet another impromptu interview with the GM about my new position, my plans and my goals. With all these interviews I can't help but wonder if they are trying to scare me to see if I have the balls to help run the machismo driven company. Well gentlemen, I may not have the balls, but all my other assets are perfectly intact and I'm not about to back down. I will not go back to being a server again.

Bring it on, baby.

Blessed by your own ghost

I'm an observer. I watch people and I wonder so many things about them. Where are they going? What are they doing? Are they happy? Sad? Burdened? Tired? I can't imagine living in this city would bring much happiness to anyone, but lately it's become harder and harder for me to find joy and the more people I observe, I am determined it's just not possible here. I wonder why people choose to live in this state, then I realize I'm doing exactly the same thing. I'm living here, traveling through time day by day just surviving. I wake up to go to work and I work to live here. Is it harder for me because I know what it's like to live with a higher standard. When I say a higher standard, I mean a standard of living. The ability to get in a car, drive to the grocery store, pharmacy, doctor's office, movie theater and have a place to park. Or, walk down the street and not have to dodge garbage or feces. To rent an apartment and still have some of your paycheck left. To not have to worry about roaches or lead paint on the walls. To have a dishwasher. Now, I'm not saying these things aren't attainable here, they just aren't to the general public. These standards, the one's I have always grown up with, are only available to the privileged...aka...the wealthy residents. I guess I just see all these people every day and wonder, "why here?" Why not move to a place where you can do the same job and not have to haul a big ass stroller down the subway stairs to take your baby to the park. It's no wonder most of the people I see can't seem to find a smile or a kind word for anyone. They're all so angry.

I don't want to seem unappreciative for the things I have now. I know we all could have it a lot worse. I still have many comforts and I'm very grateful for all that I have. I'm just tired of the fight. So now I watch quietly...a tiny droplet in this raging sea. How I long for the quiet stream.

Maybe I'm scared. Scared that one day I'll wake up, be 80 years old and still be fighting...still be wondering. I'm scared of settling and accepting there will always be a fight.


Now that I have all of that off my chest...

My parent's just celebrated 32 year of marriage. What an inspiration. They are still so very much in love and I am eternally grateful for the example they set. I love you Mom and Dad. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live up to the image, but I guess that happens over time and with each new challenge you learn and grow stronger together. With all our challenges, we are working on building an atomic barrier around our marriage. We're already a quarter of the way there.

Do I Rise and Shine Forth?

Am I a light? Does my countenance affect others for good? Am I an inspiration? If not, then why? Why can't I be a light?

These are the questions that have plagued my mind lately. I'm feeling a bit insignificant. I really want to make a difference. I want my life to matter.

Damn, this city can mess you up.

I'm getting out of the habit of writing on a regular basis and I'm sure that's why I've been having trouble sleeping. Instead of getting all my thoughts out, they are stuck, swimming around in my head. This is my attempt to clear it all out.

My big audition went very well. I got a couple call backs. One for that night and another on April 25th. I'm still healing from the blisters on my feet from the dance portion of the audition, but it was worth it. Now I have to wait and see, and the wait is excrutiating.

Meanwhile, I'm still doing my new job, which is going quite well. It was a natural transition for me to become a supervisor and I feel as though all my peers have been very receptive to the change. I do miss commiserating with my friends about the perils of being a server, but I certainly do not miss being a server. Nothing was more degrating to me, no matter what I did to convince myself otherwise. So, I feel good about my decision.

I'm still planning on auditioning because there really isn't anything that will stop me from performing. I just have to do it. I've been toying with the idea of putting together my own cabaret show, or a show with a couple other people. I mean...why not. If I'm just at the mercy of some casting director, why not be my own casting director.

I'm always running out of time lately. I feel like I just don't have enough of it to get things done. Part of that may be my job, and the fact that when I'm not at work, I'm a bit tired because of it. I now appreciate more than ever the extra day I used to have off. I'm also really busy with my church youth group. They meet twice a week (Sunday and Wednesday) and I'm realizing what a commitment it has become. I don't want to let them down though. I really feel needed and I do have a good time with them, but I have so little time to do things for myself. I hope I don't sound too selfish.

I'll keep everyone posted on my call backs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I'm realistic when it comes to auditions, because I know most of it is just being in the right place at the right time and that's just luck.

So, I'll put on my lucky socks and my superman knickers and hope for the best

Do I rise and shine forth?

Am I a light? Does my countenance affect others for good? Am I an inspiration? If not, then why? Why can't I be a light?

These are the questions that have plagued my mind lately. I'm feeling a bit insignificant. I really want to make a difference. I want my life to matter.

Damn, this city can mess you up.

I'm getting out of the habit of writing on a regular basis and I'm sure that's why I've been having trouble sleeping. Instead of getting all my thoughts out, they are stuck, swimming around in my head. This is my attempt to clear it all out.

My big audition went very well. I got a couple call backs. One for that night and another on April 25th. I'm still healing from the blisters on my feet from the dance portion of the audition, but it was worth it. Now I have to wait and see, and the wait is excrutiating.

Meanwhile, I'm still doing my new job, which is going quite well. It was a natural transition for me to become a supervisor and I feel as though all my peers have been very receptive to the change. I do miss commiserating with my friends about the perils of being a server, but I certainly do not miss being a server. Nothing was more degrating to me, no matter what I did to convince myself otherwise. So, I feel good about my decision.

I'm still planning on auditioning because there really isn't anything that will stop me from performing. I just have to do it. I've been toying with the idea of putting together my own cabaret show, or a show with a couple other people. I mean...why not. If I'm just at the mercy of some casting director, why not be my own casting director.

I'm always running out of time lately. I feel like I just don't have enough of it to get things done. Part of that may be my job, and the fact that when I'm not at work, I'm a bit tired because of it. I now appreciate more than ever the extra day I used to have off. I'm also really busy with my church youth group. They meet twice a week (Sunday and Wednesday) and I'm realizing what a commitment it has become. I don't want to let them down though. I really feel needed and I do have a good time with them, but I have so little time to do things for myself. I hope I don't sound too selfish.

I'll keep everyone posted on my call backs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I'm realistic when it comes to auditions, because I know most of it is just being in the right place at the right time and that's just luck.

So, I'll put on my lucky socks and my superman knickers and hope for the best.

You got Moxie Kid

Wow, so many things to tell.

I started a new job at Hard Rock as an MIO (manager in orientation). It's only been a few days and I'm still getting used to the change. I have all these mixed emotions about it, happy, sad, apprehensive...and the list goes on. I feel like I'm getting mixed receptions from my peers. For the most part, people are receptive to the change, but I'm not an idiot and I can sense when people are smiling at me and talking shit behind my back. Hello, I was a server there just a few days ago! I know what goes on behind the scenes.

I have the day off today and I'm so happy to get out of there and just think about everything. I have an audition tomorrow that I'm preparing for today. It's a HUGE audition for a hundred theatres or so, nation wide, and I'm pretty determined to catch the eye of at least one casting director. I have exactly ninety seconds to accompish that feat. Right song, right monologue, right outfit, right girl...how can I go wrong.

I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts lately. I have too many of them floating around and I don't really know where to start. I can't sleep at night because my head is racing hundreds of miles an hour and it often seems as if there is no end in sight. Eventually I drift off, but it's only for an hour or so and I'm up again, trying to get comfortable and thinking again. Why is it that now I'm faced with all these decisions to make, does it ever end? I've been a wife for over eight years and that's the only thing that I know for certain. Everything else seems so up in the air.

Now I find myself just rambling, so I'll end this for now and try again later.

Time to sing.

yo Oedipus, this Thebes party is so crunk

I have been going non stop since I woke up this morning. My day started with early morning church. I had to sing right at the beginning, so I couldn't be late. After church I got home, changed my clothes and just when I was about to lay down for a little nap, my cell phone rang. My friend April had an extra ticket to see a hip hop musical version of the Seven of Thebes, a greek tragedy about Oedipus and the curse on his two sons. It was an absolutely fantastic production. The whole show was in rhyming verse and was updated with an urban idiom. There were various styles of R&B, funk, blues and do-wop interwoven throughout the show. Very entertaining and creative.

After the show, April and I met up with her boy Cliff, who I happen to work with, and we ate a little dinner and chilled a bit while we watched a spanish subtitled movie.

Now I am home and organizing my auditions for the next couple of weeks.

Tyler comes home this week and I can't wait to see him! Love you.

So many changes for us this week.

illuminate the lights on your vacancy sign

Every morning the same. I wake up and there is nobody there beside me.

Come home.







Although it's my day off work, I'll still be busy skeepboppin' around the city. I borrowed that word from a friend, I thought it was funny. It's my mass mailing day and I'm determined to catch the attention of a theatre one way or another. I'm so tired of following instructions on 'the process' of auditioning. I don't really think that's how anyone will get noticed. It's all a matter of standing out and being an individual. That's exactly what I plan to do. What could it possibly hurt. They can either say, "this girl is crazy...no, or this girl is crazy...we must have her". I have nothing to lose.

I'm off to Costco, Target and Walmart (my Long Island adventure day) with my friend Minna.

The Horizon is not far away

close enough to touch

Alone again and nobody to vent to

Let me set the scene:

It's 11:00 am, Hard Rock has just opened, the lights are dim and "What a Wonderful World" is playing over the restaurant wide system. My first table sits down to order. I'm pretty excited because it's a party of 8 (auto-grat baby).

Redheaded lady with chop chop bangs and a big fat ass says, "Can you turn the music down. I can't even hear myself think. This is ridiculous."

I stare back at her for a second in disbelief and reply with the first thing that pops in my head, "This isn't the Easy Listening Cafe, I'm sorry, we can't turn the music down."

She rolls her eyes and makes a little "phsss" noise. She contined to give me the stink eye for the entire hour and a half she was eating. I just killed her with kindness and I bet that just pissed her off even more.

This must have been a trend today because when I talked to my co-workers they were having similar problems with all of their tables. However, there was one situation that really put me over the edge today. A nasty bitch with blatent disreguard for humanity. She was just so rude to my friend Angela and completely disrespectful. Poor Angela was trying hard to keep her cool and this lady was pushing every button. The last straw was when the nasty bitch moved her empty beer bottle from the table to the floor right in front of Angela and told her she needed to get rid of it. Angela just ignored her and kept working. Bitchwoman kept stopping Angela to tell her that the bottle was still on the floor. I don't know how Angie could keep from punching her in the face. When everyone had left, this lady stayed behind to pay the bill and told Angela that she didn't do her job because she didn't pick up the bottle off the floor. Poor Angie was in tears as the lady tried to find a manager. I'm so glad that our managers stood behind her and sent the lady away. I still wish that I would have said something about the whole situation. What was she trying to prove, that we are lower life forms and should crawl on the ground and kiss her feet. This just solidifies for me the fact that I MUST make a change in my employment. That kind of attitude happens all to often and I'm so sick of it. Most of us are college graduates or in school right now. We are intelligent, professional and for the majority this is a second job while we pursue other careers.

Okay, it's out. Now I don't have this awful pit in my stomach.

I'm taking it easy again tonight. I'm actually loving the alone time. i admit I am a bit bored and lonely, but it's nice to just be able to think with no interruptions.

With a sly little grin, she hit play

It's been two days now and I seem to be settling into my new age quite nicely. I don't feel all that different; however I am feeling more and more like an adult with every new birthday. I truly never thought that would happen. This was very apparent to me when I decided to go to the mall on my birthday. Maybe not the best idea since it was also a holiday and in Queens there really isn't anything else to do in February but go to the mall. So, Tyler and I trudged our way over along with every middle school student in the area and attempted to shop. It was a brave attempt but I was getting more and more steamed with every shirt a bra pulled right out of my hands. I was ready to punch someone in the face. Tyler was right there with me, his imaginary red alert light flashing uncontrollably, led him to check this lady in Victoria's Secret and almost knock her down. That fat bitch deserved it. She slammed my leg when she tried to open a drawer, stole my bra and stole my sales girl. See you next Tuesday.



The mall was a bust, but the day before was really when we celebrated my birthday. We went to a Broadway show, Avenue Q, which confirmed once again for me that I have to play Kate Monster. HAVE TO! I will find a way. After the show we ate at my favorite little diner, The Cup, and our fabulous chick server with the mohawk was amazing. So, we'll just count that as my birthday.



One more year until twenty ten. I'm so ready.

I do my crosswords in pen

As I stepped out of the subway today I wasn't sure what to feel. I was running late and felt slightly unprepared for my first coaching session with a new voice teacher. However, when I finally reached his apartment on West End Ave I was greeted by his sweet dog, Jen, and immediately put at ease. We went right to work, picked out a couple of new audition songs and worked on the perfect cuts to show off my range and ability. He also had a couple of ideas for me to get involved in some upcoming shows. I will fill in with details when they are confirmed. By my next lesson I will have 30 new songs to choose from and add to my repertoire.



After I left my lesson I felt something that I hadn't felt for quite some time...confidence. When you have it you walk a little taller. You are focused and have purpose in everything you do. There isn't anything or anyone that can get you down. With my new found confidence comes freedom from doubt, a feeling of trust, belief in myself and my abilities and hopefulness that events to come will only reflect that confidence. I will fear no longer that which I cannot control.



"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face" Eleanor Roosevelt.

Deux Ex Machina

What does it take to make a city that thrives on movement, speed and activity come to a screeching halt. Well, 26.9 inches of snow will do the trick. Yesterday was the biggest blizzard in recorded history for NYC. It surpassed the blizzard of 1947 (just a bit of trivia for you). This may not seem like a lot of snow to some of you. In fact, I was equally disillusioned to the amount as 26 inches is a common occurrence in Utah. But, here in NY I don't think anyone knows how to handle that much snow. So, everyone just stayed inside. The cars that are usually speeding down the streets were curbed and completely buried. There was calm and quiet that resounded over the city as people were forced to take a day off and relax. I absolutely loved my day off and was completely lazy all day. I was very cuddly and snuggly in my cozy butter colored marshmallow robe. I accomplished nothing and I feel great.



What does today entail...



I have another day off of work and I'm going to finish cleaning the apartment, do some alterations for a friend and get waxed. Busy day, I know.



It's been a long time since my last blog and I suppose quite a bit has happened. I can't think now what I could have possibly done, but here's a few highlights.



- Rented a car last week, drove to Long Island, shopped at Ikea, went to a hockey game, reorganized the apartment, and did a shitload of laundry.



I think the next step is to buy a Volvo and have some kids so I can drive them to their soccer games.



I need to get away...travel, tour, something. Even if it's just for a weekend.

I did not see my shadow this morning

I had the day off today. Sheryl Crow is playing at Hard Rock tonight and only half the restraunt was open. Instead, I slept in, had breakfast (which was actually left over spaghetti) and went to get my hair done. It pretty much took all day. While I was at the salon I did a little reading in Elle and my horoscope told me that I should take a little weekend trip to clear my head and refresh the spirit. What a coincidence. Tomorrow, I'm leaving on a little road trip to Boston with my friend Kim. She needed someone to go with her because her husband couldn't get off work. So, it's a little desperate housewive's weekend away. I'm really excited to get out of the city though and I think the stars are correct. I'll come back clear and refreshed.

I've started auditioning again and that's become my full time job. I have a bunch lined up and the StrawHat auditions coming up in March (that's a multiple audition for a bunch of summer stock theatres). Hopefully I can cut down my hours at Hard Rock very soon...like next week. Or find something completely different, maybe something in fashion.

This is just rambling so I'm going to end it here.

I'll give the Boston update when I get back.

As promised, here is the obligatory blog that includes photos from my show at Hard Rock. Despite any effort my friend made to capture exciting moments on stage, they were all thwarted by a flailing arm, strategically placed flag, a mic, etc. They are as mysterious as my profile pic, but undoubtedly me (that is if you really know me).

So, we'll start the little slide show with photo #1.

Here I am singing with the band. Note the angle that captures my hand right in front of my face.


Moving onto picture #2.

Here I am twirling flags in one of the dances.


Okay, and that moves us onto the second dance. This is the killer pop 'n lock routine...and this is the memory I get to keep from it.



Thrilling, really.

It wasn't an entire bust though.

Here I am during the curtain call...looking slightly blurry, but very cute.


Well, I hope you've enjoyed this little glimpse into my performing life as much as I've enjoyed sharing it with all of you.

Stay tuned for scenes from my next project when I enter the first ever pageant for Miss Mistaken Identity.

One more of me singing for good measure.

SESQUIPEDALIAN

As with most creative streaks, my ability to weave a tapestry of interesting and thoughtful blogs has been interrupted by life. I find myself with little time to actually sit down at the computer and even less time to put all my thoughts into writing. However, I felt in necessary to take a little break, breathe and search for some clarity.



Since the tornado rolled in around October, I've been whirling and spinning and I'm just now being dropped to find my bearings. I've flown across the country six times...I think...it may have even been more. I've gone back and forth form working, to playing, to being with family and being alone. During that time I've been learning a new dance form (severely out of my comfort zone, meaning not tap, jazz or ballet) and seriously having doubts that the right audition will come around any time soon.



For anyone who is interested, I'll be performing at the Hard Rock on Monday and Tuesday in a benefit showcase. I'm singing, acting and dancing...hip hop...you may never see that again. Yep, I'm a fly girl. Pop 'n lock routine all in place, dropin' like it's hot and all that shit. Oh, there will be pictures posted.



Work has been sssloooooow slow. It's the after holidays lull. There just aren't that many people who are thinking "wow, New York is so beautiful when it's dreary and cold and all the decorations have been taken down, and people are angry because the have to go to work in the cold, and you can't really go anywhere or see anything because the wind freezes your eyeballs". Hence the income has been on a slow and steady decline. Surpringly though, my spirits are up. I've enjoyed the people I work with and have made a few new friends, always a plus.



After the HRC showcase, I'm hoping to have more time to focus on my professional goals. I need another show and as much as I love hearing about all my friends who are working in the biz, it still makes my heart hurt a little because I'm not. January is almost over though, and it's always the hardest month for me to get through.







who will be her lighthouse

when she's lost in the cold

Possible Translations

"I forgot we're married."
"I forgot everything we've been through together."
"I forgot you forgave me."
"I forgot to tell you what's on my mind."
"I forgot that you love me."

"I forgot that I loved you, must have slipped my mind."


I didn't forget.

My plans to tour with MAME...foiled

Well, my first audition was a bust, but there is a silver lining to this dark storm cloud.

I arrived at the audition with high hopes, the list wasn't very long and I saw many young people. All the female roles in the show call for mature adults and since I'm nearing 30, well, that's me. I really had to laugh at all of them, primping with curling irons, applying lipstick and caking on the make-up. Do they even know what they are auditioning for. The only possible role in the show that any of them could play is Agnus Gooch, a dowdy secretary type.

I practiced and prepared last night, found the perfect song and that was all the preparation necessary. Did I dress up? Absolutely not. Did I wear a skirt or dress? Nope. Was I still too stylish? Well, when am I ever not stylish. Honestly though, I wore pants, a sweater and my new little BC canvas flats. I wore very little make-up, just mascara and lip gloss. I was just plain jane...just me, no effort.

I didn't even get to sing for the casting director. He knew exactly what he wanted as far as a look and so the type casting began. We all filed into the room, ten at a time, and let him oogle us up and down (this is the part where I feel like a piece of meat). He gave me a wry smile and then chose a girl further down the line. Her hair was disheveled and the unkempt outfit she was donning was truly dreadful. But that's what they wanted to see, FRUMPY, FRUMPY, FRUMPY. All the pretty girls, not the one's trying too hard, but the natural beauties, were sent out of the room. It was a little boost to the morale when I realized I was joining them.

Although I wasn't even able to audition, I feel kind of nice knowing that I just can't be considered frumpy.

Next audition is on Sunday.

Nothing but savages in this town

Someone at work stole my flair. Don't laugh. We have to wear these pins on our uniform, some of them gifts, some of them purchased and some of them earned. Well, I had all the flair out for the holidays (aides in the tipping department) and was going through the routine of changing in the locker area when some ballsy bastard stole my uniform. In a matter of seconds it was gone. I placed it over the door to my locker, bent down to tie my shoes, turned around and it was gone. How ridiculous. Around 20 pins that I would definitely recognize if I saw and they really won't bring in that much on eBay. I'm kind of disgusted with humans in general today.



I have my first audition of the year this Friday...(in a whisper)...tell me I'm gonna kick some ass.

Resolutions , My Ass

I think this could possibly be the laziest day worldwide. I must include myself in this broad statement. I didn't get out of bed until 2:00pm and I stayed in my cozy p.j.'s until almost 5:00pm. Then it was a long fairy dust bath while listening to my iPod and slowly watching all the bubbles in my bath disappear.



I will make no resolutions this year because I have no idea what life holds for me. I want no expectations and less pressure in my life. This doesn't mean I don't still have goals. I will always be striving to reach my goals and fulfill my dreams. That doesn't change, but I don't want a timeline. I'm still young and have plenty of years left.



How quickly this year slipped through my fingers. Was I having fun? That's what they say happens to time when it moves too fast. Honestly from April until the end of the year is a complete blur. I don't really know what I did, if I accomplished anything or did one thing of significant value. I have to say from April on was Tyler's year. It was his time to shine. He found a dream job in sports and now his reason for living in New York is much more justified than mine. What a change for him though. His entire countenance has changed. He is happy for the first time since we've moved and maybe long before that. He has a potential career and it's something he looks forward to doing. I had a little taste of that for a while and I can't think of anything worse than having it, then having it taken away from you and not being able to get it back. But that's my career choice and I have a lifetime of that to look forward to. It's not that I'm masochistic, but I kind of like that life. Not really knowing what's next, putting myself out there to be disparaged or extolled. Maybe I’m able to do this because I’m more aware now about what defines my success. I have a better understanding of what’s important in life. Does this come from age and experience? I don’t know. What I do know is that I appreciate all of the examples in my life that have taught me how to recognize and sort my priorities.



Happy New Year, I'm sure it will be if that's what I choose to make of it.